Hello, and welcome back to the Thoughts that Bind. I recently had a realization of something that is a common thing touted in self-help, and I thought, why not talk about it? So today, we’re talking about the mindset shift behind thinking “What can you do?”
My own context
If I’m being honest, I can be pretty pessimistic sometimes. I like to think it makes me a realist, but I think sometimes it truly does me more harm than good. It’s like my brain is primed to see all of the possible problems with something before it can possibly be coaxed into seeking out a solution. (And sometimes not even then does it want to change gears.)
And historically, that has bled into my outlook on the world. There have been days in my life when everything has just seemed pointless because there are so many problems in this world. It seems like there are too many sad and bad things, and often enough, the people don’t help matters, even people who are ostensibly “good people” (an idea that we have picked apart ad nauseum on this site). The truth is, there will always be problems and even bad people in this world. (At least, as far as I can tell.) And I get it, somedays, we really just don’t want to deal with that.
Burnout
I think that a lot of people in this modern world are chronically suffering from decision fatigue. We have so much information piped in on a daily (or even momentary) basis, that we’re nearly always needing to expend brain power simply to figure out how we feel about something. The problem is, there are infinite things to have feelings and opinions about. By the time our day is done and we’ve listened and problem-solved for our jobs and families and the world around us, there feels like there’s very little left for our personal endeavors and action.
And this is actually an awful and dangerous place to be in. This is where dreams go to die, where lives end in regret and where we go deaf from the howling winds of “what if”. What kind of life would you have lived if you weren’t exhausted all the time? What kind of person would you be if you had the emotional wherewithal to follow your dreams? What if life were simple?
I don’t want to downplay the weight of this state of being, it’s crushing. You feel drained of any inkling of inspiration or passion, and yet trapped in inaction, even if you did know what you wanted. You feel useless, like the world around you is separate from you. Like you couldn’t do anything to affect it if you tried, like your life is just happening to you. I have lived many years of my life this way as well. And sometimes, when I’m not careful, I go back to it. However, there is another way.
How to escape
What you might start looking for is a path to quieting down all the extraneous things in your life. And this is a journey, a one-by-one observation and study type thing. It’s different for everybody and I promise, you will be no different. You will need to figure out what sorts of things are truly important to you in the form of values and priorities. And sometimes, the best way to begin this process is by realizing what things are simply not that important.
Look at what you’re spending your in-between time on. Are you super into social media or candy crush or watching movies? All of these activities are fine in and of themselves, but when they start creeping into large swaths of time, it’s time to ask “Am I really getting enough out of this?” And it’s not just screens, okay? Although technology in some form is the way a lot of people deplete their time and energy, it’s not universal. Maybe you like to spend all your time shopping (online or at a mall, who knows, it’s your life, not mine). Or you voraciously watch sports or go out partying. Just…look at what’s creeping into your life and ask yourself “is this really working for me?” And if it’s not, start cutting down (or out, depending on context).
All of that space
Once you find yourself with more time and space in your schedule, you may start feeling pretty uncomfortable. That’s because those habits were more functional than you perhaps realized. You were using them to fill a hole in your psyche, to anesthetize yourself in a way. And you might be thinking “well, why would you be advising me to a path that will make me uncomfortable?” And that’s fair, but I promise you, this is how you get out of the decision fatigue, regret and burnout.
The next step to this is taking that discomfort and using it as your cues. Why are you uncomfortable? What are you trying to avoid? These questions are really important because they help us realize what our true values and priorities are, and in turn, what we want to fill our lives with in the future. However, what they also do is show us how numbing ourselves out with constant stimulation is not the answer. Much in the same way that self-harm does not solve our emotional problems, simply chasing the fun doesn’t help us move forward with our life goals or our personal convictions. And we know this, in theory. But sometimes we need to be shown how that applies to us specifically.
Moving toward an intentional life
The fact is, life will throw you around in all sorts of directions, regardless of who you are. All we can do as people is simply try for the best response we can muster and keep reorienting ourselves to our goals. While a lot of people might find that depressing, I think it’s beautiful. Some people are certainly given more opportunities and privilege in life, I’m not disregarding that. But for everyone, the path to an intentional life is pretty much the same. Crafting themselves and their environments to the degree that they’re capable and taking responsibility for what they have control over.
And it’s the same for you and me. Once you’ve distanced yourself from the habits that aren’t working for you (one at a time, of course, and the journey never entirely ends), you can start implementing habits and goals that truly reflect who you are and who you want to be. Again, this is a simple concept, but not necessarily an easy practice. It’s something you have to dedicate yourself to again and again, and it’s a practice that will take a different shape over time as your grow and change with life. That’s to be expected. But it is something that you have the ability to do.
Clear your mind
A habit that I would highly recommend during this process is meditation. Because you can kick out all the extra noise from the world around you (maybe. Can you? Anyway,) but even then, you’ve still got a lot going on in your brain. And meditation doesn’t smooth out all of the mental neuroses but it does help to quiet the extraneous thoughts. The outside world will probably never be quiet, but your inside world can be.
And the more your mind is put at ease, the easier it will be to make decisions based on what’s really important to you. Instead of anxiety, fear, and needing to be doing something. I wrote a post about simple meditation techniques that you can read here. But really, for beginners, I would recommend simple mindfulness. Just sit in a place without any distractions and breathe. Feel what it feels like to be in your body, breathing in and out, in this moment. Just be here now, just for a few moments. The more often you do this, the more you will feel connected to yourself and the world around you, in a good way.
Changing your mindset
And I think the ultimate mindset shift when it comes to emotional overwhelm from a messy and scary world is simply this. Acknowledge the reality of the situation. (Without this part, your brain won’t want to come onboard.) Look at it for what it really is, warts and all. Write it down, make a flow chart if you need to. And ask yourself “what can I do?”
I know, focus on what you can change, what a cliche. But when it seems like everything is pointless and the whole world is against you, this is sometimes the best (and only) question to ask. For example, “I can’t end world hunger all by myself. What can I do?” You may feel underwhelmed at your ability to fix the thing that’s eating at you, and that’s a very human emotion. But I’ll tell you this, doing the little that is possible is always better than doing nothing at all out of despair.
Keep on crawling
It reminds me of a quote that we hear all the time in recovery. “If all you can do is crawl, then keep on crawling.” And in life, I’ve found this to be so true. You probably can’t end world hunger by yourself overnight. But imagine if, because of you, one less person went to bed hungry tonight. That might not seem like much to you because it falls short of your goal (or your overwhelming expectation of yourself), but for that one person you’ve helped, I can tell you, it makes a difference.
It also works in recovery or furthering your personal projects or any other host of things you might want to do with your life. If you take a second to do a small thing today and add onto that tomorrow, in a year, you’ll be amazed at what kind of progress you were able to make. And it’s the in-between that life is all about, in truth.
So look at what you can do, and do it. Do your best, and don’t get bogged down by your inability to do more. When you learn to stay in your lane and continue to make the progress that you’re capable of making, you improve a lot more quickly than you may realize. And who knows? Maybe soon after taking your baby steps, you’ll be able to do a lot more than that. But even if you aren’t, those baby steps are still worth it. They still count for something, and they’re still something to be proud of. So please, my friend. Just focus on what you can do.
