I had an epiphany recently. I was sitting down in my living room when it hit me, that my life was my own, to do whatever I want with. To many of you, this may seem like an obvious thing. And to me it is too, except it hit me weird. Let me explain.
Children are sponges
All our lives, we’re taught rules. These rules come from our parents, schools, peers, society, workplaces, friends, and so on and so forth. When we’re young especially, our brains are wired to take as much information in as possible (to learn how to survive in the world we live in), and to be quite frank with you, they are not wired to really question what we’re learning. Just absorption, like a sponge.
And this isn’t bad, for the most part. It’s the way that we have to grow up so that we can become functioning adults who know and have experienced things. As we get a little older, we become more skeptical of new information, and we learn (hopefully) how to critically evaluate it before storing it away for future use. But by then, the damage is done. If you want to call it damage, that is. You’ve already had rules and lessons instilled in you from day one, and so you are already pretty well-shaped as a person by this time.
Unlearning the rules
You may get into therapy, as many do, and try to unlearn these subconscious rules and scripts, and atempt to dismantle them when they seem like they’re making life harder on you. And it’s a long process sometimes, but it’s something you can do. Nevertheless, they’re there. For you to discover, or not. Some you will want to get rid of, others you will be thankful for.
But there may come a day when you realize that you’re living by someone else’s script. And when that happens, it’s frustrating and disheartening for a lot of people. Your fears are learned, and so is your lack of belief and regard for yourself. In fact, there are many subconscious rules and processes that your brain goes through, adding a structure to your life behind the scenes. Or if we’re speaking more negatively, adding limitations.
There are only choices
The truth is, there are actually no rules when it comes to life. (This is probably uncomfortable for all you die-hard rule followers out there. I know it was for me.) There are only choices and consequences. And I think this is a reasonable checkpoint for many of us. Because when we blindly follow a rule, we don’t always realize we are making a choice. Some rules are good rules. They keep us and the other people around us, safe. But some “rules” are actually there for bad reasons, or reasons that don’t apply anymore. And when we realize that it is truly our choice whether or not to follow these rules, it begs the question: “Is this rule in place for a good reason or not?”
How to live by your own rules
I’d encourage you to make some lists to start you off on this process. First, try making a list of the rules that you live your life by. But I’m not talking about just laws. I’m talking about things that your parents told you that you haven’t let go of. Things that your best friend said back when you were children and made a pact to never do that awful thing. You really want to dig in to the subliminal messages that you just automatically live by during your day to day life without questioning.
Some of these rules will give you nostalgia. Others will make you upset. Take the ones that bother you and sort them out. Once you’ve got all the negative, limiting beliefs on their own, it’s time for the fun part. (Although it can be a little more difficult if this whole concept is new for you.) You’re going to make a new list. Look at these rules one by one, and decide how true it is, what parts are old and not useful. And then you’re going to write out what you’d prefer to live your life by now. Something that resonates more with who you are and who you want to become today. Because this life is your own.
Learning about yourself
If this exercise took longer than you imagined, don’t sweat it. This isn’t the be-all, end-all for how you’re going to live your life from this day forward. It’s more of a jumping off point, to get you really looking into some of the things you never inspected before. Also, to get you thinking more critically about your subconscious processes, and how they contribute to who you are and who you’re becoming. Thinking this way is going to help you realize more clearly who you are, what you believe, and who you’d like to become. And it has been used by many people to help them realize how they’re going to get to where they want to go. It’s a tool, to help you start taking life into your own hands, where it should have been all this time.
Reparenting
This technique, of writing our your own rules to life and the subsequent, trying to enforce them, can be a part of inner child work called “reparenting”. It’s not trying to give yourself the childhood you never had, but rather giving yourself the attention and direction that you may have been lacking back in those years. Basically, you become your own mentor, and you guide your life in the direction you want it to go, from the perspective of an adult who cares for you. If you’re interested in finding out more about inner child work, you can read the post I’ve written about it a while back. It has an introduction to the concept as well as a few ideas to start you off, and you can find that here.
My own experience
I’ve done this exercise before, a couple times over the years, and it helps to bring me perspective on how I’m doing according to my own yardstick. In fact, right now on my wall in my home I have a colorfully decorated list entitled “New Rules for life”. Seeing it prominently displayed helps me remember that when I default back to old scripts, I am still making a choice. And it helps me also keep track of my own ideas. Because sometimes, that stuff can get lost in the chaos of life circumstances and other people’s opinions.
Keeping a list prominently displayed maybe be a cheesy suggestion, but it helps me have a tangible thing to look at when my inside world gets loud and cluttered. I can still look back to my list. And no matter what anybody says or does, I can say, “No. This is who I am and what I want. I’m willing to work with you, but this is how I’m going to play it.”
Who do you see in the metaphorical mirror today? And who would you like to be, if given the chance? Changing yourself starts with changing your brain, your beliefs. And I promise, with enough focus and effort, you can learn it too. So start living life on your terms!
