Hello and welcome to the Thoughts that Bind. And if you’re returning, welcome back! Today we’re talking about friendship! It’s a subject that I don’t think gets talked about enough, and it is oh, so important.
Where have all the friendships gone?
When we’re younger, most of our life is built around our friends. We go to school and one of the first things we’re told is to make friends. And as we grow, our friends help us navigate all sorts of social structures and faux paus, not to mention the fact that they’re great for companionship and help us explore new sides of ourselves that we didn’t know we had.
But as we get older, we don’t hear about friendships as much. We start working and don’t have as much time as we once did. We get romantic partners and prioritize them. We move away to build new lives in other places and tell each other we’ll stay in touch. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we don’t.
And the friendships that manage to stay, we expect them to be very low maintenance. They’ll have to be; they’re last on the to-do list. Yet, at the same time, friendships do take maintenance. And when it comes to being a good friend, that’s something that takes skill. So today I wanted to have a quick chat about friendship in adults. What we can do to maintain it, nurture it, and live up to the title “good friend”. Some of these are lessons many of us learned when we were younger, but some challenges are unique to getting older and growing apart. So let’s talk about friends!
What is a friend?
I say we start here because it’s important to be on the same page. And I’m not going to hit you with a dictionary definition and call it good. I really think this is worth examining. Because someone that you’re friendly with or feel positive towards doesn’t really cover it, if I’m being frank with you. That’s more of a buddy or pleasant acquaintance.
In my opinion, friend is a very specific thing. A friend refers to someone who has a good idea of who you are as an individual, who you make an effort to keep in your life. Someone who has spent time with you outside of the place in which they first met you, and who you can talk to about your feelings.
So, we’re not talking about friendly classmates or colleagues. Neither are we talking about people you have to do an activity with to spend time in the same room. And best friends is a whole different thing that everyone gets to decide for themselves. Perhaps you just have one, like a hierarchical thing. Or maybe for you best friends is a level of friendship that has no specific number of individuals. Either way, we’re not talking about best friends, either. Just friends.
Bad friends
We all want to be good friends, but first, let’s talk about bad friends. There are all different kinds of bad friends, but to me, they all stem from a place of disregard or disrespect. The ones who continually borrow money but never attempt to pay it back. The ones who only call when they need something. The ones who make fun of you for trying to better yourself, or try to make you feel bad about yourself in general.
Good friends care about each other, and cheer each other on in life. They want the best for each other. So let’s talk about how to really be a good friend, since that’s what we all want anyway.
Check in sometimes
So as I said, as adults we seem to have less and less time on our hands. Check in on your friends anyway. Our friends have their own lives to live and seem always busy. Check in on them anyway. Our friends are smart and strong individuals. It seems like they’re pretty happy and stable. Check in on them anyway!
The fact is, it feels good to catch up with a friend after a while. It feels good to be needed and welcomed into somebody’s life. And even if your friend seems fine, you never know what checking in on them could mean on a bad day. Even the strong ones need support sometimes. You don’t have to talk every day or even every week. But make time for them when you can. Even just a quick “hey, how are you?” text can mean a lot.
Listen
Here’s something that’s easier said than done. When you do have those check ins and heart to hearts, really listen. Aim to truly hear what they’re saying, lock in on their meanings and feelings. Be present, empathize, and seek to understand.
We all want to talk about ourselves, and when you have a good, solid friendship, don’t worry, that time will come for you too. But a good friend truly listens to their friends. They realize that some things just need to be said and they are there to hear them. Not talk over them, not move into panic fixing mode. Just hear. And be there.
Talk about what matters
Don’t fill your friendships with vacuous crap. Talk about your goals, dreams, personal perspectives about life. Like we mentioned earlier, a friend is someone who you can talk about your feelings with, at least some of the time.
Feelings are messy. Life moves fast and it can be easy to get lost in who said what and the soonest festival coming to town. But be sure to take a beat and talk about your feelings. Talk about who you are and who you’ve been and who you’re wanting to become. And encourage your friend to do the same with you.
Tell them you care
So, not all friends are comfortable with physical affection like hugs and snuggles. Neither is an “I love you” always welcome. Make sure you’re respecting people’s boundaries.
