There have been a lot of wonderful advances in society as of this modern day. More than ever, the everyman lives an exceedingly comfortable day to day life. It is wonderful that so many people can afford to not only survive, but also have things they want- not just the things they need. And more and more we’re continuing to make advances so that these comforts are more accessible to others, socially, technologically, and logistically. This is great, and we should continue striving for that. But there is a problem.
Even though by many standards we’re more comfortable than ever before, we’re not happier on the whole. Now depression, existential dread and the like are by no means new for the human race, although our understandings of them certainly are continuing to evolve with time. But you’d think that with life getting easier, we’d be measurably happier. And yet we’re not. Why not?
Let’s talk about happiness
You see, comfort doesn’t equal happiness. Although discomfort may often bring unhappiness with it, the inverse isn’t a dependable way of achieving a more positive state of mind. That’s why they say that money can’t buy you happiness. It’s true, not having enough to get your needs met will mean that you’re constantly vigilant, scrambling for crumbs, just barely getting by. It’s hard to live happily that way. But once your basic needs are met and you don’t have to worry all the time about basic survival, the amount of emotional reward you get for extra money (or in this case, comfort) starts to level off.
Not to mention, we tend to look for happiness in the wrong places anyway. In what we’ll call modern western culture, we all talk about self care and putting yourself first. It’s important to take care of yourself, esteem yourself, and go after what you find important in life. That being said, if you’re only chasing your own happiness you’ll be hard pressed to find it. Studies show that as humans, we feel really good when we help other people. Or to put it a different way, if you want to be happy, a great way to get there is to worry about somebody else’s happiness for a bit instead of fixating on your own personal lack of it.
So if we know we can’t trust our culture to teach us how to be happy (how many unhappy people do you know in your life right now?), then I think it extends easily to our ideals about comfort, and how that intersects with happiness. We’re always looking for more comfort. We’re wired that way, after all. More comfort, more ease. We want things quick and painless, and often enough, we’re willing to take a lesser payoff if it means we get to skip the work. We long to just be comfortable and have all the nice things that we deserve. Because we’re good people, right? (Read more about good people here.) Well, it’s kind of a trap.
What’s wrong with comfort?
When we make comfort a priority in our lives, we make a lot of allowances, actually. We decide maybe it’s not so bad to let ourselves off the hook, day after day. We figure that we as individuals are very important and worthy, and sometimes that translates into “you don’t need to put in the work”. Well fine, but anything worth having takes work to acquire and maintain. You lose out on a lot once you’re convinced that putting in effort isn’t worth it.
However, that’s not the only problem. This idea of more and more starts to get our perceptions of reality pretty messed up over time. This can manifest in several ways. For example, in our physical health. We start eating more and more “treats”, because we deserve it, because we’ve been good, because we’re not going to deprive ourselves. We don’t exercise because it’s uncomfortable, and we don’t want to put ourselves through that strain. Basically, we “nice” ourselves into being sick. Or if we like buying fancy new things, we may run out of money, get into debt. Even if we don’t, we start to feel entitled to everything we want, the second we want it, just because we want it.
When comfort becomes our main concern in our life, we start to get soft. We forget what it’s like to go through real trials and tribulations. And then we become prone to meltdowns when we’re presented with the slightest inconvenience. We start to get the taste of royalty, on a peasant’s salary. When life touches you, as it inevitably will, it’s going to hurt. A lot.
Luxury, an intoxicating idea
It’s important to esteem yourself enough to know when to stand up for yourself when you’re being mistreated. Learning to love yourself and believe in yourself are some of the best concepts that have come out of modern psychology and philosophy. These ideas truly inspire and encourage people to be the best they can be and contribute to the world, and you’ll find that I’ve written about them quite a bit on this site already. (You can take a look at this and this to get you started, if you’re interested.) And the idea that we are all equally deserving of respect, love, and kindness is beautiful too. But nobody “deserves” the luxury of a king. Not even a king.
As we began to desire more and more convenience, many made it their job to provide us with it. And alongside convenience came this idea that anyone can afford a little luxury here and there. But a little luxury became a lot, and here and there seems to have become “whenever you want, maybe all the time”. It’s at the point where we’ve forgotten what luxury truly is. And not in a “I need to hear a definition of that word” way, but more of a visceral, “I’m not sure I’ve had that experience” way.
If you look back in history, sugar was a luxury. Having a warm bed, another luxury. Chilled fruit? Luxury. I can’t think of anyone in my life who sits on their couch watching Netflix at night while they eat an apple from their fridge and thinks, “how luxurious”. But to most humans throughout history, it would be. The fact is, most of us, when we think of luxury, we tend to put the concept into way over the top terms. Things that we probably couldn’t afford in our wildest dreams. If we’ve done it before? Not luxurious.
Lean in when life isn’t fabulous
So what do we do with this information? Well, although it may sound like it, I’m not telling you not to treat yourself. On the contrary, it’s important to do nice things for yourself sometimes. But you also want to get back in touch with the feeling of, “oh wow, this is truly special.” And if you become too comfortable with anything, it easily becomes mundane.
What you want to do is work on putting in the hard work, when something is worth it. Get comfortable with applying effort to work towards your goals and desires, so you don’t get so angsty when it’s necessary to do so.
And not only that, but learn to acclimate yourself to the less exciting parts of life. Contentment with what you have even in moments of discomfort or monotony opens doors for greater satisfaction in life, no matter who you are. If you can find contentment, joy often hides behind it.
Enjoying the luxuries
The flip side of things is how you handle the nice things of your life. Don’t overdo them, or expect them continually. The fact is, you’re able to enjoy this because it’s special. Because there are things in your life that provide variety, even if you don’t prefer them. Learning to strike a balance is an important skill in nearly every area of life, whether or not you’re interested in my theory of relative luxury.
Then finally, when you do give yourself a nice thing/moment/treat/whatever, learn to savor it. Be in the moment, acknowledge the pleasure it is giving you, and be appreciative of that with all your attention, instead of looking for the next hit of luxury. Check in with yourself, how you’re feeling. Is this what you were looking for? Is it a rewarding feeling? And let yourself get in line with the gratitude for your pleasures that lives in your heart. Let yourself fully enjoy and appreciate the little luxuries that you can afford while you have them, in order to truly get the full effect. Otherwise, nothing may ever be enough if you’re not fully there to take it in.
You do deserve luxury, just as much as anyone else. But be sure you remember just what luxury actually is. And if you truly want to be able to enjoy it, learn to practice both mindfulness and gratitude in conjunction with hard work. There is a balance to be struck. One that leads you to fulfillment as well as a life full of beautiful memories.
