Maybe you were hurt by someone a while ago. Or you fell in love and it was never reciprocated. Or you had this dream for so long but you just can’t make it work. We’re talking about it today–letting go. It’s a heavy, but important topic that we don’t talk about often enough.
I’ve been skirting the edges of this topic for a long time, wondering how to approach it here on the Thoughts that Bind. I wanted to do it justice, because as I said, it is so important to talk about, but also because I feel like even when we do talk about letting go, it often turns into a trite conversation really quickly. And I don’t think that’s intentional. It’s just that before you let something go, it seems nearly impossible. And then once you do, you feel so much better that it seems like a no-brainer. You can almost forget why it was so hard in the first place. I’m going to try and give you all better than that, because you deserve it.
Why let go?
When you’re so overcome by something that it takes over your life, whether in focus or emotion, it can be really hard to see why you should let it go, because it’s become such a big thing for you. Obviously, it’s really important or else it wouldn’t have taken over your experience like this. That feeling makes it sometimes hurtful when people suggest that you move forward in your life.
The problem is, when something does take up your life like this, it eclipses everything else that you would otherwise find important. So it’s not even that you’re making this into something bigger than it is, but you’re not able to clearly see all the other things that you care about, humming along in the background. Now this makes sense when it comes to priorities and goals. If you’ve got a very specific track you’re on, you need that level of focus. But when it’s clear that this isn’t going to work, or when it gets co-opted by your sense of betrayal and hurt, then it becomes a problem.
If you get too stuck in this, your life becomes taken over by feelings of frustration, shame, despair, and general grief. And at some point, you realize that if you want to live a full life, you’re going to need to separate yourself from this pain, or at least from the overbearingness of it. It’s not about whether or not you “should” let go. It’s more like if you realize that you want and need it for yourself.
When should I give it up?
So if you’re considering giving up on an old grudge or pain or even dream, then it might already be time. For all these things, you need to be ready for it. You need to have decided for yourself that it’s time to be free of them, nobody else can do it for you or it won’t work. But if you’re maybe not ready yet, but you know you will want to some day, the big determining factor is really your own sense of its usefulness.
If you’ve really thought through the situation and how you want your life to be, and you realize that these two things can’t coexist, then you have your answer. If you want something (like to achieve your goal or get closure) but you know now, for a fact, that you can’t make it happen, then again, there’s your answer.
Once you’ve gotten the call to let go of something, accept it. Let it sink in, and let yourself go through the emotions that it elicits. Sometimes it will be really sad, like a whole new level of the grief you’ve already been feeling. And that’s okay. Let yourself sit there for a second, and let your emotions come out. Come to terms with what you’re giving up, and also, what you’ll be gaining by doing so.
Okay, time to actually let go
Don’t force yourself to let go before you’re ready. But once you know what this means to and for you and you’ve mourned your loss so to speak, it’s time to begin to let go. Now, there are different processes for every kind of letting go, but we’re being general today. (If you’re dealing with letting go in the specific form of forgiveness, I recommend giving this post a read, followed by this one.)
First thing to realize is that letting go isn’t something that happens in one moment of clarity and then you’re moving forward effortlessly with your new life. No, letting go is a continual choice, in the moment, to make something new instead of digging up the same old thing. When your old thing comes up again, take a deep breath and gently say no to it. You can be thankful for all it gave you and that it got you to where you are today, but remind yourself that you’ve decided to move forward with your life. Think about why, and remember that as much as you genuinely were invested in this, you’ve decided to go a new way. A brighter way that makes the life you want to live possible.
And while you’re in this moment, of remembering why you want to change and what you’re giving up, it’s going to probably still hurt a bit. If you can keep perspective through it anyway though, you’ll find you have the strength overtime to commit yourself to your new way of being.
What happens next?
Once you’ve let go of something that was a big deal for you, you may experience sort of an emptiness. Even if it was a negative thing you let go of, it still served a place in your life. In the beginning I recommend just letting that emptiness be, and experiencing it for what it is. Not to torture you or anything, but more of a slow and steady approach. If you try to fill it too quickly with other things, you can find yourself easily going down some toxic paths, or in general, subscribing to ideas that you otherwise wouldn’t have, just to fill a void. Then you’ll have something else to let go of later, just making it an unfortunate cycle.
But eventually, you may want to fill the old space with something new, if the other parts of your life don’t rise up to fill that importance slot. If this is you right now, I’d consider checking out my piece on learning to dream again after tragedy (which you can find here), and my recent post discussing personal identity and how to build it (click here for that one.)
Personal note
I’m really proud of you. For realizing you’re going to need to let go for yourself. It’s one of those topics that everyone has their own opinion on when it comes to your life, and while you can take their advice into account, you need to either do it or not do it for you. Don’t let someone tell you what your life is supposed to look like. Go out and create your own. If you heal, do it for you. If you get a new dream, do it for you. There are no timelines and rules to this life. Only relationships, consequences, connections and regrets. So please, carve your existence into something that you can be proud of and inspired by. That’s what really matters.
