Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of change around me, in the world and within people that I know and care about. Some of it’s positive, and some I may be inclined to classify as negative, but if I’m being honest, most of it’s just neutral. And of course, as with most things that are just neutral, there is a lot to be examined. So let’s jump in and talk about it!
Now to be fair, the world is literally always changing. It’s not like that’s anything new (although sometimes it feels like nothing ever changes, that’s just a perception). But lately my life has been subject to a lot of external change. And when there is a lot of external change, it really makes me reflect on the internal. I used to think I knew how the people around me would think and react to certain things. And the more that time goes by, the more I realize the limitations of that assumption.
People really do change
There’s a lot of conversations to be had about people and the nature of change. It seems equally true to say that people are always changing, and yet never change, depending on the context of the conversation. But the more I watch people, the more I think that change is inevitable, even inside of us.
We take different approaches to change, for sure. Some people are more active and others are more passive. But nobody passes through this life unchanged. Either life changes you or you change within it.
Embracing the change
When we’re young, especially, people feel a big sense of responsibility to “figure themselves out”. So they’ll experiment with different looks, identities etc, to see what feels right for them. We give young people a lot of crap for this, telling them things like “you look silly” or “it’s just a phase”. It’s very dismissive. But really, I don’t think it’s just adolescents that should be doing this. Adults should be experimenting and trying to find themselves too. Not in the sense that “yourself” was ever truly lost. (It wasn’t.) But it is an evolving thing. And if you don’t continually reimagine and rediscover yourself, then eventually you’ll find that you’re out of touch with what’s going on in your own life (and brain).
Nobody really “knows themself”. Not in the way that we often mean it, anyway. What you can do though, is to do some introspection. Examine your past and your motives for acting the way that you did. Reflect on the lessons you’ve learned and the things that you’d like to learn, and also (as I’m constantly talking about the importance of), your feelings. (You can find a post all about feelings here.)These things can help you get to know yourself and where you’re at better, but you can’t forget that you’re a moving target. We all are.
When you juxtapose these past understandings of yourself with your goals and dreams for the future, it can help you learn a lot about yourself. And if you’re really into personal development, you probably know that. But if you’ve been into personal development for a long time, you’re also probably used to changing a lot, and seeing the people around you…well, not change as much. But make no mistake, they are changing too. Whether it’s them deciding or life is simply changing them, they are changing too.
Other people’s journeys
If you’re really into your own business, it may come as a surprise when you’re met face to face with someone else’s personal growth or change. It can come about in funny ways, too. You may get a heart-to-heart chat if you’re the kind of person people seek out for that sort of thing, but then again, you may not. You might find out through other people that someone has changed, or it might simply be snuck into your next interaction in a casual, throwaway comment. And when this happens, it’s important to embrace it.
As we know, life is change. And seeing change in someone else (particularly someone you care about) is something we should celebrate, because that’s just showing that they’re still alive. Stagnancy is worse, by far. It’s unhealthy and depressing to live out. Change is empowering and hopeful. And I know what you’re thinking. “Not all change is positive”. And yes, that’s true too. But just because you don’t see it as a positive doesn’t mean it isn’t one for the person living it out.
To me, it’s very important to be very supportive of people taking a look within and making new discoveries. Even if we can’t relate to them. Because someone living in their truth (to the best of their current ability) is a beautiful thing. And as long as it doesn’t cause harm to others, it should be celebrated.
When it comes to forgiveness
But I think there’s another more insidious reason we have a hard time letting other people explore themselves. It has to do with forgiveness, actually. I think at its core, forgiveness is giving people the freedom to be themselves. And when we think about it in this way, it becomes a heck of a lot more clear.
See, if someone acts out of character and hurts our feelings, it can be easier to forgive them, because we know they “didn’t mean it”, and probably won’t do it again. If someone hurts us just by being who they are, we can come to a different kind of forgiveness. A kind where we let go of anger towards them but decide not to include them in certain aspects of our life. (Or sometimes, not to include them in our lives at all.) This is still valid and it’s still forgiveness.
But people changing can put a wrench in all of this. If someone does something to hurt you and it’s simply them being them, it makes sense to put up the appropriate boundaries and move forward. But then what if they “see the error of their ways”, so to speak, and decide to change? It can be a very strange feeling to all of a sudden get the respect you deserve from a previously unsupportive source. At it’s most toxic, you may feel like they have no right to come to you trying to improve after all the damage they’ve done.
And I want you to know, it’s okay not to extend the first kind of forgiveness at the first sign of somebody trying to change their ways. (Or ever, even.) Nobody is entitled to be a part of your life. But people do grow and change.
Your own journey
I think that giving people space for their growth can be a part of our own. Being supportive of people making positive changes and realizations in life is one of the biggest, most small-scale things that we can do to affect positive change in this world. You don’t have to seek this out, it’ll come to you. And when it does, be ready for it.
Encourage others to become more fully themselves with each day, even if that means they’ll leave bits and pieces behind that you got kind of used to. Learn to love people as they are, not as they were or could be. Learn to be a cheerleader for other’s growth as you are learning to be for yourself.
And if someone was toxic in the past, remember that you don’t have to integrate them into your life today, boundaries be darned. But don’t trap them in a prison of their past mistakes because of your own personal grudges. If their past actions hurt you, wouldn’t it be great to know that they’re not doing that to people anymore?
Change is beautiful
Change itself is a beautiful thing. It’s full of potential and hope. Every change comes with pros and cons (well, at least every change that I’m aware of), but in every new life chapter, there are new things to cherish, and that’s what makes life so great.
Change is a big part of living life as it comes, and I hope that reading this has helped you make strides to embrace it when you can, in yourself as well as others. If you want to hear more about being yourself, take a look at this short read. It’s all about individualism and change. And if you’re trying to build your sense of self, look at this post. And as always, thanks for reading!
