Recently, I was looking back on my early days of having moved out of my parent’s house. I certainly wasn’t prepared for what the outside world would bring me, and the more I’ve gotten to know others who’ve done the same, the more I think that that’s pretty normal. There’s no way of me knowing what your parents have and haven’t prepared you for, but there are still many things that I would try to make sure newly independent young adults check in with. And so I want to talk to all you young people who are considering finally moving out, or who have recently done so. I have a lot of advice for you! Some is from me and my experience, and much of it is from conversations I’ve had with others about things they wish they would have been told. But I hope that as a whole, it can bring you some useful perspective.
The real world
The first thing that I want you to know is that being independent is very emotionally rewarding. Being on your own and trying to make your own way can be overwhelming, confusing, and sometimes even scary. This world isn’t built for any one specific person’s comfort, and the longer you live in it, the more you will start to realize that. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful. When you’re independent, you make your own rules and are free to pursue your life as you wish to build it. This feeling is beautiful, exciting, and even as you “get used to it”, it doesn’t stop being amazing.
So right now, the excitement and possible fear you’re feeling is justified. Embrace it, take it seriously. This is a very important time in your life, and one that you won’t soon forget. All of these things that I will be telling you next are suggestions for the framework of living within a society, as well as a home and body that has a specific structure. But this one, this very emotional point that I just mentioned is the basis for all of this. This is amazing. Congratulations. You can make the most of this.
Learn to plan ahead…and let go
Foresight is a useful and necessary part of adulting. Don’t make rash decisions. You want to favor long term gratification over short term, wherever possible, and think ahead if your plans are feasible in the first place. If you don’t, you can get in any sort of tangle of bad situations. Unemployed, evicted, in crushing debt…those are just financial things. It’s true, there’s a lot that can go wrong in life. That’s why we want to be prepared and try to make sensible decisions.
That being said, plans only go so far. They say that life is what happens while you are busy making other plans, and to a degree, I really do resonate with that. There’s no way of knowing for sure what tomorrow has in store for you. And that’s why we try to be prepared, keep money saved up, network professionally, etc. But it’s also important to keep an open mind when it comes to your idea of who you are and what your life “should” look like. Because you never know what might come for you in the future. It’s okay if life takes you in a completely different direction than you had planned for. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed, and it doesn’t mean you should just give up on all your dreams and goals, either. Just hold your plans and identity lightly. Understand that life has the ability to surprise even the most experienced, wisest people. And know that at some point, life will challenge you, confuse you, and turn your brain upside down. If you can integrate that understanding into your world view, it won’t be as frustrating when it happens.
Use your youth!
You won’t always be young. In some ways that’s good. People often take young people less seriously, and being young often comes with a sense of instability as you try to nail down who you are and what your life is going to be like. That being said, there are some really great parts about being young! Your body is likely as healthy as it’s going to be, and you have less roots keeping you in specific places. Use this time to explore the world and life and yourself! You want to live in a different state? Go out there! You fancy yourself a writer? Hop to it!
The thing about being young is that you have energy, passion, and time. Use these things to your advantage and get really serious about exploring this world and who you want to be within it. Do the things that you’ve always wanted to do, but didn’t know if they were “for you”. (You may be having trouble reconciling this “YOLO” idea and the idea of planning a future for yourself. Most of us do, not just young people. Truth is, it’s a balance. You can read about that balance here.)
If you’re in college, use your on-campus activities as opportunities to explore new aspects of yourself and meet new friends! If not, get into exploring your hometown and trying community education classes. (You may be interested in reading this post about building your identity that I posted a while back on this site. It helps outline the process by which you can start to explore yourself and the world around you in an actionable way for someone who doesn’t have unlimited opportunities and resources.)
Get yourself under control
We all have our flaws and shortcomings. On some level, that’s unavoidable. However, a lot of things can be improved about us, as humans. Try exploring yourself with therapy, meditation, and/or journaling. More self-awareness is always better than less. The more aware you are of yourself, the better you will be able to perform in life, as well as redeem yourself after making mistakes.
And the more you know about yourself, the more you will be able to improve. Once you are aware of something that you habitually do, then you can take a look at it and see if it can be improved or sometimes even eradicated altogether. You won’t be able to completely get rid of all your flaws. But the more you know about yourself, the more you’ll be able to improve.
Therapy, meditation, and journaling are all ways to gain self awareness, and also work with yourself once you have it in order to make your way towards your personal and emotional goals. I’ve written about all of them on the site previously (click here for therapy, here for meditation, and here for introduction to journaling), but the truth is, everybody’s journey with these things is completely different, and my story is really just that: one more person’s story. However, I would wholeheartedly endorse these practices for someone looking to know and master themselves. And I would suggest anyone to start that process as a young person, if possible. You will find so many things on a journey of self awareness, self improvement, and self love. And you will also see great growth overtime. It is, perhaps, one of the most productive and emotionally rewarding things you can do with your time.
When it comes to forgiveness, be wise first
There’s a lovely saying, “forgive and forget”. Beautiful, wouldn’t it be an amazing world if we all could live our lives that way? We all have our own relationship with the idea of forgiveness, relative to our personal experiences, past and present. And overall, forgiveness is a lovely thing to strive for. But that doesn’t mean it’s always the best idea–at least, not the way we usually think about forgiveness.
If someone is mistreating you, then don’t just “forgive” them and move on. Don’t make excuses for other’s bad behavior. And remember, if you never tell them how they’re hurting you, then they can’t fix it. So confront them, in a respectful way. Tell them how they’re hurting you, and if appropriate, give them a chance to fix things.
But if someone has made a habit of making the same “mistake” over and over again at your expense, don’t just keep forgiving them. At some point, it’s not a mistake anymore–it’s a pattern. And a pattern of mistreatment isn’t okay. Not to mention, it isn’t for you to forgive. Maybe someday you can forgive them for continually mistreating you, but true forgiveness can only happen when the situation has finished. Understand that it is not your job to forgive toxicity and abuse, and that it doesn’t make you a “better” person if you do.
So many people waste years on hate and resentment, and you don’t want that for yourself, but so many people have also wasted time being mistreated and making rationalizations for people who hurt them. That’s also time that you won’t get back. We all learn our lessons when it comes to forgiveness, but remember, be wise.
Keep a look out
I hope you were able to appreciate these bits and pieces of lessons and advice that were learned the hard way by too many of us through the years. If so, consider subscribing to the blog! We have new ideas all the time for how to grow, improve, and find mastery over yourself and life. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for our next post for young people that’s all about money and the things someone should tell you.
