So, we know that nobody’s perfect. And sometimes you’re going to make mistakes that end up hurting other people. When this happens, the best thing to do is to apologize to them, authentically and thoroughly. Apologies are a great human custom. They’re good for the person who made the mistake, and the person who got hurt. They’re even good for everyone on the fringes of the conflict too. They give a chance for the conflict to draw to an official end, with a true solution, and a reconciliation for all involved. What could be better than that?
That being said, there are both good and bad ways to apologize. If you are truly sorry and want to come back together and move forward, a good apology is an absolute must. So today, that’s what we’re going to talk about.
Timing
The first thing to take into account is the timing of your apology. Timing an apology is all about balance. You want to wait to try to come back together and reconcile until you’re calm enough to be able to look at the situation more rationally.
If you’re still so upset about what happened that you can’t see your part in the conflict, even if you want to apologize and move forward, you won’t be able to put together an adequate apology. It’ll sound insincere (at best) or like another argument (at worst).
On the flip side, you don’t want to wait too long, either. Waiting too long to say, “I’m sorry” makes it feel like an afterthought. Like you never really intended to do it, but someone told you that you “should”. Since you wanted it to be over, you decided to take their advice. And that’s not the only problem with waiting too long, either. If you keep the other person waiting for an apology, it also gives them time to stew in their own anger. Not everyone does this, but enough people do to the point that it’s something to consider. Especially if you were more aggressive in your disagreement with them. They’ll be left with unapologetic, aggressive memories of you. Memories without your positive intentions of smoothing things over and making them feel better. The longer that memory is their last to draw on, the more likely a grudge will form.
Tone
So once you’ve got the timing right, the next thing to consider is your tone. You don’t need to rehearse your apology, that’s not entirely necessary. But you do need to make sure that while you’re talking, you keep an eye on how you’re saying what you’re saying.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how important tone is, because you’ve experienced it. Someone says something that should be a nice thing. But it’s not what they said–it’s the way they said it. You don’t want to get trapped in the other side of this phenomenon when you’re trying to make amends. Make sure you’re getting your point across properly, instead of letting your tone make it sound like you’re being forced into an apology. Or that you’re using this chance to apologize to make fun of the person who you’ve already hurt.
What to include
So, tone is important, but so is the actual words you say. If you forget to mention an important detail of the conflict (or intentionally leave it out in order to not sound like the bad guy in your description of it), the apology likely won’t end well. The person you’re trying to reconcile with won’t feel heard. Or even worse, they’ll feel like you’re trying to manipulate them into forgetting your own shortcomings and steamrolling over them in hopes of getting your own way.
Make sure you mention what you actually did wrong, in detail, and how it hurt them if you know. (Which you should know by now, if you’re apologizing.) Also, tell them what you wish you would have done better, instead of how you actually handled things, and your plan to act more like that in the future.
Then finally, make it clear that you want to do what you can to help them move forward from this, and to help them heal, if necessary. Actually saying the words, “is there any way I can make it up to you?” can go a long way to demonstrate that you don’t just want this conflict to be over in order to get them to stop being mad at you, but that you also care how they feel and their perception of the situation as an equal individual. Showing that you genuinely want to help them feel better also acts as credibility to your apology, that you really do regret your actions and how they were affected by them.
Afterward
At this point in the conversation, it’s their turn to talk. And it’s your turn to listen. They’re going to respond to your apology, probably to the initial conflict too. Not only that, but often enough after listening to your heart-felt apology, they may want to apologize for the part they played in the conflict too.
Listening will help you, not just by adding authenticity in the eyes of the one you upset. It will also let you learn more from the whole situation. You’ll be able better understand what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. And in some cases, you’ll realize that it wasn’t as big of a deal as it seemed to begin with.
Stick to your word
Moving forward, a very important thing to keep in mind is keeping your promises. If you told them you would do something in order to make it up to them, then do it, and in a timely manner. If you promised changed behavior, then follow through. Failure to do so reflects insincerity or lack of character, and neither are a good look for you.
When you’re trying to make it up to someone, don’t make promises you know you can’t keep in order to calm them and “help them move on”. In the long term, it’ll only make things worse. The only thing worse than no apology or a bad apology, is a good apology filled with broken promises. You’ll be sure to lose this person as an ally that way.
If you don’t get forgiveness
And then there’s one more thing to take into account. What happens after an apology isn’t set in stone, and this person may or may not forgive you. If you don’t get forgiven, don’t get super upset or take it as an opening to start a new conflict. It’s not their job to forgive you. Instead, it’s better for you and the other person if you give the whole thing some distance. Accept their decision as calmly as possible, and focus on still growing from the experience and improving yourself anyway, on your own. Sometimes, if you give a person more time to think after your apology and show them how you’re improving on your own, they will come around on their opinion of you. Even if they don’t, using your new knowledge to become a better person is an admirable pursuit.
And remember, apologizing to someone you wronged is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you were able to own up to your mistakes, listen to the other person’s point of view, and be kind, be proud of yourself! Whether you get forgiven or not, you’ve done a good job. You can move forward with dignity and pride.
