We tell people all the time, “Oh, just be yourself!” It’s both advice and encouragement, and it’s pervasive. Especially when we’re talking to people that we like, or people who we deem impressionable. I’m no different. Even here on the Thoughts that Bind, I’ve written a piece to that effect. (You can find that here, if you’re interested. It’s a fairly quick read.) And yet today, we’re going to do the opposite–I’m going to challenge you not to be yourself. Sounds odd at first blush, right? Well, bear with me.
You may expect this piece to contradict my past piece about being yourself anyway, even if the you of tomorrow may think that it’s silly. And in a way, it does. But for the most part, not really. See, I’m all for self-exploration and expression as long as it’s not harming others (which I also mention in that piece). I also don’t think that we should go around comparing ourselves to others, trying to use them as a measuring stick. (You can read more about that in this piece about the concept of normalcy.) So you’d think the solution would be straightforward. Just be yourself. Except…no.
Don’t be yourself
I think there is this concept about being yourself that we’ve all kind of accepted over time, that being yourself is the best thing you can do, but it’s not. Everyone has flaws and limitations, obviously. But if we cling so tightly to the ideology of being ourselves, we can easily get complacent in our shortcomings. Maybe we’re lazy or selfish, but it’s okay, we’re just being ourselves.
I think this immediate problem with being yourself can be summed up with one sentence. “Don’t be yourself, be better.” You want to strive for growth and improvement, not because you don’t love yourself, but because you do. (If this is a weird sentence for you, check out this post I wrote a while back about self love vs self improvement to understand more about it.)
Being better, authentically
When we talk about being ourselves, maybe we mean being authentic instead. You can come from an authentic place and be open about yourself and your experiences without making excuses for your own shortcomings. For example, if somebody does something to make you angry with them, it isn’t inauthentic to tell them that you’re angry instead of verbally or physically attacking them. Both are an authentic expression of anger, but I would argue that (perhaps barring some extenuating circumstances) the former is a better thing to do.
If being authentic is something that you’re trying to wrap your head around, I’d suggest you read this post entitled, “How to be yourself and live authentically”. It discusses how we lose parts of ourselves, as well as our journeys back to embracing them.
I’d like to point out that wanting to be a better human can and often does come from an authentic place. If you see how your immaturity in a certain area is harming or hindering yourself, your life, or the people around you, it makes sense to want to grow and change. I don’t think we should deny ourselves the satisfaction and pride of becoming a new person in some sort of misguided attempt to preserve the image of who we once were. As I say often, you have no obligation to be who you’ve always been.
Maybe you don’t exist
Now, this is an odd, abstract thought. But the application of it is specific and important, so listen up. You…don’t really exist. At least, not in the way that you may experience yourself. We tend to think of ourselves as this solid, definable character with our traits and memories and abilities. And we pass through time with relatively stable personal narratives about ourselves: what we like and dislike, who we want to spend time with, what we’re good at, and what we’re capable of. The problem with this is that all of these things are incredibly variable.
First of all, our abilities are bound to change over time, as we hone our skills, get ill, have opportunities and accidents and new influences. Something you may have hated 5 years ago might become your new favorite thing. Heck, it doesn’t even take that long. And furthermore, as impermanent as all these things are, even how you perceive them isn’t definite. Basically, everything we understand about ourselves, others, and the world around us is just a story.
That may sound invalidating, hearing that for the first time, and I certainly don’t mean it to be. Your perception of your life, self, and experiences is valid–I want to make that clear right now. But that doesn’t make it the only way to interpret it. And it doesn’t make it the most accurate analysis, either. Now, I’ve talked about this before in this piece, but there’s something to be said for not automatically believing your thoughts. Because there’s no automatic fact checker inside your brain, and even if there was, you only know a certain amount of information about any given subject. But not all your thoughts are true. And so, it stands to reason that not all your thoughts about yourself are true either. And maybe none of your thoughts about yourself that you’ve ever had have been 100% accurate.
You aren’t yourself
What I’m trying to get at here is that you know yourself. You know what it’s like to exist as you, because you’ve been doing it every day of your life. However, yourself is something that you build, through thought and exploration. Both of which are things that you are not finished doing, because you are still alive today.
I had a major breakthrough a few years back, when I realized that I didn’t have to believe my thoughts. I was finally able to look at a thought and consider, “Is this actually helping me achieve my goals? Or is it making life harder and causing hurt?”
Over time, as I started applying this idea to my life, I found myself far happier and more at peace. This teaching truly healed me of a lot of my own nonsense. (I call it that lovingly, because there is no reason to judge yourself for not knowing better in the past.) But what I realized more recently is that a thought or perception about yourself doesn’t have to actively cause you pain to be incorrect or misguided. And when we start to strictly adhere to these scripts about who we are (and by extension, who we think we have to be in the future), we start to box ourselves in.
I don’t want to limit myself in the future, and keep myself from having a life that would be fulfilling and happy, just because I can’t fathom myself “being” any certain way. Isn’t life about exploring and experiencing? And so, for this reason I knew it was time to reflect on myself. Even though I’ve spent many years in reflection, trying to get to know and understand myself, on some level, I’ve decided to let all that go. It’s time to accept one thing about myself: that I really don’t know as much about me as I thought I did.
What this means
If this at all resonates with you, you might be wondering about the implications and applications of this idea. And I have to be honest with you, I’m not entirely sure about the ins and outs of it all. But I do know this.
I am much more powerful than I have ever given myself credit for. My identity as a person doesn’t have to be anchored on any one thing, the way that I’ve sometimes made the mistake of thinking it does. I don’t have to like something or dislike or be afraid of something else. And I don’t have to understand or condone my every thought or thought process. I can choose to pick up, start again, and be completely new. I can take on challenges and goals that seem surprising to others or myself, even if it’s just out of sudden, inexplicable interest. I don’t have to be bound by the scripts that dictated who and how I was in the past. I don’t have to be “like” anything or anyone. I don’t even have to have an identity at all, not if I don’t want.
And funny enough, when this idea hit me just right, it felt like a burden was taken off of me. One that I never knew I was carrying. And so, maybe I’ll just stay like this for a while. I don’t have to “be myself”, and neither do you. You can be yourself. You can be authentic. You can build an identity for yourself, and learn how to be who you’ve always wanted and deserve to be. But I think I’ll just be no one for now, and explore life that way.
But what about reality?
I know that I can’t escape any sort of consequences for my actions, past, or present. And I’m not trying to do so in explaining or enjoying this idea. I’m also not endorsing any sort of purposeful dissociating on my part or anyone else’s. In fact, I think trying to perpetuate one static idea of “self” does more to encourage that than anything. You see, it’s human nature to change as you learn and grow and move forward with your life. And weirdly enough, we try so hard to “be ourselves” that we start to get inauthentic, because we have one snapshot in our head of who we are.
Having one thing that you’re supposed to match up to at any given moment is stressful and unnecessary. And that’s why I’m telling you this. You don’t need to be “yourself”. Or anyone else, for that matter. Just…be. I don’t know what’s more realistic than that. Sure, strive to be better. Strive to improve and add value to your life and the lives of others. But don’t listen to that voice in your head who tells you what your “true nature” is. Especially if it’s keeping you small, helpless, or in a stagnant, painful spot. Just let it fall away and know that you are so much more than that.
And so, as impractical and unintuitive as it may seem, I’m telling you, right here and right now. Don’t be yourself.
