Hello, and welcome back to the Thoughts that Bind. We talk so much about our thoughts on this site, as you can probably imagine. But I feel we don’t talk nearly enough about where they come from. And so today, I want to talk about stories. Because these stories have a tendency to make up who we are, or who we might think we are. So let’s get into it.
Tradition, stories that define families and cultures
I think the first kind of stories that shape us are more aptly called “Tradition”. We, as individuals, are brought up in specific groups, whether that’s families, neighborhoods, cities, churches, countries. Each of these groups acts upon its shared sense of history, of background, of tradition. And these traditions, over time, build values.
We tell stories about what we think built these traditions, and sometimes they match the actual origins, sometimes they don’t. Nonetheless, these stories make up our paradigms about what the world is like from a very young age. They build our traditions, the things we do over and over again. The things we look forward to each year, the things we can count on from otherwise possibly uncertain people and times.
And learning the stories behind these traditions brings us a lot, actually. It can teach us about the generations that came before us and where we might have gotten our nebulous values from. It can teach us why we care about certain things. And in some cases, it can show us that we’ve lost our way.
If we’re blindly accepting a tradition we don’t believe in on the basis of tradition alone, then I believe we’re doing ourselves a disservice. Because while you may be part of any given group, that doesn’t mean that’s all you are. And as an individual, there are going to be times when your family or country’s customs don’t align with your own personal values or outlook on life. You’ll only know that from learning about these stories. And once you do, you can decide how you want to alter these traditions to fit who you are. Or if you even want to take part in them at all.
Personal history that defines your beliefs and identity
And the traditions of your culture aren’t all that make up you as a person, either. You’ve got your own personal stories floating around in your head at any given time. And these stories are both conscious and subconscious. Whether we like it or not, our own personal experiences and perceptions of the past make up a large part of who we are and how we behave.
I think this one of the best functions of talk therapy, if you’ve ever been. It’s digging into who you tell yourself you are, looking at the origins of these subconscious scripts, giving you a new perspective on them and a way forward. I think it’s important for us to realize that every nonsensical thing we do, we do for a reason. And sometimes we’ll self-sabotage with what we want, simply because we’re telling ourselves the story that our desire doesn’t align with the “kind of person we are”. This is sad and frustrating, but also, completely unnecessary, when we think about it. If we take a look into our own personal stories, we can learn why we came to that conclusion. And we can see that those thoughts are not nearly as set in stone as we might be led to believe.
Other people all have their own stories
But while we’re on the subject of personal experiences and inner monologues, I would be remiss to mention that everyone you meet has their own set of stories and histories that they tell themselves and act upon every single day. And when you see someone acting odd, unkind or uncooperative, well, that’s most likely why. They’re telling themself a story that’s not synergizing with their desire to be kind, cooperative, and so on and so forth. We all do it.
I think it’s important to take a step back and reflect on this from time to time. Because it’s easy to get frustrated and impatient with rude people. When you get to know someone better, and I mean really get to know someone, you’ll understand more about why they act like they do. Everyone has their own wealth of experiences, memories about what kind of day each holiday is, what happens on certain days of the week, what their mother told them 12 years ago and so on and so forth. Everyone else also has this rich fabric of experience if you get to know them.
And you can’t intimately know everyone. I know. You can’t intimately know a lot of people in your life. But even remembering this truth more frequently will help you keep it in perspective that there are just some things that you’re not going to understand. Which can be difficult to accept otherwise. But if you truly sink into this idea, this understanding, you’ll build more compassion for the people around you, and for yourself as well. We’ve all got these stories in our heads that govern our behavior. And sometimes they’re just not the ones we want.
Making your own stories to build the life you want
And so, with that being said, I think there’s one last puzzle piece to all of this. You can start to build new stories for yourself to follow, if you want. The more you learn about your personal stories that make up your psyche, the more you can learn to tweak them to your liking, completely discard them, or construct new ones that suit your values better, in your brain.
At first blush, this seems overwhelming. And while I’ll admit, it’s easier said than done, it doesn’t take so much effort that it’s impossible. What you’ll really need to do this is self-reflection, critical thought, and then perseverance. Self reflection is how you come to find what scripts and stories you’ve got playing in your head, while critical thought is what you’ll need to figure out if they’re true and useful.
But once you understand where you’re at and where you’re trying to go, what you really need is that stick-to-it-ness. Because a little progress each day will sustain you, will make for lasting change. We all want to be brand new people overnight, and I do think that can happen sometimes when you have a passionate epiphany. But it’s that commitment that will keep it alive. And that is something, that while frustrating at times, you have control of. Keep your new perspectives and habits going, even if you can only manage a little bit at a time. Keep your goal alive and well, even if you’re moving agonizingly slow. Because the longer you can keep at it, the further away your old problems and pains will get.
Getting to know the stories
And so, talk to others. Others in your family, your community, your culture. Ask them questions and learn why you have the traditions you do. Listen to them talk about their lives—really lend an ear even if it seems boring at first. Because this is how you learn where they’re coming from. It’s the golden key to understanding how they might want to be treated and why they act the way they do. It’s not a panacea, but if you know why somebody hurt you and you know it’s not personal, it takes the sting out of it a little bit.
Because when it comes to mental mastery, there is very little that can’t be aided by learning the stories.
