Keeping yourself accountable

   Today we’re going to talk about a concept that’s annoying and exhausting (at least the way most people look at it) which is keeping yourself accountable, for your goals, dreams, and actions. We’ve already laid some pretty good groundwork in this area, which if you haven’t caught up on, I suggest you do that before reading this. You can find a pep talk for the monotony of recovery and goal-setting by clicking here, and you can find my recent discussion on motivation vs. inspiration here. Without further ado, let’s jump into the topic at hand.

 Accountability

   When I first heard this world, accountability, it was set in the rather specific idea of an “accountability partner”. What an accountability partner is, is someone who knows what a specific goal or boundary you have, and they check up on you about it, to help you “stay strong” along the way. (If you’re interested in my thoughts about the term “stay strong” as it often pertains to mental health, you can read all about that here.) Sometimes in these arrangements, your accountability partner is also striving toward the same or a similar goal as you, so it is a mutual thing, other times it is not. The point of this though, is that you have someone who knows what you’re going after, that you’ll have to answer to if you double cross yourself later down the road. And you know this person will ask.

   And even when we don’t call these people accountability partners, we see this sort of relationship take place everywhere. We’ve got therapists and coaches and mentors, parents, partners and friends, even bosses and coworkers. You look around in any direction, you can find someone who wants to keep you in line, or help you do that for yourself. We’re often not very self-governing as people, and we really don’t trust others to be.

This is your life

   But, well, that’s actually what I want to talk about. Being self-governed. So many of us are so used to being told what to do, on almost every level. We start off that way as children. By the time we’re adults, even though we have more freedom, we don’t really take advantage of it. Instead we do what other people want us to do and try to become what their vision for us is/was. Maybe this isn’t inherently wrong. I mean, the people who care about us often want good things for us, right? But you can’t live off of someone else’s vision for you, because their opinion and understanding of you will never be completely accurate anyway. 

   You need to garner your own perspective first. Take people’s criticisms into account, yes. But other people’s opinions about your life are no substitute for your own vision. If you only live by what they want for you, you’ll grow to resent them, because you never did the things you wanted to do. And not only that, but there will also be a lot of self-awareness you’ll miss out on, purely by ignoring your own dreams and goals. 

When goals get frustrating

   So, I’ve convinced you. You’ve got your own vision, you’re using inspiration instead of motivation to keep things going. But what about the days when it’s difficult? When you do get tempted to give it all up–just for today, because you’re bored, or it’s work (or whatever your excuse is). And yeah, that’s when accountability comes in. Because you know you want to do this. This is what you’re putting your life’s effort into right now. And if you really arrived at this dream yourself, you may not have a lot of supporters. You need to rely on yourself. 

   First, I need you to remember something, which is why you decided to go after this in the first place. Your inspiration, your grand vision for your new life or what you would add to the world, what is it? What is your “why”? Remember, that nobody’s going to bring to this world what you do. It’s on you.

   But even when you feel inspired, you might still feel the drag, and I understand that. Working on something for a long period of time is draining, and discouraging. Especially when you’re not seeing the desired result yet. And if you really don’t have anyone who is checking up on you like grade school, seeing if you’ve done your homework and such, you might not always feel that fire underneath you to keep going. How do you actually go to yourself for support?

Self-accountability how-to

   I think a large part of self-accountability is creating a strong relationship with our past and future selves. (You can even try writing letters to them, if you think that will help. If you want help getting started with that exercise, you can dive into my posts on the topic. Find them here and here.) You have to agree with your past self enough that this is a worthwhile pursuit to want to keep going. And you have to respect your future self enough to not set yourself back on your way of getting there. Every day you ignore your goals or make excuses for why you’re not working toward them is another day that your future self won’t be living the dream. And that’s not fair, is it? 

   Keep in touch with your inspiration, and the perspectives of your past and future selves. And then try throwing yourself into structure. Take a whack at creating a schedule, so you know you’re consistently working toward your goals, and stick to it. If it’s not working because it’s not sustainable or you’re not capable enough yet, amend it. Make it so that you can follow it, and make your way up the learning curve. When it gets boring or annoying or tiring, keep going, and look for a new foothold that can give you some new pep in your step.

   If you do have a slip-up or setback, gently dust yourself off and start again. Remind yourself that these things are bound to happen. There’s no reason to shame yourself for it, just go back to the grind as soon as you possibly can. You don’t want to lose any more time or ground to your last mistake. Don’t let the self-pity flood in and paralyze you. Instead, use your disappointment as a stepping stone. It’s just an example of what not to do. Reflect on how you’ll overcome that temptation next time. In fact, sometimes our worst mistakes become our greatest lessons, if we use them right. But look for these lessons and fortitude within yourself.

Make yourself proud

   We get so worked up over disappointing other people, and that’s why accountability partners work. We almost want someone to shame us into being the best version of ourselves. But do you want the truth? When it comes to you actually achieving your goals and getting there, few people care. Most people in your life just want their version of you to thrive, and it’s hard for them to separate their version of you in their mind from the real and actual you. Only you can know the real you. That’s why you have to turn inward if you’re going to make real traction. 

   But here’s some perspective for you. You are the person that’s going to be most disappointed when you don’t pursue your dreams (or achieve your goals). You’re the one who’s going to have to live with it for the rest of your life. Disappointing yourself is one of the worst things you can do. Much worse than bumming someone out who wanted you to stay small. (Or wanted you to grow in their way instead of your own.) They can always go back to their own life at the end of the day–you’re the one that’s going to be stuck with you. And if that means you have to police yourself a little and do things when they don’t seem fun, so be it. 

   Because the one thing that they don’t tell you in life is that ultimately, people are content to watch you sink into stagnant mediocrity, if they perceive it to be the right kind of stagnancy. You may be the only one who’s going to expect more from yourself than “pay your bills, show up to work and don’t hurt other people”. If you want an extraordinary life, you have to be the one to orchestrate the little details, often past what others deem “necessary”. Remember, there is no permission slip for greatness.