We all want to know how to get the most out of our lives. The most fulfillment, joy, accomplishment, connection, etc. So naturally, we attempt to better ourselves with goals and reflection, and we try to take in other people’s ideas through books, interviews and other media (like this website, for example). And it’s all a good effort, I’d say. But broad strokes, it’s misguided. Because nobody can teach you how to live your life.
I’ve been getting into more self-help books lately. Reading the ideas of others and trying to implement them in my daily habits in order to revolutionize my life. And why not? It’s always worked for me in the past. Except when it hasn’t.
For both my personal enrichment as well as the sake of the Thoughts that Bind, I’m constantly trying to take in new information about leading a fulfilling, successful life. I want to bring good ideas to the table, and I want to live by the good ideas that I share with you all. Yet this habit of diving into the ideas of others predates my platform for sharing them. And over the years, I’ve had multiple instances in my life where I would cite an issue that I’m going to call “self-help fatigue”.
Self-help fatigue
Motivation comes in waves, and that includes the motivation to change yourself for the better. I would venture to say that life is really just about riding these waves. Using them to your advantage as they start to rise, and try to keep your good habits once the motivation wanes. That being said, it’s not just a natural loss of motivation that accounts for the phenomenon of becoming weary of self-help media consumption.
Basically, the more books you read with good, compelling ideas, the more you’ll find that they often contradict each other. Sure, read one book, and if you’re lucky, you can take its contents and apply them to your daily life. But then say you read the next one, equally as compelling, with a different perspective. Both writers are very successful and persuasive. What do you do? How do you choose whose idea to take for your own? And that’s assuming you’re reading books on the same topic, back to back. Now take books about different topics and intersperse them with each other. At some point, it begins to all feel a bit frantic. There are so many things you can work on in order to improve yourself and your life, and you’re being pulled from every direction. Burnout and confusion inevitably ensue.
What’s really happening?
Well, the low hanging fruit is that you really ought to read one self-help book at a time. Let it marinate, start putting it to use in your life and testing it out first. And once the ideas have become a habit for you, then you can move on to another concept. But there’s a whole different issue to take a look at.
When you’re consuming this sort of media that’s meant to advise or inspire (etc), you’re usually doing it because you feel that there’s something lacking in your life (or yourself) and you don’t have the answer to fix it. And there’s not a ton wrong with this perspective, but the problem is that our brains often take the natural next step and assume that other people do, in fact, have the answers. When, let’s be honest, they don’t.
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, this discussion might start to sound eerily similar to a past one about discernment (which you can find here) where I told you that you shouldn’t just automatically trust what anyone tells you, including me. And it is, in a way. The mechanisms behind a personal sense of discernment apply here– don’t take people’s word for granted, even if they sound super smart. What’s slightly different is the why.
Why shouldn’t I absorb these good ideas?
When we’re talking about discernment, we’re dealing with the reality that anyone could lie to you and that nobody is infallible or has all the answers. But this weariness towards the self-help genre is taking the perspective one step further. Even if this person has all the answers, they may not be the answers for you. (Even if they think they are.) When it comes to life, although we mostly want the same things, we all have different possible sources of these things.
What makes me feel loved might make you feel smothered, which is why some people are more compatible than others. And the same is true with life fulfillment. When someone is sharing something that was a massive breakthrough in their life, you may be filled with a sense of annoyance or boredom, because their finding just doesn’t apply to you of doesn’t interest you in general. And while sometimes these feelings are mired in cognitive dissonance or lack of listening, other times they are simply valid.
Other people know better
It is up to you, largely, to decipher what is behind these thoughts and feelings. But the other side of the coin is that some of us just don’t have them. Whether we look at it as a surplus of empathy or a lack of a sense of self, the truth is, a lot of us turn off these internal cues that tell us a certain idea isn’t for us. So when we hear someone who sounds smart speak with conviction, we’re very easily convinced that we should be doing this thing too (whatever it happens to be). And that can get us into trouble.
Think about somebody who values being a nice and kind human being. They work hard to consider other’s feelings and needs in their daily life, they try to give of themselves on a regular basis, all that jazz. If this person lacks a sense of self, and they lay their hands on some teachings that try to teach selfish people more generosity and empathy, they may be convinced that they need to try even harder than they already do. (Now this is partially to the fault of the creator for imprecise language, perhaps. But you can’t account for every possible caveat when you’re trying to explain a specific idea. Otherwise, your point becomes too muddied.)
If an overly empathetic person becomes convinced that they need to try harder to regard the wants and needs of others, then that’s a recipe for a walking doormat. So it’s important to have a strong sense of who you are when you’re trying to look at any sort of media that asks you to change yourself, so you know whether or not the message even applies to you in the first place.
Say the piece is meant for you
So, we’ve covered what happens when you’re not part of the target demographic. But what if you are? Well, that doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods yet. You see, not everything that challenges you is worth your time. I don’t mean to say you shouldn’t go out and seek challenges. You should, because that’s how we learn and grow. But listen, there are purposeful adventures and then there are wild goose chases. And life is too short to spend on the wild goose chases of self improvement.
This point is not meant to relegate any specific idea or work as pointless in the sphere of self improvement. It’s more to highlight the fact that just because you identify in yourself what someone perceives as a shortcoming, doesn’t mean that you have to rush to fix it. In life, we only have so much time and energy allotted to us. And quite frankly, not everything can be a priority. There’s no shame in that. If this flaw of yours isn’t hurting anybody, then it’s really just up to you whether or not it’s worth tackling at this time (or at all). You can choose no, that’s an option.
What to do with this information
So, how do we put this idea into action within our own lives? Well, start by reminding yourself whenever possible that other people’s perspective, no matter how insightful, is not the be-all and end-all. You don’t have to take it as gospel.
But ultimately, it’s important to take stock of yourself. Get honest with yourself about where you’re at. Where are your flaws and shortcomings, where are you average, and where do your strengths lie? You may benefit from writing these things out, or having a good heart-to heart with someone who knows you well and has your best interests at heart.
And once you’ve gotten these things straightened out in your mind, you want to have a consistent line of communication with yourself about what you want out of life, and where you’re at with achieving it. Then whenever you take in big ideas, you will be able to see how they fit into who you are and what you want, if at all. From there, it’s easy to see what parts will and will not be of use to you, and to what degree.
Bottom line
When it comes to your life, you’re going to have to make the decisions about how to live it. Somebody else’s opinions are no substitute for consideration of who you are and planning for who you want to become. If you want to live a life that you’re proud of, it’s time to have a vision. Piggybacking on someone else’s vision will just keep you feeling small.
Once you understand this, you’re not going to automatically stop being interested in personal development or self-help books. On the contrary. You’ll finally be able to take them in for all they’re worth. And you’ll master the art of leaving behind the parts that, for you, don’t matter.
As always, thanks for reading. And if something I said today touched you, consider subscribing to the blog of following it on twitter @thoughtsbind. Remember to share, comment, and reflect. And keep living life as it comes.
