“I’m so jealous of people who can just cut someone out of their life without a second thought.” I read this online somewhere, and it struck a chord with me. So today, I thought I’d examine this topic more closely.
I think when it comes to pushing someone out of your life, people fall into two groups. There are those who easily cut ties and contact, sometimes even rashly. And then there are others who give chance after chance, watching idly by as people stomp on their boundaries and take advantage of them. Now, if you’re lucky, you’re somewhere in the middle, not struggling either way. Though most of us have a propensity one way or another.
Boundaries
I’ve talked about boundaries before on this site. (You can find the discussion about boundaries here, and a post outlining the difference between triggers and boundaries here.) But essentially, when we talk about boundaries, we’re assuming that you’ve already established how you would like to be treated. You need to listen to your own emotional needs when it comes to boundaries, as well as look at the validity of what you are expecting. (I’ve written about the expectations we have for others here, if you want to look into that topic.)
It’s also your responsibility to communicate your boundaries to the people who are close to you, so that they have a chance to interact with you on your own terms. Although our boundaries may seem self-explanatory to us, they are not often universal. And you may run into a situation where someone hurts you in a way that is unforgivable, even though they didn’t know, that’s how life goes sometimes. But it isn’t rational to blame somebody for something they had no way of knowing.
Cut them out (the philosophy)
So when you come to a fork in the road with somebody, and they show a disregard for you and how you want to be treated, there is a rising movement of people who say, “just drop all communication with them. If they don’t want to interact with you on your terms, then they don’t deserve a place in your life.” I think this comes from a good place, for many people who will say it.
We’ve come from a long history of people accepting atrocities. Victims of crimes being told that they’re at fault, and that they should be kinder and more understanding to perpetrators. And because of this, we’re at the point where it’s time for the pendulum to swing back a bit. It’s time for people to have a sense of personal agency, and take hold of their own lives instead of being victims who are victims of victims (you get the picture).
We need to learn that you should be respectful to others, but that you deserve respect, too. I’m talking to you. You deserve to be respected in your life. As you grow up, become more mature, and start making your own decisions in your life, you also have the right to decide who you want in it, and on what basis. That doesn’t mean you can ever hope to control what people do. But you can control their access to you and your life.
Bad feelings
For the ones who have a hard time letting people go, there comes a fair amount of guilt with the practice, at least initially. You feel like, “who am I to decide this person isn’t good for me?” Or, “Am I being judgemental for not wanting to have them in my space? Shouldn’t I be more understanding?” When the guilt sets in, it’s important to have an honest check-in with yourself. Where is this guilt feeling coming from? What were your motivations? And do you feel like this is guilt or shame? (To hear more about guilt and shame, look here, here and here.)
But other than that, its important to realize that you have a right to curate your life. Realize that as many bad feelings you may have about the subject, if someone is hurting you repeatedly, there is no reason that you have to tolerate it. And that it won’t make you a better person if you do endure such mistreatment.
How far do boundaries go
There are also people, however who may take this idea “too far”. It’s not that having respect for yourself is ever a bad thing. But self-respect is only one piece of the puzzle. There’s a certain pluckiness that comes along with standing up for yourself, and that can come in large doses. Mix that with the rush of empowerment you feel when you finally manage to cut ties with someone, and it can get almost intoxicating. Or become quite a habit. And when this happens, some people may find themselves prone to hit the destruct button quite early on in a relationship, even with the absence of any red flags. Not to mention, an absence of communication.
What happens is that even with the slightest provocation, these people will withdraw, sometimes completely and forever. They tell themselves they are keeping themselves safe. Safe from being hurt, from being taken advantage of. And they are. But they are also keeping themselves insulated from the reality of close bonds.
The truth is, the closer you get to someone, the more likely they are to hurt your feelings at some point down the line. That’s humanity. No matter who you are or how good your intentions are, you’re bound to make mistakes. And there are bound to be times when you disagree with your partner or family or friends. If you push the eject button at any sign of conflict, you’re going to lose track of a lot of good, kind-hearted people that way. People who truly care about you, and often would have been willing to work with you to find a way to meet in the middle or correct themselves in order to make you more comfortable. And often enough, you will end up pretty lonely, with no one to call when you need someone to talk to.
So what do I do?
I’m not comfortable advocating for total and immediate forgiveness and letting things go. Just like I’m also not going to tell you to “just cut them out” automatically, either. The fact is that every situation is different, and every person is different. What might be unbearable to me might be easily overlooked for you. Though I know how much it seems like it would just be easier to have someone to tell you how to do things. No, this is going to have to be your decision. But there are some things I suggest you think about first.
- Do you have the propensity to give too many chances, or to cut things off too quickly?
- Have you identified what your boundary is? (If not, do so.)
- Have you communicated your perspective to the person clearly already?
- Does the person show a pattern of disrespect towards you or to others in this area?
- Do you really want to cut them out fully or would distancing yourself do the trick?
With these things in mind, you will be on your way to making an informed decision that’s best for you. There is no one size fits all solution, and often, neither of the extremes will suit the situation anyway.
Don’t be afraid to get creative when it comes to finding a situation that will work for your life, even if it’s not what some random person on the internet would suggest. Instead, try to find a healthy solution that fosters genuine connections and personal growth. Remember that going no contact with someone who was once a big part of your life can be stressful or exhausting, but that sometimes it’s the right thing do, for you and even for them. Remember that you have a right to decide who is in your life, and to what degree you hold them close. And remember that this is your choice. That only you can decide what’s right for yourself. And that you have the ability to do so, when you set your mind to it.
