They say that when we’re babies, we love ourselves unconditionally. We discover our bodies, in awe of what they are, and what they can do. When we’re upset, we cry, and when we have a need we show it the best we can, never questioning if we’re really “worthy”. So, what happens in between there and now, where most of us have some sort of difficulty extending ourselves this same, innate personal regard?
Well, I have some theories. We get told by so many people and places what and who we should be, sometimes shamed for who we are, and because we love and care about others, we start to question ourselves. And we can get really upset and blame-y about these incidents, because they’re painful, and emotionally scarring, but honestly, it does very little good. The people who tried to dictate who we became are just as much victims to this as we are, and by giving them all the power over who we’ve become, we’re giving up our own. The only way out is to reclaim our power and break the cycle the best we can.
Self-Love Journey
I think, for many, when you hear the words “self-love journey”, it can become a major cringe. Maybe you think it’s an overdone cliche. Maybe you’ve seen people in the world around you and thought, “they really have no business loving themselves”, or what have you. But I think the biggest reason we recoil at the idea of embarking on a self love journey is the fact that we’re so entrenched in the opposite viewpoint.
If you really believe that you’re inherently bad, and the only way you can be kept in check is by constant shame and punishment, then of course this idea of committing to a long term journey for the purpose of loving, accepting, and appreciating yourself is mildly upsetting (at least). Because “you don’t deserve it.” Or “that’s a waste of time and energy”. Or “that could only lead to trouble.” And when you see someone else do it, all of your defenses come up again, because there’s this part of your emotional wound activated.
There’s these warring ideas at play. Because deep down, you know it would feel so good to believe you’re worthy. But if you are really worthy of love just as you are, then that means that everyone who tried to convince you you weren’t, they were just lying to you or trying to control you. For many of us, this idea is even more immediately painful than the idea that we’re just awful at our core. So we shut it down.
To begin self-love, first end self-hate
If you want to learn to truly embrace yourself for who you are and love yourself, I think the first step is dismantling the hate. I would call it “internalized hate”, because you are internalizing messages that others have given you, but the fact is, for most of us regular people, the people around us don’t really hate us. They just gave us messages rooted in fear or judgement, etc, because they didn’t have anything better to pass on. The hate that we’ve learned for ourselves is our own. We constructed it. But the good news is, that means we can dismantle it too.
Of course, dismantling your own network of self-hatred is easier said than done. It’s a long process, and you do have to be dedicated to it, in order to continually make progress. You need to learn self-awareness, not just of your actions, but also of your thoughts. You need to learn to listen to the words inside your head, even before they come out. And call yourself on them.
When you begin this process, you’re going to find that you have a lot of upsetting beliefs about yourself. (Upsetting in the way that they literally upset you to think about.) The problem is, you really believe them. And becoming aware of them as they crop up can be exhausting, frustrating, and disheartening. But you’ve got to pull through this part to see the next, better part.
At this point, you don’t even really want to aim at self love. Just try aiming for neutral. If you hear an awful thought in your head, start with the retort, “Well, maybe not” and mean it. Just start slowly chipping away at this network of pain. If you’re interested in going more in depth with this process, you can look into some of my other posts, most specifically “why do I hate myself” and “believing your thoughts”. These outline the process fairly simply, although understanding is only the first step. You still have to do the sometimes greuling work.
Getting to self love
Once you’ve successfully managed your self-hate into… general neutrality, you can start making your way towards self love. And even from a place of neutrality, you will find that some of these habits and concepts do feel a little strange, silly, or uncomfortable for you. That’s okay, you’re still growing. It’s going to be bumpy for a while. Don’t let that convince you not to do it or that you’re somehow “failing”. You’re not. You’re learning.
During this phase of your journey, a great checkpoint is “If I loved myself, how would I handle this obstacle?” And then do that. Or for emotional matters, another one I like and have gotten a lot of mileage out of is, “what if I’m actually a good person?”
And really, at the risk of sounding overly simplistic, you just have to keep chipping away at it. See what these sort of thoughts uncover for you, explore what it would mean to believe yourself to be a lovable, worthy, good person, and how to treat yourself that way. As you get more used to the concept of imagining these ideas, habits, and beliefs, they start to flow into you naturally. You start to believe them and the self-sabotaging starts to happen less and less. It’s a natural outgrowth of a long and dedicated unlearning process.
Loving yourself
I’ve personally done a lot of work to get to where I’m at today with my own self-esteem. And most days, I can say, without feeling silly or batting an eye, that I love myself. The old me would be absolutely blown away by the progress I’ve made. I…love myself. But the thing about loving yourself that a lot of people misunderstand is that you’re still going to doubt yourself sometimes. You’re still going to disappoint and upset yourself. And it’s always going to be up to you to treat yourself with respect, in spite of this. Even once you love yourself, loving yourself is a continual practice. Kind of like how it’s your responsibility to get up every day and treat others with respect. Sometimes it seems easier to slip into bad habits, of saying mean things and treating people (both others and ourselves) like garbage. But we can’t let ourselves fall into that. This world needs kindness. Respect. This world needs you. And you need you, too.
My Own Practice
As I said, even though I do feel that I love myself overall now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t need to continually practice self-love. And sometimes, I will admit, it’s harder than I feel like it “should be”. I still struggle in some aspects of it, for various reasons, and I don’t feel my love for myself every single day. But I challenge myself to still act on it, even if I don’t think I deserve it.
For me, self love is taking a step back when I’m in the middle of something and addressing my needs-both physical and emotional. It’s practicing good hygiene even when I feel lazy. It’s taking care of my responsibilities so that I won’t feel bad about myself later. It’s letting myself feel my emotions, even when they’re unpleasant, and even when other people don’t like it or try to tell me I’m “too sensitive”. It’s encouraging myself to follow my dreams, to learn about things I’m not good at, to acknowledge my mistakes, and to always strive for healthier habits, to take care of myself. Because I do deserve it.
It’s also the lack of some things. Like even if I feel really ashamed of myself, I take the idea of self-punishment off the table, including some forms of “indulging” that look nice in the moment but really just add up to long-term self-sabotage. I stand resolute in my boundaries, even when I’m scared it’ll shake things up and want to take back my words. And a covenant that I have with myself, to allow myself to be wrong, without thinking that I am bad.
And to be honest, sometimes practicing self-love really lies in the silly little details. Like giving yourself a massage. Wearing an outfit that really expresses you (even if its not “in style”). Letting yourself sit down and relax at the end of a hard day. Feeding yourself a meal you really love sometimes, even if it’s not the healthiest. It’s accepting there is a balance to life, and that there is well-being in the balance. I can’t stress enough how important that is. There is a time for productivity and goals, as well as a time for rest. There is a time for solitude, and a time for social communion. It’s time to let ourselves be whole people, and embrace the different parts of ourselves.
You loving yourself
If you go on this great journey of self-love, I really am proud of you. And your end game isn’t going to look like mine. Maybe you won’t get thrills out of writing, artistic expression, or whatever. But that’s kind of the beauty of it. Because if you look at it, really look at it, all of those little things about you that other people ignore or think are weird, are what make you beautiful. And if you can learn to embrace them, nourish them, and own up to them even in the face of opposition, your life will be more fun, more fulfilling, and the memories you make will be amazing along the way.
So ask yourself today, “What would my life look like if I loved myself?” I’m so excited to watch you all sparkle. If you have any tips and tricks about self love, self care, or self explorations, please share them with us in the comments below, so that we can all make use of your wisdom. And if you like, share your journey with us too. I know I’ve got some truly inspiring people who read along with this blog.
