I’ll be honest, when people talk about double standards, they’re usually bad. In fact, pretty much always bad. It’s not fair for society to expect one thing of one person, but then when someone else fulfills the same ideals, criticize them for it. But I realized something the other day—double standards aren’t always bad.
I think whether or not double standards are good or acceptable really depends on the context. Maybe it’s even more complex than I’ve imagined, but just now I want to highlight something: a double standard that you only apply to yourself.
Acceptable double standard
What I’m saying is that maybe we should entertain double standards sometimes—not from others, but from ourselves. And I think a lot of us already do this without realizing it.
If you decide you’re going to work really hard on yourself, but you accept that other people aren’t going to, and you’re fine with that, in a way, that’s a double standard. But a positive one. Because it not only encourages you to work on yourself, but also it allows you to be compassionate and easy going for others who don’t have the resources or desire to do the same. Expecting more of yourself than you do of others seems to be the way to go, if at all possible.
What’s the deal?
It’s pretty common, when we try to improve ourselves and our lives, to want others to do the same. (Others start to take that into an expectation, even.) We’re social animals and love to have support and belonging amongst our various groups. But even more than that, when you see yourself making good progress, it’s natural to want that for the people you care about too— especially if you feel that this new habit or practice really has transformed your life.
We’ve talked about expectations of others before on this site (which you can find here), but the fact is, you can’t take people with you on your path. It just doesn’t work. When we see that, it can be hard to come to terms with. We start to butt heads with people we care about (read this if you want to hear more about coexisting with people who are on different paths than you), or we might just drop everything that we worked toward and find important. Because we feel lonely and want to fit in. Or because we feel like there’s no point if we have to do it on our own.
But the solution to this is to really implement a hard double standard in our heads. “This is what I expect of me.” “I’m holding myself to a different standard.” This is the only way to sustain this important change in life for you. Some people are able to do this automatically, but for those of us who have a dwindling sense of confidence or identity, a little more work is required to keep it stuck in your head.
“You think you’re better than us, don’t you?”
Although there may be people who perceive it this way, you setting up a different standard for yourself doesn’t mean you think you’re better than anybody. It just means you want something different out of your life, and you’re willing to work for it. Not better, just different. There is a distinction there.
Everything in life is a cost vs benefit decision, even if we don’t consciously view it that way. We decide that something (or someone, for that matter) is worth the effort of maintenance…or not. And everyone has to come to their own decision over what is and isn’t worth it. So if you’re questioning “do I think I’m better than other people?” Well, that’s a question worth asking. But it’s alright if the answer is, “No. I just think this is worth it.”
How to implement this perspective
So if you’re still here, you’re probably thinking, “yeah, okay, great. Different standard for myself than others. But how do I make that stick?” And well, I’m going to be honest. It can be tough. But essentially, what you have to do is work on your sense of self. If you’re starting a new lifestyle or habit, it’s a real barrier emotionally to think of yourself as “not that kind of person”. Maybe you come from a family that never cared about health, and continually mocked “health nuts” for being so particular. If you feel community and identity in this area, deciding to start eating more healthfully may prove to be a real struggle.
You can find people who care about the same things you do, either in real life or online. If you’re able to join a community of like minded people, it’ll be much easier to feel supported in your decision.
But the other thing is, you want to learn to break down the previous identity or sense of self you had surrounding the old habit in the first place. This might make you chuckle, but you don’t have to be anyone you don’t want to be. Take a second to really sit with that. You can be whoever you want to be—or rather, you can become whoever you want to become, as long as you’re willing to put in the time and effort.
If you’re looking to find out more about personal identity, go read this post to get started. It discusses how we develop our identities, and how to build new ones. But the point is that you have the ability to start walking away from anything right now. And the longer you keep going, the further away you’ll get. I promise. You just have to get your sea legs first.
Give it a shot
I encourage you to really lean into a good double standard. Have high hopes and expectations for yourself! That’s the only way you’re going to be able to achieve things in life. But if people don’t want what you want for their lives, it’s okay. Love them where they’re at, and don’t use it as an excuse for why you should fall short of who you’re looking to be. Some people aren’t interested. Some people aren’t able. That doesn’t mean you can’t reach for what you want and need.
