Foul weather friends
There’s a concept that you may have heard of, called foul weather friends. If you’re not familiar with the idea, it’s the opposite of fair weather friends. Fair weather friends only want to be around when there’s good times to be had, and when things get tough, they abandon you. Well, the inverse is also a thing that happens, where some people are only around for the bad.
It seems to be an almost unbelievable phenomena, when you define it that way. But believe it or not, this happens. And most people wouldn’t want to believe that they’re part of this sort of relationship, because who wants to be around for all of the bad stuff and none of the good stuff? But it happens for a reason.
Get through this together
I think people really tend to bond when the going gets tough. And that’s out of necessity. When life gets hard, you need to know who you can count on…and who you can’t. And the people who are there for you during your dark night of the soul will always hold a special place in your heart and in your mind, because they’ve proven that you can trust them. But sometimes this gets taken to a whole new level.
Whether we want to consider this sort of situation trauma bonding or whatever, building a relationship on a foundation of strife isn’t a good long-term plan. Even when life starts to mellow after a crisis, habits have already set in, and in many cases, bad habits. Basically, it’s way too easy to get stuck in a rut of complaining and focusing on the problems in the world.
If it’s the conversational and emotional habit of your relationship to go straight to the negatives of human existence and dig in, you’re going to find yourself with a foul-weather friend. Basically, you bond by making yourselves miserable, together. And then you bond more by agreeing that the sad things do in fact, suck, which just serves to make you both feel more heard and sad and justified in your sadness and stress due to the problems that are, in fact problems.
It’s not just friendships
Yes, we’ve been talking in terms of fair-weather and foul weather friends. But it isn’t just friends who can easily fall into this interpersonal kind of rut. It’s family and lovers, co-workers, and anyone who you interact with frequently. We often show our care for each other by validating each other’s pain and sadness, mirroring the other’s discomfort. And to be clear, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this. If you’re in pain, the last thing you probably want is to see someone grinning at you. No, it’s okay to empathize. And not just okay, but important. But we don’t want to use empathy as an excuse to only interact within negativity.
I find this pattern of interaction often runs in families. You may bond by gossiping about someone who isn’t in the room, or complaining about the government or politics or the state of global affairs together. It’s a good way of establishing, subconsciously, that you’re on the same page. But when you do learn this behavior from your family when you’re very young, it becomes difficult to notice and overcome in favor of more positive forms of bonding.
My own story
So what about me? Well, I’m no different. I realized, recently, that I do this sort of thing more often than I’d like. And often, I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. I know I have a big capacity for empathy. And when somebody’s in trouble, I feel drawn to them, to help them, or at least hold space for them and their struggle. I think I conflated that with love and a sense of personal importance.
The more I let someone complain and tell me about how sad they are, the more useful I feel like I am, as a person. And the better I feel that I am loving them. But I recently realized that A) that’s not all there is to love and B) I’m not so good at the other part–at least, not as good as I’d like.
Okay, so I definitely knew that there was more to love than just listening to people complain. There are really wonderful things about caring for people, like having fun and joking around and seeing how much enjoyment you can get out of life. After all, it’s not a destination, it’s all about the journey. But I realized that I tend to prioritize the emotional support part of caring for people, sometimes to the detriment of the happier parts of love and life. Like I said, being there for people when they’re struggling is an important skill. But you don’t want to direct them and yourself to thoughts and feelings of struggle in order to try and feel some sort of connection. So how do we get out of this habit?
Learning to bond better
I think the first step to nearly all personal change is self awareness. Take a look at your relationships with the people that you love and care about. Are they built on complaining? Are you really good at digging into the root of the pain, and having tearful heart to hearts…but you don’t remember the last time you cried from laughing too hard? If you find that most of your conversations are very deep and heavy, that might be another indicator. And do you make time for fun and celebrating? Or are most of your interactions venting?
The thing to keep in mind here is that we often don’t realize that there’s anything off about these relationships, because they tend to be reciprocal. If it was just you giving and giving emotional support, then you would be more likely to register that something is off. But they will also give you emotional support. And maybe these relationships don’t fall under the conventional umbrella of “toxic”, but that doesn’t mean that they couldn’t stand improvement. I mean, wouldn’t it be fun to be able to, well, have fun? Fun moments shared with the people you love are worth just as much as the painful moments that you get through together, and they add a beautiful complexity to life.
Having fun
I would suggest that you have a conversation with your loved one(s) that you find yourself often interacting negatively with, to explain to them a change in your intentions. If you point out the dynamic to them, they may be able to join you in your quest for more fun bonding and the happier parts of love. And if not, well hey, you tried. But two people willing to be happy and look for fun is going to be more fun (and likely more successful) than just one party trying for enjoyment.
So it’s time to flex your “happy loving” muscles. You’ve noticed that you have this pattern, and possibly talked to your loved ones about it, and you’re ready to get started. Where to begin? Well, I think the process is two-fold. And it’s just a matter of repeating these questions over and over again to yourself, in various situations, until you’ve cobbled together a philosophy. So here are the two things you want to keep asking yourself and acting upon.
- What am I doing to bring more joy into this day?
- What can I do to make my loved one feel appreciated and giddy?
When you use these two questions as guideposts, each moment can become remarkable. You start to see the little things during the day that might havegone unnoticed before–the things that make life truly worth living. And as you learn to orient yourself to fun, you’ll find that your happy relationships make for a happier brain when you’re on your own, too. You can even take these principles and apply them to your journey of self love and self care. (Learn more about self-love here, if that’s something that you’re interested in.)
Love is dynamic
The one thing that I hope you take away from this, if nothing else, is that love isn’t one specific feeling or emotion. Love bends and flows alongside of life. And sometimes it means throwing a party, other times it means sitting down for a good cry. But you don’t want to be stuck to one mode, because then you’re not getting the full experience. We throw a lot of shade at fair-weather friends, asking “where were you when I was hurting?” But I don’t think nearly enough of us put thought into the other side of the equation on a regular basis.
A person that you love is a whole person, with a wide range of emotions and experiences. And I believe that to love someone well means to be able to go with them in their life. When they’re happy, when they’re sad, when they’re angry or confused or excited. Basically, life happens. Be there for it, and don’t try to shove it into one little box of “appropriate feeling”. Embrace the fullness of experience, and walk the road of life. Together. Thanks for listening to my thoughts. Now go love each other.
