I want you to sit down for a moment. Now, take a deep breath and remember a time when you felt truly at peace, happy, or excited. You can even close your eyes if you want. Really get into the memory. What were you seeing? Feeling? What about who you were with? Was it hot outside? Try to work up a really vivid memory. And once you have open your eyes.
Come back into the present moment, take a look around the room, take another deep breath. How are you feeling right now, as you return to your life? Reminiscing can make us feel all sorts of different things. And that’s why we have to approach it cautiously.
Reminiscing on negativity
I’ve written a short piece on what happens when you constantly look back at your problems, looking for the perfect answer. If you want to read that, you can find it here. But the problem with thinking about the negative past is that A) you are attempting to prepare yourself for an unlikely future, but also B) you are wallowing in your sadness.
If you keep your old problems alive past their expiration date then you’re making new problems for your future. And if you’re doing it because you feel guilty about who you used to be, then that’s an important healing journey for you. Because nobody expects you to carry that with you. (Well, very few people.) And more importantly, you can’t guilt yourself into feeling bad enough so that your past mistakes didn’t do anyone harm. If you’re looking for your healing journey past your guilt, I would suggest you take a look at a post I wrote a while back about being embarrassed about your past, which you can find here. And whether you are on the side of former villain or former victim, if you’re having trouble letting go of an old role or problem or slight, give my recent post about letting go a read. (Find that here.)
Positive reminiscing still feels bad
So at this point, if you felt bad in the beginning when you were thinking about a positive memory, you might be wondering “what gives?” I mean, I didn’t tell you to look back on sadness, pain, or anxiety of any sort, so why do you feel so crummy right now?
This is something that a lot of people really don’t talk about, at least not in my experience. You’d think that if you only look back on the happy memories, then you’d be the happiest person in the world. But that’s weirdly not how it works. It’s like if you see someone else with a treat that you really like, but you don’t have one. You can think about how nice and tasty it is all you want (which is a happy thing, right?), but it leaves you feeling a bit off. Because you don’t have it. And you want it.
A lot of times, we turn to reminiscing as a way to fill a void in our lives. We feel that maybe things aren’t going so well right now for us, and we look back on what used to be as a way to quench our thirst for good times. But just like watching someone else eat a cupcake, that’s not fulfilling. So it’s not just about whether or not you’re thinking about happy memories. It’s also about when you’re thinking about them. And when you feel like you’re in a slump, you’re probably better off thinking about how good things might be in the future than how good they used to be in the past. That way, you won’t be highlighting something you know you can’t get back.
Good reminiscing
So with all of these negative paths reminiscing can go down, It’s natural to wonder what a good way of using it really could be. It’s simple. “Good” reminiscing leaves you feeling good. It makes you feel like you’re a part of something bigger, or like your life has a sense of personal journey or like a plot in a story. It lets you be proud of how far you’ve come and what you’ve gone through.
In this way, it doesn’t even have to be a positive or negative memory- it’s all about how you frame it. If you’re using your mistakes as a backdrop for how much you’ve grown since then, looking back on them isn’t going to bother you as much as if you’re looking at them as something to have to rationalize to be okay in the present. And if you look at your happy past as a setup for your happy present and probable happy future, then you’re not going to long for it like you did a second ago. It truly is all about perspective.
Shifting perspective
However, there are going to be times when shifting your perspective on the past is hard. We all spend our waking moments telling ourselves stories about who we are and where we came from, and they’re not always helpful narratives. So what do you do if you want to change your perspective about the past?
Well, I’ve found that for me, a backwards approach tends to work best. In other words, the way to feel better about the past is to change how you feel about the present. About yourself and your life. That way, when you look back, you have a new lens to look through.
If you’re ashamed about who you used to be and what you used to do, work on bettering yourself so that you never have to be that person again. The more progress you see yourself making, the easier it is to get emotionally far away from. Not to mention your brain will be able to see it as a learning curve instead of just who you are and will always return to being.
And if looking back on the happy times makes you sad, then take a good hard look at your life. Do you feel like you’re working towards important and fun things? Do you feel like the years are just passing you by? Well, it’s time to get off your phone and start making things happen! Try new things that you may not like. Go on silly adventures and have new experiences. I promise you, you have not tried everything there is to try. And be in the moment, even in the boring parts. Because sometimes even the littlest, most “unimportant” things make for the most fulfilling parts of life. Once you’re actively making new and weird memories, the old times will just remind you of how full of life you can be. And that is a true blessing.
Make memories and reminisce
So make new memories whenever you can, Treasure each moment for the gift it is, and each person for the mystery that they truly are (a whole separate world of intimate thoughts and feelings different from your own, wow!), because when you’re really sitting in it, being active, life is beautiful. And you never know when the last time will be for this experience.
And when you can’t make new memories. When you’re tired or sick or you need to wait on someone else, sure, reminisce. They’re your memories, you’ve earned them. But remember to frame them carefully, and ground them in the necessary perspective in order to make it a pleasant experience that builds you up instead of knocking you down from the inside out.
