Write a letter: to someone who hurt you

   Hi everyone! We’ve got a pretty serious concept in our letter-writing today, which is a letter to someone who has hurt you. If you want to read about the basis for letter writing first, you can click here. And to look at the last letter we wrote, go here. But now, let’s dig in.

   There are some situations in life that leave us wounded, and scarred. Sometimes they just don’t go away, even after years of living your life and moving on. It’s not our fault that we are hurt. But our healing is our responsibility. 

    I want you to get really honest with yourself today. What has happened in your life that has really hurt you? What still keeps you up at night, and who do you really wish you could talk to? We’re starting from there. 

The preparation 

   When you write to someone who hurt you, there is definitely a different tone to your letter than many that I’ve encouraged writing so far. But it’s important to embrace that. Because not everything that’s worth doing is happy or comfortable. 

   Let yourself go there. I’m not saying you have to go back in your mind to when this hurtful event happened, not if you don’t feel like it. But that place that you’re still in, that’s painful and sad and vulnerable that you’ve been pushing away for so long, go there. Really let it overcome you for a minute. What is the real problem with what happened? What is the worst part about it? And then…picture that person. As you knew them to be, as you understand them to be now, or as you wish they could have been for you, whatever helps you most. Picture them, and uncap your pen. 

What to write

   This is your letter. Don’t waste time with details you know they would want you to acknowledge, or try to rationalize your feelings. Your feelings and perceptions are valid. Work from there, and say what you’ve needed to tell them for so long. 

   Tell them what happened, from your perspective. Say what you needed from them. Tell them where you’re at with it now, and where you hope you’re heading in terms of your healing. Mention how much pain they put you in. You can even yell at them, for how much they abandoned you, betrayed you, failed you, whatever. Really tell them off. 

   You can also ask the questions that you’ve secretly been wondering for the longest time. Like, “why did you do this to me? Was I not enough?” Or “is there anything I could have done better, in order for you to have met my needs?” You can even ask, “did you ever really care about me at all?”

When you’re done

   I think the best part of this letter is the writing of it. You get stuff off your chest and allow your thoughts to flow, often to places you didn’t know existed because you never really let yourself dig that deep before. And once this is over, please take some time for relaxing and deep breathing and such. You’ve just been through a big emotional ordeal. Chill out for a moment. 

   But don’t send this letter. Yes, because it could cause trouble. But also because they don’t really have the answers, 95% of the time. It’s lovely when you can reconnect peacefully with someone you had a falling out with, but you can’t expect that of anyone. It has to come from them.

   Read your letter over again. Maybe from their perspective, if you want a psychological exercise, but at least read it from a calmer point of view. And really take it in. Realize that even when you repress your thoughts and feelings about this, this is where your mind is going behind the scenes. Take that in. 

You are your own best guru

   Once you read this over, and you’ve acclimated to what you’re saying, it’s time for the larger, wiser, loving part of you to step up. Give yourself compassion for your pain. Give yourself credit for the progress you’ve made and the new understandings you’ve gained about yourself. And turn it on yourself too. 

   Any question that you wrote in your letter, ask it to yourself. See if you have the answer that you’re looking for from someone else. If you don’t, it’s time to look for it instead of ask someone else. And if you do, trust yourself enough to embrace it. 

   In life, people really can do us dirty. But they can’t take the most important part of us—who we are. And you are wonderful. You are wise. You are beautiful. You have the answers for your healing, I promise you. It lies within you.

And if you’re currently having trouble with forgiveness due to a severe breach in trust and human decency, read this. Because a lot of people will have their own ideas about forgiveness and try to impose them on you, and you need to know that sometimes, it’s just not worth it. Not in that way.