That being said, make sure your friends know that you care about them. Tell them the things you like and admire about them. Tell them what they mean to you in an appropriate way. Remember how important it is to feel liked and cared for and needed? That goes both ways.
Respect their decisions
A good friend is a supportive friend. If your friend is doing something to improve themselves or their lives, do what you can to get behind them. Show your approval of their good decisions. And if they’re making a mistake, while it’s okay to be honest about your opinion of it, make sure you still get across that you care about them and their autonomy.
The fact is, as we all get older, we’re bound to make decisions that others may not have made. A good friend knows when to say something, and when to simply be there and care. But if your friend is making good and responsible decisions, go out of your way to cheer them on in whatever way you can. This fosters a healthy friendship and happy life for the both of you.
Try new things, together
This one gets harder as we all get older. We get used to our routines and the traditions that we once had, especially with older friends. We go for drinks. We stay in and watch a movie with snacks. We grab dinner at our favorite restaurant.
But part of what made friendships so fun when we were younger is exploring the world around us and different sides of our identities. If you can bring that back into your friendship, you’ll make many memories and things won’t feel quite so monotonous. Try new things with your friends! Have new adventures with your old companions!
Be there for the bad
Life isn’t always so cheery. People die. Friends get sick. Relationships end. Mental health crises are real. Be there anyway.
I can tell you I personally am a person who has had my life saved by people being there anyway. Even when I wasn’t fun. Even when my room wasn’t clean. Even when there was nothing to do and nowhere to go. People were there anyway, and it made all the difference.
See if you can give your friends this gift by being willing to sit through the uncomfortable times. You don’t have to have an answer, but you can still show up. You can make the difference.
Know when to disagree
As I said earlier, sometimes friends make bad decisions. And while you want to be a supportive friend, it’s also important to be honest. If your friend is starting to make allowances for bad behavior, self-medicating, or other concerning things, a good friend will say something.
No, it’s not your job to make your friend make good decisions or turn their life around. But if you see an unsafe or unhealthy change in your friend, it’s good to gently tell them about your concern. Community is how we keep our heads on straight in this life, and friends are a good way to do that.
Disagree, but don’t fight
Life is too short to be fighting with a friend. If you disagree about a subject or have an issue, that’s okay. But disrespect, throwing emotional barbs at each other is not. Don’t yell at each other or give the silent treatment. Don’t compete with each other for dominance or to prove who’s the better person. Don’t talk behind each other’s backs.
If there is a disagreement, talk it through honestly and respectfully with each other. Anything less is not friendship. And really, who has the time or energy for any of that stuff these days anyway?
Try to help each other
If your friend is struggling or in a difficult situation and you have access to a resource they don’t, offer up what help you can! You aren’t expected to give up your whole life and well-being for the sake of your friend. But if you can help them, why wouldn’t you?
Friendships are built of two people doing each other mutual favors and riding backseat to the other’s life. Through the good days and bad days.
Let them be honest
I’m just going to say it. If you have the sort of relationship where someone is not allowed to say no to you, then what you have is not a relationship. Let your friends be honest with you about things. Don’t make them always do what you want to do. And don’t assume you always know better about life than they do.
Presumably, they’re your friend because you respect them and their opinion, right? Well then, act like it! Let them tell you things that you may not want to hear, and really take a minute to listen to what they have to say. You don’t have to do what they say, but give them the benefit of the doubt and hear them out.
Allow room for change
I’ve written a post on this subject alone which you can go check out here. But all in all, when we look at enduring friendships, one thing is clear. Things change and so do people. That doesn’t mean that the status of your friendship has to.
Understand that you being friends is bigger than just a set of conditions, and can look really different as life takes it’s various turns. Your friend may move far away or get married or divorced or get really into rescuing animals or something. Changes are bound to happen.
Your life is going to bring you changes too. But when you’re willing to accept these things about your loved ones and find a way to still relate to each other and make time for your friendship, it makes it stronger. It’s okay if things don’t stay the same, that doesn’t mean you have to give up your friend.
Conclusion
Thank you for reading my thoughts. Let me know what you think it means to be a good friend in the comments below! But ultimately, just thank you for being a friend. People who have friendships that they prioritize in their lives tend to be happier, healthier and live longer. They also tend to feel more fulfilled in their life, regardless of how “successful” they are.
So please, be a friend. And thank your friends for being there for you!
