We last left off talking about loved ones, in this series of advice for young adults. And while that wasn’t the focus of the post (which you can find here), I realized that love and relationships deserved a category all to themselves. So let’s talk about love. Many young people are looking for their forever partner, dating, and trying to figure themselves out. And while relationships are something that many of us have on the mind, it is while we’re young that we have much to learn, mostly based off of lack of personal experience.
There are certain things that I wish someone had told me about love long ago. Although if they had, I’m not sure I would have listened. That being said, I know that if someone says something in just the right way when you’re in the right place to hear it, it can be a guiding light for you. So I’m going to go ahead and tell you the things I wish I would have known oh, let’s say a decade ago–things that would have saved me a lot of confusion and heartache.
Loving yourself first
I’ve actually written a whole post about this idea. You can find that here, if you’re interested in getting more in depth into the concept. But here’s the short version. People say that you have to love yourself first, before you can love someone else. And this is not true. Yet, at the same time, it is true.
Sounds like double talk, but it’s not. It just depends on your definition of loving someone. It doesn’t matter how many bad feelings you have towards yourself, that won’t make you incapable of feeling love, affection, and admiration for others. The beauty of other people is evident, and it makes sense to be able to appreciate them, regardless of how you feel about yourself. You can fall in love with someone if you hate yourself. Your feelings are genuine and real– don’t let someone make you doubt that.
The problem isn’t falling in love though. It’s supporting and maintaining a loving relationship. I realized over the years that my own sense of self-hatred was steadily ruining every relationship (romantic as well as just friendships) that I had. There are a lot of things that can happen when you hate yourself, a lot of subconscious responses.
You may sabotage the relationship because you don’t think you deserve it. You may punish yourself, which in turn, hurts the people who really care about you. And even if you don’t do these really big things, hating yourself can slowly eat away at a relationship just based on the amount of focus that it takes up. For example, if you’re too busy thinking about how much you hate your body and that’s taking up your brain, you may not notice when your partner comes home from work and has had a bad day.
If you’re not able to offer emotional support to your partner, or even worse, you find yourself actively doing things to damage your relationship, guess what? It’s not going to last. And even worse, it will be a bad relationship for both sides, as long as it does last. Even if you’re with a kind, loving person, the relationship just can’t survive like that. So no, you don’t have to love yourself first in order to love a person. But you do, in order to maintain a loving relationship.
Love is not all you need
Love is all you need is both a beautiful song and a beautiful idea. The idea that love conquers all. But years ago, a friend brought it to my attention that…no. Love is not “all that you need”. You can love someone and want to move heaven and earth for them. They can tell you they love you and they can even mean it. But feeling love for each other, while great, isn’t enough to sustain a connection or build a life together.
So what’s more important that love? (If we’re going to put it that way.) Well, two things, mostly. Respect and trust. Without those two things, it doesn’t matter how much love the two of you feel, you won’t be able to “go the distance”. There’s a lot wrapped up in these two simple ideas of respect and trust, but to state it very simply: if you always have to look behind your back at what your partner does when you’re not looking, you don’t trust them. You don’t feel safe in that relationship. And you can’t keep a relationship healthy long term, if you don’t feel safe in it.
So you should work on your trust issues, but in some cases, you shouldn’t trust someone. And such is the case for lack of respect. If you and your partner don’t respect each other on a base level, then the trust isn’t earned, and it’s not going to work out. Long term, you need a partner who has your back, and who you would gladly do the same for. Anything less than that, and it’s toxic. No matter how you cut it. There are different flavors of toxic, to be sure. But toxic, nonetheless. And you don’t want to live like that.
But also consider, it’s not just you who you are putting in a toxic situation. It’s the person that you care for, too. That’s not fair to them, either. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other. If you guys can’t trust and respect each other, it’s not a good relationship.
You’re actually looking for a best friend
Now, this one is a cliche, for sure. And I’m sure it’s one that I did hear from time to time growing up. But it’s worth re-iterating. For those who perhaps haven’t heard it, but also for those who have, but haven’t given it enough thought. Now, it’s clear that romantic attraction and platonic attraction are two very different things and I would never tell someone that they’re not or you should just try to date all your friends because obviously you get along well. That’s not what I’m saying.
But I’ve noticed something, about what makes a good friend. The people who are really good friends are the ones who are able to make regular boring life fun. Even just a day sat on the couch watching TV is better with a friend. Even walking down the street in cold weather is fun with a good friend. And I would venture to say the same goes for a romantic partner.
Imagine your life with your perfect partner. What does living together look like? Really imagine it and enjoy it. Now, if your fantasy included love letters on your pillow and your favorite cookies always in the cabinet and massages before bed, scrap that idea. If you have a good partner, they will give you the romance you desire, sometimes. But life is filled with a lot more quick kisses before you run out the door and wanting different things for dinner and bowls of cereal milk in the sink past noon on a Saturday. You’ll get your romance and companionship, but there’s a lot of ordinary life in between the lovely things, no matter what your life looks like. You want someone who makes the in between worth all the rest, good and bad.
