The other day I was reading an article about how a lot of guys these days become men but still don’t feel like men. It was actually a pretty good article, if you want to take a look at it. (Click here to learn how to feel like a man from the art of manliness blog.) And while it may seem like an odd place for me to be drawing inspiration from since I am not a man, this one post really struck a nerve in me, so I wanted to talk about it.
If you don’t plan on reading the post, I’ll summarize it briefly. Basically, they posited that young men these days were growing up and not feeling like men. The catchprase that they tasked the reader with is “virile agitur”, which translates into “the manly thing is being done”. The idea is that if you wait around to feel “like a man” in order to do “manly things”, then you’re never going to get there. You don’t become what you consider to be a man by sitting on your butt and contemplating manhood or your perceived lack thereof. Instead, you get into action and do the sort of things that you would expect the man you want to be to do–even if you don’t feel like it. In a way, this is a sort of “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, and they acknowledge that in the piece.
How do we become something?
I would like to make one small reframe of this idea. It’s not so much a “fake it ‘til you make it”. I would consider it to be more of a nailing down of the process of becoming. I don’t like this perception we have of the idea “fake it ‘til you make it”, for that very reason. It sort of places an emphasis on lack of authenticity and then tries to make the case that it’s okay to be inauthentic sometimes. Well, more like it implies it with lack of explanation.
As someone who treasures both authenticity and personal growth, this intersection is very important to me. I’ve asked myself many a time over the years if I’m abandoning myself by trying to grow. And each time, it comes from a place of pain. Pain that, while subtle, this “fake it ‘til you make it” explanation fails to address.
And eventually we’re left with this idea that we have to be inauthentic sometimes, if we want to achieve or goals and live our dreams. That doesn’t sit right with me. And like I said, that’s not the case that anyone seems to actually be making, it’s just something that we seem to be left with, after all is said and done, and we’re all alone. So how do we honor our old self while we simultaneously try to build something new?
Are you killing your old self or building on it?
I think the real distinction between inauthenticity and authentic change is in your motives. Do you want to change because you’re rejecting yourself and want to get as far away from this version of you as possible? Or are you seeing the pain you’re in, and out of love for yourself, you want to improve? Because one is more healthy than the other, obviously. But we don’t often take a chance to sit back and reflect on our true motivations behind wanting to change.
And something that we don’t often take into account is that when we try to change from an inauthentic place, we’re more likely to fail or use it as an excuse to self-sabotage. Yes, if you’re making a good decision for bad reasons, you might be dooming yourself to failure– particularly when it comes to the realm of personal development. So you want to be sure to nail this idea down, even though it is pretty conceptual.
What does it look like to change authentically?
We’re so used to looking for red flags, but when it comes to this, what we really need to be looking for are signs that you’re going about this right. Because it’s harder to nail down a mindset than it is a destructive action. So here are some things to think about.
Do you feel peace and pride about your decision to move toward a particular goal?
If your motivations are pure then your feelings behind your new habits aren’t going to be as complicated, assuming it is an ostensibly good idea. If all the healthy relationships in your life support you in a decision you’re making to change yourself/life, then you’ll feel a sense of peace in it if your reasons for making your good decision are good.
What is your self talk like when you’re engaging in your new activity?
If you’re hearing a bunch of stuff about growth and improvement and excitement about a new future inside your head when you’re working on your goal, then that’s a good sign. Instead of shaming yourself for your past or present situation, you’re taking a healthier look at things. Showing confidence in yourself to improve and putting stock into your actions and how they affect your future.
Do you love yourself?
How you answer this question will give you a very good indication of where your headspace is when you’re making your decision–if you’re able to answer it honestly. If you love yourself and you decide to take on a new skill or task in your repertoire, then you’re going to be doing it for an authentic reason. Because ignoring and invalidating yourself is not loving. No two ways about it. That’s not to say this is a safeguard against making mistakes–it’s not. But it is a way to safeguard against inauthenticity. If you’re looking for more information about self love, take a peek at the post I wrote a while back about self love (you can find that here). It’s a journey, but one certainly worthwhile.
The application of these ideas
So I think we can really take these two ideas and squish them together into one full perspective that dominates either of them alone. Because this “virile agitur”, “fake it ‘til you make it” is incredibly useful in terms of getting things done. You need action– you can’t just sit around waiting to feel like a man or a writer or a businesswoman or whatever your goal happens to be. You need to get out there and do the actions that go along with it.
And sometimes these actions are uncomfortable. They stretch or completely obliterate your comfort zone and they scream to you, “This is not who I am!” And that’s true. But it’s who you can become.
When we put these two ideas together, it becomes clear. We’re not asking you to be inauthentic or to chase something that you’re not. But rather, what is necessary is to take stock of who you are and have always been. And then, set it down on the ground, to make a foundation for who you truly want to be. Building can be scary and stressful. But if you set it up right, you can do it both efficiently and authentically. So, as you see, “the manly thing is being done.”
Thanks for being with us today to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart. If you have something to add, go ahead and comment under the post, because we’d love to hear from you. If you want to hear more from the Thoughts that Bind, you can subscribe to the blog for weekly updates and follow me on twitter @thoughtsbind for some bonus binding thoughts.
