I’ve written a lot about different topics over the years on this site. Most of them have transformed my life in one way or another, and that is why I share them. (And why I consider them worth sharing to begin with.) But there are some topics that I know in my heart that I want to address, but hold off on. I know I’m not an expert, on anything really. But if I’m going to write a post on a topic, it has to be something that I’ve at least made some headway on, and if it’s a technique, then it has to be something that I’ve seen help or work, at least on someone if not myself.
All this to say that I’ve been waiting on this idea of believing in yourself to become a post on The Thoughts that Bind. Until recently, I really hadn’t thought it over much, how I see it affecting myself and the people that I know in my daily life. And I had very few ideas as to how to combat having a lack of personal confidence. I’ve learned how to practice loving myself. How to challenge my initial self-hatred. But believing in myself? Well, that’s a whole new step. But due to some recent realizations, I’m breaking that silence about the topic now.
Like self-love
If you want to hear more about self love, then you can go look at my post discussing exactly that by clicking here. But in the post, I explain how learning to love yourself is really a journey, and walk you through some of the intricate steps that the journey entails. Essentially, you need to start by doubting your thoughts of self-hatred. Then once you’ve got that doubt in there, you can start trying to replace them with more realistic and helpful thoughts of self-respect, and general encouragement. You can learn to be nicer to yourself with your own internal monologue. It’s work, but you can learn.
And the other aspect of the self-love journey is within your actions. You practice behaviors to be kind to yourself, and minimize the ones that are harmful to you. You start building a habit of taking care of yourself, and treating yourself with respect. Not because it’s easy, but because it becomes easier once you build the habit. And it hit me funny recently, but I figure that believing in yourself is the same way.
Believing in yourself: a gameplan
If you’re noticing that it’s always your first instinct to doubt yourself (your abilities, your talents, and your worth), then I challenge you to work on it, alongside the many of us who are actively working on it. Because life is hard enough without having to fight yourself before you reach for what you’re worth. Not believing in yourself isn’t just miserable. It actively works against you every single day. How many things have you almost not done and achieved because you were worried you might not be good enough or capable enough? How many things have you wanted but didn’t even ask for–or even let yourself realize–just because of these negative beliefs? In short, how much life do you think you’ve already missed because of this? If it’s deeply entrenched in you, I’m betting it’s a lot. I know it has been for me, and you know what? I’m sick of it.
Doubt your thoughts
So if we’re going to approach this just like self-love, we’ve got to start off with our thoughts. Or more specifically, creating that room between our thinking and our believing what we’re thinking. (If you want to hear more on that subject, take a look at this post I wrote a while back called Believing your thoughts: my two cents.) We want to start looking out for those nasty things we say about ourselves that fill us with fear and self-doubt. Anytime you start to hear it crop up in your head “oh, you wouldn’t be able to pull that off”, “you’re not good enough to have this thing that would make you happy”, or whatever it is that paralyzes you from going after what you want, catch it. Notice it.
When you do manage to catch your thought, at least in the beginning, chances are you already believe it. So the thing you want to do is just ask yourself the question, “what if it’s not true?” Just, whenever you hear something come up. “What if I actually can do this?” Or even just assert to yourself, “Maybe that’s not true.” Do this as often as you can. Catch a thought, and create space and doubt. That’s the first step.
Practicing self-belief
An important part of my self-love journey was when I learned that I could practice self-love without actually having it. I asked myself repeatedly, (often when I was feeling the worst about myself) “If I was someone who loved myself, what would I do?” I started expecting myself to come up with some sort of answer. And then, when I was able to envision what that might look like, I did it. I decided that I could do this now, and then maybe the feelings would follow later. I just didn’t want to treat myself with hatred anymore. And now I’m asking you to do the same thing with self-confidence.
If you believed in your own abilities, what would you be doing right now? What would you be working toward, and what would you create? Really think this through, what are you currently holding yourself back from because you’re scared you might not be enough? And then, you’re going to need to do something incredibly brave. Try.
I’m not telling you to take crazy risks. But there are opportunities that you may be avoiding (or not even letting yourself see!) that are right in front of your nose. And there are boundless ways to explore and create within our world. You may not be great at first, like the mean ol’ voice in your head says. But the only way to get good is by being bad first. You’ve got to practice your skills, your craft, your goals, in order to get there. And as you improve it’ll help you show yourself that you are, in fact, worth believing in.
Building new thoughts
As I said, you’re trying to dismantle the old thoughts, or at least put a stutter in their step. And then, as you start practicing going through the motions of what a person with self-belief would do, you’ll start getting more confidence. But it’s also worth taking a proactive mental approach alongside this process.
One way of going about building self-confidence is by reflecting on all the times that you’ve been able to overcome your fears and accomplish something in the past. Just spend a little time reminiscing on your achievements. Don’t rationalize them away and tell yourself they were no big deal. Instead, remember how hard you had to work to do these things, and how much growth you went through. The more you remember these things, the more you’ll realize what a strong and capable person you actually are.
If you mix the trip down memory lane, with new input from current, manageable goals, and stay diligent with your negative thoughts about yourself, you’ll find that you become more confident, and thus, even more capable in time. And that will lead you to more confidence in turn. What a perfect cycle, right?
You can do it!
I think you can learn to believe in yourself. Not just a little bit, or sometimes. But completely. I think you can learn to believe in yourself, love yourself, and invest in yourself. Just like anyone else. It’s going to take time and effort, that’s true. But it’s worth it. It’s like taking training wheels off a bike and actually riding. The sense of peace and freedom is something within your reach, and you deserve it!
If you’ve had some success in the self love or self confidence journey, feel free to share your story in the comments below, or by emailing the blog at thethoughtsthatbind@gmail.com. One of the things I love about you all is that we all have something to teach. I absolutely love hearing your stories and personal triumphs!
