Today we want to look into the question, “Who am I?” And not just scratch the surface, but really try to dig in and figure out what’s going on with you, who you’ve been, and who you’re becoming.
Now, when it comes to having a sense of identity and individuality, some of us really tend to struggle. Some of us don’t develop an identity at all, and just sort of float through life on a whim, blending in with our surroundings. Others try to form an identity based off of what their family, friends and peers seem to want from them. Others start building up a sense of self on their own, but in all the wrong places. And it’s funny that so many of us struggle with this, because we know in our heads that we’re all individuals. We see everyone as a distinct person to get to know…except often, ourselves! We ask ourselves, “who am I? Why don’t I have my life figured out yet? Why don’t I have myself figured out yet?”
I think it’s important to keep in mind that you’re really not alone. There are so many unique souls who you haven’t met yet! Not because you haven’t been introduced, but because they don’t live as their true authentic self, for whatever reason. Sometimes, remembering that can make me kinda sad inside. But all we can really do about it is try to live as authentically as we can, in hopes that it may inspire others to want to do the same. This is the only way to build a more beautiful, talented, and diverse world. To nurture that side of yourself and by extension, encourage it in others. So how do we do this? Well, first we need to start off with getting rid of some things.
Expectations of others
I recently wrote a piece about our expectations of other people, and how we ask for things they’re just not capable of giving us. (It’s a short read, which you can find here, if you’re interested.) But that also applies in reverse. Over the years, we’ve had so many people ask things of us that are in opposition to our values, abilities, and honestly who we are as people. Now, some of us look at those things and scoff, but others don’t. Instead, they may try to fill that gap, by taking on a new identity overtime. One that fulfills the whims of the people who have been close to them over the years.
This doesn’t happen right away, either. But slowly, over time, ignoring who you are and your own values, needs and goals, wears away at who you once were. In some cases, this causes emotional resentment or a breakdown, and in others, it can turn you into someone you don’t even recognize.
If this is something you’re struggling with, there are two things I’d like you to consider deeply. First of all, not everyone is aware or considerate of your individuality as a person. They either don’t know you well, or they do but they just don’t think that tailoring what they want to who they’re interacting with is a worthwhile use of their time. And because of this, people are going to ask you for things that you are not interested in. Things that you may never in a million years want to do or be a part of. This isn’t inherently disrespect on their part, either.
But the second thing is that you need to learn the word, “No”. It is your responsibility to say no to opportunities that conflict what you want for yourself. You need to develop that strong core that you can trust when you have that initial feeling of, “oh, that’s not for me”. Trying new things is good, but trying to live as someone you’re not in order to appease other people really isn’t. And you might be saying, “well, I don’t really know who I am yet”. And that’s fine, that’s probably why you’re reading this to begin with. But even you know what I’m talking about.
When someone gives you an opportunity that you really don’t want to say yes to, because you know you don’t want to do it. But they seem so excited and it would make them so happy to have you do this. And then you say “yes” anyway, even though you don’t want to. This isn’t a big deal when we’re talking about a one-off thing, or you have nothing better to do. But over time, making a habit out of saying yes to things you don’t want to do can grow into a big problem. You can find yourself very “off-track” (so to speak) in just a few years of this. You choose a certain career to please your parents, break up your best romantic partnership because of what your brother said, pick up an annoying hobby with a friend just so you can spend more time together. That’s just three decisions, but all of a sudden your whole life changed.
It’s good to take into account the opinions of people that care about us. But you shouldn’t take their word as gospel for your own life. If you want to hear more about saying no (and the flipside, of saying yes as well), you can read this post I wrote a while back about that very thing. Because nobody can dictate what opportunities you take onboard, but it’s up to you to find a happy balance overall.
Identity in the wrong places
There is another bit about developing an identity that’s not true to you, which is someone who puts too much stock into specific things. For example, someone who has just taken up knitting and now they’re a “Knitter” (yes, capital K). Now they spend all their time researching new things to knit. They go to the craft store every day for new yarn. And they really don’t want to talk about anything else- regardless of where they are, or who they’re with. Now, I don’t actually know of anyone who has gotten into this kind of an obsession with knitting and being a person who knits, but it there are all sorts of people who do that about other things.
When one aspect of what you do or enjoy eclipses your whole sense of self, for whatever reason, that’s not healthy. Even if it’s a “good thing” like knitting gloves for the homeless or eating healthy. You are bigger than this one aspect of who you are. You are a whole person, who goes throughout various different seasons and stages in life. As a person, you’re so much more versatile than one issue, one identity, one flavor. It’s good to take pride in what you enjoy, especially if that thing is good for the world at large. But regardless of what that thing is, I promise you there are more sides to you than that.
Why do we obsess?
I think a lot of us get caught up in one thing to fit in with our peers. If this is the case for you, (“everyone’s doing” something) that doesn’t mean you can’t try it in most cases. Just understand that they are also full, dynamic people (even if they don’t realize it,) and there are other things to bond with them on.
The other reason that people will frequently do this sort of thing is they’ll use it as a distraction from their life. Sometimes they’re going through a lot, or sometimes they’re just uncomfortable getting to know themselves. If this is happening with someone you observe, it’s okay to try to have conversations about other things. If it’s someone you know well, you can encourage them to embrace other aspects of themselves and their life (ones that are more positive). It’s also okay to just be there for them. To make sure they know that you’re always there for them if they need anything. (And wait while whatever their obsession is dies down a bit, in the meantime.)
And if this is you, understand that obsessing over one thing…it won’t make the other stuff go away. Whatever it is that you’re really loving right now, it’s fine, like that thing. But challenge yourself to dig a little deeper. Let the rest of yourself (who is struggling or unsure) be seen periodically. Just inside yourself. Because obsessions come and go, but you’re going to have to live with yourself forever.
I don’t have an identity
So these sorts of false identities built by shame, persuasion, fear, and distraction need to be chipped away at if we’re going to find and embrace our true selves. But once we’ve done that (or maybe you started at this place), what do we do? How do we find out who we really are? Well, if you ask me, this is the beginning of a beautiful journey. As life goes by, you’re going to learn and discover more things about the world and yourself, especially if you keep your arms open to let the new information in. Now, if you’re interested in how to find and bring new information in, move onto this post, which talks about just that.
