I’ve had lots of conversations about personality over the years, especially ones where personality itself wasn’t being discussed specifically, but rather used as a jumping off point to understand a person or situation or what have you. And it wasn’t until recently that I had sort of an epiphany, from yet another conversation, this one being incredibly short. In fact, I’d almost rather class it as an off-handed comment than a conversation, yet it struck me anyway.
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This person that I was talking to said that actually, they didn’t believe in personality. That it was all a made up concept, to help people feel special and like they understand themselves. And as much as I was jarred by the sudden frankness and almost confrontational nature of the statement, it really made me think. “Does personality really exist, or are we just fooling ourselves? Is the only thing that affects a person their experiences and the situation they’re in right now?”
Myers Briggs
I’m actually in the camp of personality being “a thing”. You can take two people and put them into the same situation, and they will, in fact, act differently. Obviously, we know this. Most personality tests try not to find the origin of these differences, but rather observe them and describe them. That’s all “personality” comes to, I think. What a person is “like”. So how could that not be “a thing”?
But your personality doesn’t really stay the same over time. When I was a young child, I was tested under the criteria of the Myers Briggs personality test by my parents, and they figured I was one personality type. That sort of idea led them to seek advice from a parenting book specifying how to relate to your child of whatever personality type, as well as looking at me and who I might be in the future through that lens. I was lent a book on how to find the right career for your personality type.
Trapped in a personality
Furthermore, I was told that because I was (x) personality, I was this way, and bound to react to whatever situation in this manner, etc. And most of it made sense, I’m going to be honest with you. I went back and read the description of that personality type, and that’s pretty much how I was as a kid. Just one problem, I’m not that way anymore.
I more recently (within the last year or two) went back and took the Myers Briggs personality test again, this time as an adult, and wouldn’t you know it, I got a different result. Not totally different. Obviously, there were some parts that were still the same. But it definitely changed. So, all that lovely career advice for my personality type? Kaput. All of those perceptions rattled off by my mom about me over the years about who I would grow up to be? Not really accurate. So where does that leave us, exactly?
(By the way, if you’re interested in the Myers Briggs Personality test, you can read this book that gives you all the information you need to understand the system, interpret the test scores and administer the test itself. It’s a dense read, but worth it if you’re heavily invested. )
You’re going to change
We know that people are bound to change over time. Some people get better, some people get worse, and some people just change. When you lose touch with a friend for years and reconnect, you might notice that they’re not really the same person as the last time you talked. And yeah, their personality might actually be different.
We all go through events in our lives that shape us into the people we are bound to become. We also have control over how we react to these life-changing events, and resetting our background habits as well as the environment of the home we go back to at the end of the day. All these little details will and do have an affect on us, whether we’re aware of it or not.
When I look back on my life since being a child, I can almost pinpoint the habits and events that championed these differences in me. Even better, now I can say that I’m actually proud of them. There’s no shame in growing, even if it means leaving your past self behind.
I’m proud of the changes I’ve made over the years to who I am, not because I was ashamed of who I was, but because I valued myself enough to grow and change into a new version of myself. I worked hard to get where I wanted to be. I worked hard to be who I am today. And I’m going to continue to change as I work toward my new goals and dreams, that’s how it works. The older you are, the more you start to see yourself change overtime. It’s inevitable. All you can do is try to change for the better.
How much do people really change?
One of my friends used to tell me that everyone has something. Something unique to them that stays the same. I don’t know if I believe that anymore. I do think that largely, people stay the same. We’re creatures of habit, and we tend to do and think and feel the same things day in and day out. So, yes, in that sense, there are going to be traits that we do carry our whole lives. But maybe we get to decide what those are, in terms of who we are on the inside.
When I was a young child, my personality said that I was very emotional, and wouldn’t use rational thinking to make decisions. But you know what? That’s a skill you can learn. And I found that out. I valued that idea, so I learned the skill, and these days, most people perceive me as a pretty good rational thinker, especially when it comes to making decisions. I think most things in life are like that. Skills to be learned. And the more you can keep that perspective, the more you can learn, and grow, and yes, change.
When, why, and how we (don’t) change
I think people tend not to change so much, even over the years. Mostly, because we don’t want to. A lot of us are motivated to stay the same, because our brain interprets that as “safe”, since it’s carried you this far. Which it has, I’m not denying that. But that doesn’t mean it’s safe, and not only that, but it doesn’t mean it’s safe for the future. Just as people change, this world is ever-changing, too. And it’s up to us to change with it in mind, if we are so motivated.
Others try not to change because they’re trying to love themselves. This is a noble goal, but I think this manifestation of it is misguided. (Read this post about self love vs self improvement if you’re not sure what I’m talking about.) Deciding to learn and grow is not abandoning or condemning your old self–not if you don’t want it to be. You can just be building on it. If you ask me, that’s the real self-love right there.
Our lives vs our personalities
When it comes down to it, it’s just a big old question of nurture vs nature, isn’t it? And I think, in many of our personal lives, it’s something we may never have a deep understanding of. (If who you are is due to what you’ve been through and made for yourself, or if there’s a huge amount of credit just due to simply “how” you are.) And I think our own predispositions are something to take into account, genetically, as well as just personality-wise. (If you’re looking for that post, click here.) But once we’ve looked at these things and accounted for them, it’s time to step up and take the wheel, I think.
Be realistic about who you are and how big your goals are, yes. But don’t be afraid to reach for something more, especially gradually. Our brains change overtime with new input, that’s a scientific fact. So give yourself a chance, to grow, to change. To live a whole new life inside of this one. And if that ends up changing your results on the Myers Briggs test in ten years’ time, so be it.
Oh, and if you’re interested in that book that my parents read about how to parent based on your child’s personality, they still sell it today. You can check it out on Amazon for a current price. As much as I wouldn’t put your eggs all in the Myers-Briggs basket, it was definitely a decent read with good points and interesting anecdotes.
