Hello and welcome back to the Thoughts that Bind. Today, I really wanted to talk about potential. We’re all seemingly obsessed with it, and I’m not convinced it’s for our good.
Obsessed might seem like a strong word when it comes to potential, but really think about it. People wait for Monday to start their diets, New Year’s Resolutions abound each time another year rolls around (people even proclaim there will be a new them). And we do this about people too, especially young people. We tell them about how much potential they have to be xyz, we try to do this to get them dreaming big, I think. But is there any evidence that this works?
Back to school
It can seem like almost all of our emotional issues can be traced back to when we are young, so this line of thought might be a little tiresome for some, but bear with me.
School, for many of us, wasn’t that fun. But did you know that regardless of whether you were deemed a “high potential individual” or the inverse, this assessment may have hurt you.
Students and young people deemed low potential tend to suffer for self esteem issues, inadvertent neglect by caregivers and authority figures, and this can develop into a little bit of a chip on their shoulder as they grow. Nobody believes in them, so they have ill-expectations already placed on them from the get-go.
And yet higher potential individuals (or those deemed so) also seem to get the short end of the stick. They tend to burn out, have problems asking for help, and feel extreme pressure to succeed at all costs, whether they were prepared for the task or not. And even worse emotional turmoil tends to befall them when they fail.
Romantic relationships
And it’s not just growing up that we focus on potential to no avail. We often pick and stay in relationships for the potential they carry. I’ve heard many a person express that their partner has “so much potential” in terms of hypothetical monetary success or even just potential to be a better human being.
The problem with potential in general, but especially in this scenario, is that means that we’re expecting or at least hoping for things to change. And while we can expect our partners to change over time, we cannot give into the illusion that we can change them or dictate how they change. That’s deluded at best and abusive at worst.
You don’t want to build a relationship on potential. As much as potential is a good thing and you want to grow with your partner, potential is something that should be a bonus on your relationship, not what keeps you around. You want a solid, supportive base. And one that is in a happy, healthy state.
Talent
But then we get to things like talent and skill and the house of cards really starts to collapse. What I mean is, when people observe really skilled people, they tend to wax poetic about their prolific talent.
There’s no arguing that the best athletes, musicians, scientists etc are very talented on average. However, talent means very little without skill. Talent is propensity. Or, put another way, talent is nothing more than good potential.
When you look at someone and admire them for what they can do, if there is anything substantial to look at, what you’re truly admiring is their skill. Not talent. This idea of talent is, in many ways, an illusion. And it can lull many individuals into a sense of unearned complacency.
You may be talented, but are you skilled?
There’s something so exciting about finding a new talent of yours. This warm fuzzy feeling that wow, right off the bat, I really seem to have a knack for this. But if that feeling doesn’t become your positive feedback loop for continuing to hone your skill, there’s a disconnect somewhere.
A lot of talented people feel very uncomfortable when their talents are pushed. When they have to go out of their comfort zone, they realize that maybe they’re not as good at this as they once thought. And that can be pretty scary. But then they do nothing. They avoid the subject, trading what would be a really cool skill for the more aesthetically pleasing hypothetical of talent.
What I’m saying is simply this; if you never get skilled, hardly anyone will ever know you’re talented. And further more, you won’t hardly be able to do anything with that talent.
Skill over potential, any day
It’s pretty clear we overvalue potential and talent. But when it comes to you and your life, what can you do to boost the underside of it?
Well, get good at asking yourself hard questions. Learn to notice when you’re evading doing the hard work behind improving, and why. What is it that you’re scared of?
And two, learn to value the true wisdom of the drop in the bucket. One drop will do nothing. But many drops, over time, will fill your bucket. Do not underestimate the power of an established pattern or habit, especially as a predictor of the future. And remember, if you ever have to choose between potential and real, honed reality, go for what is actually there. Because potential, no matter how good, is not enough on its own.
