5 Things that I’m proud of (that my past self wouldn’t be)

We talk a lot about making yourself proud. Making things easy on your future self, wondering what younger you would have thought about you now. And you know what? I think that overall, younger me would be pretty proud to see who I’ve become today, and who I am still working on becoming. But there are a few things that I know might make her confused, to say the least. 

   I want to normalize this, because I think that it’s an important part of growing—changing your mind and changing your course. And while I think that the younger version of me generally had a pretty good head on her shoulders, I’ve learned more over time what is good for me and what I really want out of my life. So, without further ado, here are five things that I am proud of, but my past self probably wouldn’t be. 

1) I dropped out of college

   I grew up always being taught that college was the way to a good life. And I’m not going to say it isn’t a possible path to a better life. But in my experience, it’s not the only path, and it’s not a guaranteed bettering either. 

   The thing is, with the state of colleges right now, you’re putting in a lot of time and effort, likely to be stacked with loads of debt later. Now this isn’t terrible if you’re given a career that you care about and will pay well at the end of it all, but that isn’t guaranteed either. 

   So what happens if you can’t find a job in your field, or if college wasn’t enough for you to find yourself and now you have credentials for a job that sucks your soul? Well, you’re just kind of out of luck. 

   For me, I stopped going to college because my real life was in more need than my academic life and I realized that I didn’t even know why I was there, other than the fact that I was “supposed to be”. I’m proud that I didn’t stay and waste time, money and effort on an unclear goal with an uncertain reward. 

   I may go back to school someday, should I find something that interests me that I really want to do. But until then, I know myself. College is an investment, and for now, not one that I’m interested in making. I’ll explore life in other ways, and if college ever makes sense in the future, I won’t hesitate to go back. (If you want to read more about my college conclusion, you can find that here.)

2) I’m not as thin as I could be

   Unfortunately, I used to think that being thin was super important. So important, in fact, that it determined my worth both for certain opportunities and as a person. That makes me cringe now to even think about it, but that is how I felt in years past. 

   It took a while for me to realize that the people who love me don’t need me to be skinny, and in fact they don’t even “prefer it that way”. They prefer me happy and healthy. And opportunities really don’t come because you’re thin or pretty, even. (Except maybe modeling, I suppose.) Opportunities come from merit and being at the right place at the right time. 

   Anyone whose affection and interest in me depends on my weight is someone frankly not worth pursuing. Because a worthwhile relationship (romantic, social, business or otherwise) will be based on so much more.

3) I’m not with my first love

   This is probably a pretty common sentiment as you get older, but I learned that not all romances last forever, and it’s better that way. We’re all just humans looking for a connection, but believe me when I say that some of those connections are truly better left in the past. 

   I thought that if you were actually in love, then it should last forever. But now I know that longevity does not equal love, passion or emotion. My past relationships ended because they should have, not because they or I failed. 

   I realize that if I were still with my first boyfriend, I wouldn’t have had so many lovely experiences with other people, and to be honest, with myself. 

4) I am no longer a Christian 

   I have written about this on this site before, but I grew up in a really conservative Christian household. And so, my whole childhood I would live according to the Christian values. We spent multiple days a week at church and prayed every day before eating and going to sleep. We were asked to think about what the Bible would say about our struggles, our peers, our outfits—everything was God first. 

   And I took these rules and values very seriously. I very much wanted to be a good person and do what I was told, and based on my upbringing, this was the way to do it. In some ways, I think Christianity did teach me some things. (Whether or not they would have been taught to me anyway is inconclusive, but I learned them from Christianity. If you’re interested in what those are, you can find that post here.)

   But the older I got, the more questions I had. And the more questions I had, the more I tried to find answers from the church and in the Bible. As I asked questions regarding the faith I had been raised to have, I was finding more and more that the church and the Bible didn’t have satisfactory answers for me. 

   I tried to hide it for a long time. I tried harder than ever to pray often. Giving my worries to God. And living the way I was told he wanted me to. But it didn’t quell my questions or my dissatisfaction with their supposed answers. And it was a difficult step for me, but I finally left that faith. (You can hear more about my perspective on wounds from religion here.)

   These days, my spiritual practice is a little different. Some would call me an atheist, some would say I’ve found a different religion, others would say I’m agnostic. And I suppose, in their own way all would be correct. 

   But for me, I’m so glad that I’m not living in the mandate of what others chose for me any longer. I’m so glad I’m not forcing myself to act on beliefs I don’t have. Or hating myself for not being convinced of the same things as my parents. I’m finally free to be myself, and that is a beautiful thing. 

5) I have no interest in tradition for its own sake

   I feel like this one might be the root of many of these. (Or at least play an integral role in many of them.) But I’m glad that I have decided to abandon tradition for its own sake.

   I’m not against tradition inherently. I like learning about history and culture and the customs of others. That being said, I don’t know of perspectives more limiting than the idea that we have to do something a certain way simply because that’s how we’ve always done it. 

   Think about it. If you’re limited by your knowledge or your fear, hypothetically there is a way that somehow, someday, you’ll be able to change. But if you have to do things how they’ve always been done? Well, there’s no way out of that one. 

   Also, if you have no other reason for doing something other than tradition, that thing probably isn’t worth doing. If something is worthwhile, it’ll have its own merits, even if it’s not tradition. 

   Traditions can help us feel like we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves. They let us reflect on the past place ourselves in the future in some small way. I think that the human tendency toward tradition and comfort is a beautiful one, when applied correctly. But when your traditions keep you from living the kind of life you want and need, it’s time to change things up. 

   I think that making up your own traditions is a part of growing up. And as I look back over the years, I hope I find more and more things like this that I had the courage to step away from and follow my heart.