Hello everyone and welcome back to the Thoughts that Bind. (And if you’re new here, a warm welcome to you!) Today we’re talking about boundaries, and specifically cutting people out or “going no-contact”. It’s a subject I’ve covered before on this site a while ago, and I suggest you read this post first, if you haven’t already, as it is a good precursor to our discussion today.
But today, we’re taking it from a little bit of a different angle. There’s something that I don’t think gets talked about enough in these discussions about cutting people out that I only barely mentioned in that old post, and so I wanted to cover it.
“You have the right…”
In that post, I mentioned that you have the right to live your own life and decide who you want in it. This seems like a simple concept on the surface, but many of us lack the sense of personal agency and boundaries to make it actually simple in practice. Especially in the case of people who we grew up with or have known for a long time, it can feel impossible to make such a leap as cutting them out of your life completely.
But listen, sometimes it is necessary to leave people behind in order to be able to live the life that you were meant to live. Or even, to put it a less fatalistic way, to live the life that you have the potential to live.
It doesn’t have to be about them
I think that we often view going no contact with someone a last resort. A less-than-ideal response to years of manipulation and abuse. Which is a valid response to these sorts of things, no doubt. But at the same time, that idea can conflate no-contact with non-forgiveness, and give the impression that “if only they could change” their behavior, then you would take them back, or they would somehow be back in your good graces.
The thing is, going no-contact with someone really shouldn’t be done because of them, but rather, because of you. You might have forgiven them for whatever it is they’ve done, said, or were to you in the past. You may have no animosity towards them whatsoever, which is a noble goal. But none of that means that they deserve access to you or that they could be a good, healthy influence in your life.
If you find yourself constantly upset, stressed out, frightened or anxious from the mere possibility of spending time with someone, then something is very wrong. And if you’ve done all you can do to fix the issue, then you need to realize that continuing to open yourself up to that energy is doing yourself a disservice. You may be holding yourself back from a peaceful, healthy life by interacting with this person, and if you cannot hold a boundary by not letting them attack your peace, then unfortunately, you’re doing it to yourself.
Maybe they’re not bad
This person might not be a bad person, actually. They might do humanitarian work or rescue kittens. They might go to church, recycle, or any other smattering of good person things. But if their presence in your life is only harmful to you, and has been for a while, then they are not good for you.
This is why going no-contact with a person shouldn’t be about them. It should be about you choosing yourself. Boundaries are personal, and if you cannot do someone the service of being an emotionally healthy, respectful person, then you’re really not helping them by giving them your presence in the first place.
You’re giving your life away
Here’s something to remember. All of the things you spend your time and energy on is giving your life away. And when you do this for a good cause or someone who is healthy for you, that’s not such a bad thing. There are even residual benefits to this sort of “good investment”, if you will. But if someone is systematically destroying your mental and emotional well-being, then giving your life to them in bits and pieces isn’t a good thing, and quite frankly, no longer makes sense.
We think we’re good people by giving of ourselves. By putting up with things that hurt us for the sake of others. But at some point, it’s important to see this behavior for what it is. Which is to say maladaptive and downright disrespectful.
It’s disrespectful to yourself, for one. To continue to let someone take advantage of you and suck you dry of all the things that make you a beautiful, sparkly person is the worst thing you can do to yourself. With each small decision to let yourself be stepped on again, you are just reinforcing the belief that you are not a worthy person of kindness, of consideration and regard. That is such an ugly idea to let run your life. But oddly enough, it’s also disrespectful to the person you would think you’re being kind to.
I’m not being kind?!
You read that right. Continuing to let a person stomp on your boundaries, making excuses for them, is actually not being good to them either. Your penchant for giving them the benefit of the doubt is, in the long run, robbing them of the motivation to grow as a person. You’re trying so hard to shelter them from the negative repercussions of their actions that they’re not even learning the lesson.
Not to mention that you trying to do all of the legwork in the relationship and not even expect their fair share is akin to telling them that you don’t believe in their capacity to grow and learn. And, as I mentioned before, you’re not doing them a favor with your presence if what they do in your company causes you to not be able to show up as a kind, respectful, healthy person yourself. And if there’s one thing we know on this site, it’s that repressed feelings and resentments have a talent for sneaking out in weird, unhealthy, and unexpected ways.
Do what inspires life
So as you take stock of your life and see that there are some people who are in it, but shouldn’t be, I hope this serves as a reminder to be brave. There are definitely some middle steps to take before cutting someone out of your life entirely. Like telling someone how their actions make you feel and setting hardline boundaries with consequences. But there may come a point where the natural conclusion of the boundaries that you have is to no longer spend time with that person anymore, or even talk to them again. And if this is the case for you, I beg of you, do what is right.
Do what is right for you, and them. Do what causes all to be set free, what gives life, instead of taking it away. Please remember that you deserve to live safe and happy, and if someone’s not letting that happen, then you deserve to live far away from them. Don’t wait a whole lifetime, hoping in vain for things to get better. Do right by yourself, and let the rest fall away of its own accord.