Be honest about what you need (and want)
Here’s one! Don’t make the mistake of beating around the bush about what you want and need, out of life, out of a relationship, or anything! There’s a big hesitation about this, for a lot of people. We worry that we’re not enough and that we don’t deserve what we need or want. That’s not true. We worry that the people we care about may discard us if they know what we truly would like from them. And well, that might happen. But here’s the thing. You won’t know unless you ask.
Nobody can give you what you want unless they know what it is. If you don’t tell them, you’re not really giving them a chance. That’s not fair to them, and you know what? It’s not fair to you either. Because then you just have to sit there and endure. That leads to pain. That leads to emotional scars and resentment. It is not worth it.
And if they do find out what you need and say that’s too much, then you finally have your datapoint. I’d say that they’ve done you a favor, because that sets you free to look for someone who is willing to give you what you need and want. But, at the very least, at that point, the ball is in your court. You can decide to stay with them and not get what you need and feel hurt and sad and stuff, that’s your right. But you also have the right to be empowered and move on. That’s an option you didn’t really have prior to this new understanding.
However, this whole thing means you have to be honest with yourself first about what you want and need. You need to dig down deep inside and explore who you are, and be honest with yourself about your findings. It’s a gentle process that can be done more efficiently when piggybacking off of your emotional responses to life. (If something makes you upset, break it apart and figure out what’s going on inside you.) But no matter how you do it, it’s worth the trip. Knowing who and how you are will help guide you in life. Because there’s no right way to go about living, but there are definitely wrong moves for you. Knowing yourself will help you avoid many of them. If you want to find out more about your sense of self, you can check out this post about identity I wrote a while back.
Being in love is not the same as being loving
So this play a little bit off of what I was saying earlier. But the word “love” is both a feeling and a verb, it sort of depends on how you’re viewing it. You can say, “I love you”, and usually it’s a declaration of an emotion. You’re saying that you feel love for someone–which is a beautiful thing. But when we start to think of love as an action, the waters get more muddy.
Thinking of love as an action is sort of like asking, “what do you do to show love and regard for someone?” If you love someone, at some point, it might cross your mind that idly having feelings for someone is just…not enough. You want to show it, you want to be, well, loving. But we don’t always make this connection in our relationships with our loved ones. So if your partner asks you to go get them something that they could get up and get themselves, it’s easy to feel a little bit like, “well, why don’t you get it yourself?” But if, for example, you’re already up and getting something else and they’re sitting comfortably, it can be another loving action you can take, to go get them their trinket, so they don’t have to get up.
That’s one little example, but exchanges like this happen every day, all day long. And if you have a hostile attitude towards doing things for your partner, the question begs to be asked: Is “loving them” what you’re really doing? It’s hard to keep up an attitude of giving, especially when you’re tired or upset. But a relationship where both people keep an open, giving heart is a blissful one. I’m not telling you to get taken advantage of or let someone just use you. But if you know your partner loves you and cares about you and they do their best to show it, then it makes sense to do the same for them. It’s worth considering making a giving heart be one of your own personal goals and priorities in this life, if you want to be a blessing to your loved ones.
You are enough
I want to finish off with this one because it is probably the most important thing to build any relationships on in life, as a base to move forward from. You…are…enough. You are a beautiful human being with a lot to offer, no two ways about it. If you can’t see this about yourself, then do the work necessary in order for it to ring true for you. (You can find a good jumping off point here.) Now, there’s this notion that you can rate a person’s attractiveness and like, potential spouse material. But you can’t, not objectively. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, both aesthetically, as well as in terms of who you are.
I promise, there’s someone out there looking for what you’re got. To someone, you may be a two. But to somebody else, you’re a ten. There’s no accounting for differences in opinion. All this to say that there’s definitely someone out there for you–many people, in fact, because as humans, we’re good at finding the beauty in other people, even if we can’t see it in ourselves.
But this has further reaching implications than that. Once you find someone who likes you and wants to date you, insecurity will creep in sometimes. It’s inevitable. Part of being human means you’re not perfect, and most of us are all too aware of this fact. But when the insecurity creeps in, it’s important to remember that even if you can’t see your beauty in this moment, that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Your partner picked you for a reason–obviously you were enough for them. Obviously, they liked you, even if it was for things you can’t see. And they’re still with you, so they still like you and think you’re enough.
There are so many opportunities to put cracks in this logic with “what ifs” and “yeah buts”. I understand that. But going into any interpersonal situation from the place of “I’m not enough” isn’t a good thing. You sell yourself short, to both yourself and the person you care about. You’re lying, in a way, by refusing to validate your worth. Do you want to be a liar? No, probably not. So it’s time to work on seeing your own worth and beauty. Build that place from within, and good things will happen. You will perform better. You will attract kinder connections. And you will be able to build a more positive, fulfilled life. Both in love and otherwise.
Thank you!
I really hope you enjoyed this series of posts about advice for young people. If you missed one, you can find the link below to give it a read. But I just wanted to say a quick special thank you to all the people in my life who have been sharing their life stories and giving me ideas for this series. I enjoyed hearing from you all, and making ideas out of your own past lessons.
And thank you to the young people who stick around on this site, reading and thinking. You are truly the future of our world, and I just want to say that so many of us are doing our best to leave it to you in the best condition possible. We love you very much, and thank you. For being who you are, for asking questions, and for developing into wise and kind young adults.
For past links to advice for young people:
