A while back, I wrote about a post entitled “I’m embarrassed about my past (dealing with shame and guilt)”. And if you haven’t read that one, or don’t remember it, I suggest you check it out because it’s a good one. (You can find it here.) But I wanted to pick up from there today, because after that, you may still be wondering, “Okay, but why is it I feel so ashamed?” And that is a really good point.
The short answer to that question is, “well, I don’t know. Why are you?” But that’s kinda trite. So we need to dig deeper here. To begin with, You really don’t need to be, not anymore. As I’ve said all over the place, if you’re turning over a new leaf, you don’t need to sit around, embarrassed about the old one. It’s pointless and counterproductive. But even more so, there’s no reason to be so ashamed in the first place. You’re human. You’ve made mistakes just like anyone else. And if you’re trying to be a better person now, that’s the most admirable thing anyone can possibly do. You don’t need to try to justify who you were in order to become who you want to be. So let go of this notion, if you can, that you “should be ashamed of yourself.”
Where do we get our shame?
But you want to know where you’ve picked up this shame. Although everyone’s emotional wounds are different, the starting point is consistent. We’re not born with shame, we’re taught it. Maybe it was your parents, religion, peers, society, who knows? But at some point, you were taught that something about you (or everything, even) was wrong. That you aren’t enough. That you should hide your true self. And that was wrong. You were mislead in taking that burden on, the person (or people) was wrong to put that on you, and the concept is just factually wrong.
The kindest version of yourself is never something to be ashamed of. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, who you are is always enough, always beautiful, and always something to be cherished.
We’re all victims of this sort of external shaming–some more than others. And we do it to each other too, sometimes without even realizing it. We do it when we’re feeling insecure and afraid. Sometimes we think we’re protecting each other. And I think that’s something to remember, because often, the person who shamed you to begin with, thought they were protecting you, by getting you to hide from people who might want to hurt you for who you are. (This is especially true in the case of parents.) But now that you are grown, you can decide ultimately what you take in as your truth, and your self image. You can reject this external shaming. (You can get a headstart on your self-love journey by reading this.)
Okay, but what about guilt?
Now, guilt and shame are two different things. Guilt is when you’ve done something wrong, and you feel bad about it. (Unlike shame, which happens when you’ve done nothing wrong, but believe that you are something bad.) It is a normal response to your mistakes, especially those that end up hurting others. Guilt, while a normal and healthy emotion, can also go too far though, and lead to shame, which is unhealthy, as well as unhelpful to those that you hurt.
If you’re feeling guilt because of your past mistakes, you need to do what you can to make it right. Apologize to the ones you hurt, and ask them what you can do to help them heal. Then do as they ask, if it is within your power. Doing what you can to make things right is the best way to be rid of your guilt. (If you don’t quite know how to go about apologizing, you can refer back to a recent post on this site about how to apologize, which you can find by clicking here.)
moving forward
Sometimes you don’t get that kind of closure. Either the person you’ve wronged wants nothing to do with you, or you lose them to life circumstances. When this happens, it’s a lot harder to move on, because there’s not really a way to make a grand gesture in hopes of fading their frown. But you need to learn to let go. In this case, the damage has been done, and there’s nothing you can do to repair it. Focus on learning the most you can from the situation, and putting good out into the world going forward. Make a commitment to yourself, and to the world, to improve from here on out. If you’re stuck with letting things go, take a look at my post entitled “When (and how) to finally let go” that I posted last week.
Releasing shame
When it comes to releasing our sense of undue personal shame, it is a bit of a task. Just like learning to love ourselves, it’s a journey we must commit ourselves to in order to make any real progress. But when it comes to releasing our shame, the journey itself is a little bit different.
What do you believe?
The first and most important thing you’re going to need to do is to get in touch with your current beliefs, goals, and values. You want to really get a deep understanding of who you are, what is important to you, what you think is right and wrong, and how you want to live your life. And write them down so you can look back at them later! (You can read more about this exercise here.) If you’re having a hard time sorting through what values are yours and what ones have been forced onto you, try thinking back to when you developed that idea, and where. Often, remembering the scenario that your belief developed from can help you remember how you felt about it then, and if you were motivated by true agreement, or more of a sort of coercive concern. A belief that was forced upon you with threats of shame about who you are is not one that is truly yours, and not one you should be clamoring to keep.
stick to your values
The second part of this transformation, which is the journey part instead of an exercise, is simply this: Once you’ve gotten really honest with yourself and dug through the roots of your priorities and values, that’s a roadmap. Whenever you start feeling ashamed about who you are and what you need and want out of life, check back in with your roadmap. Are you on track with who you want to be? Remind yourself, as often as you need to, that you’re the one who’s going to have to live with yourself and your decisions the rest of your life. If someone else doesn’t like it, that’s fine. As long as you like who you are and who you’re becoming and you’re not causing harm. When you keep checking in with yourself in this way, it gets easier overtime. You’re more in touch with yourself as an individual, and you’re more used to prioritizing your life in your life. It takes a while to detangle yourself and your identity from shame, but with time, effort, and patience, it is possible.
