There’s a page in my diary that has just one sentence on it. It says, “Triggers are different than boundaries, but both are relevant.” I wrote it when I was feeling wistful, trying to communicate with myself a concept that was fuzzy to me, in language I didn’t right then understand. I do that often, when I write to myself. Make vague statements and metaphors that feel so right, and then later I come back to them to see if they have any weight. This one did. And we’re going to talk about it today.
What’s the point?
So, you may ask right off the bat, what I meant. The language is plain, but what was I getting at? And I feel very much the same. I’m not sure how it came out, but somewhere inside of me I felt it was very important to communicate this message. So let’s start from the base. Triggers and boundaries are different.
Triggers
Triggers, the way we think of them, are when you’re presented with a situation (an action, some words, or just a general scenario in your daily life), and it causes an intense emotional reaction in you. This reaction is, by definition, a sort of overreaction, due to past adversity, such as trauma, addiction, mental illness, or adversity.
The thing I want to point out about triggers, before we move on to boundaries, is that as we grow and heal from our pasts and bad habits, we learn how to avoid, prevent, and deal with our triggers in a better way. Many triggers can dissipate completely with hard work, focus, and time.
Boundaries
Then we have boundaries, which are in contrast, a necessary part of living a mature, healthy life. A boundary is you deciding that you don’t want to be treated in a certain way, or that you will not put up with a specific behavior directed toward you or conducted in your presence. Sometimes boundaries are based in our moral system, other times they are personal. You know, calls you make out of a sense of healthy self-respect. Sometimes, learning boundaries and how to enforce them can be really difficult, especially for people who tend to get triggered, This is because often they have learned a very negative internal script that tells them they are not deserving of respect and decency, in a myriad of different ways.
If you’re interested in reading more about boundaries, I have another post on that which you can find by clicking here. But in short, what I want to say about boundaries is that enforcing them often comes in a similar way as being triggered. You’re presented with a situation, you feel offended or upset, and you respond based on that. But boundaries are healthy, and necessary. Whereas triggers are not. And it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Similarities
When we’re thinking about boundaries vs triggers, it’s important to remember these similarities. As I said, the process to each can be similar. Something happens, we get some form of upset. In either, the situation may bring up negative memories from the past that you don’t want to consider at the moment, and in both situations it can be helpful to temporarily remove yourself from the immediate “threat”.
And furthermore, neither triggers nor boundaries mean that the other person causing this discomfort is being mean, cruel, immoral or intentional. This is a tough part to internalize when you’re in the throes of upset. But it is true, and it’s something to keep in mind when you’re assessing the situation.
How to tell
I think, if we’re going to put this succinctly, there is one straightforward way to tell if you’re going down the road of a trigger or a boundary. And that is this: boundaries are a slower process, more intentional, and less emotional. If you’re reacting from that emotional place, it’s a trigger. However, if you feel the emotion, try to seperate yourself and calm down, then look at the scenario from a more rational standpoint and respond from this calmer, more mature place with a plan for the future, then that’s a boundary.
It is possible to set a boundary based on a trigger that you’ve experienced, but there are good and bad ways of doing that. If your “boundary” is put into place so that you don’t have to get upset anymore, then that’s an uniformed way of doing things. And to be honest, not a great boundary. The aim of boundaries is to take value in yourself, and protect yourself from being repeatedly disrespected.
Problem
When you get upset, but you treat triggers like boundaries, you set yourself up for undue separation from others, and stunt your own personal development. If someone keeps crossing boundaries while knowing they’re your boundaries, that person does not respect you and does not deserve your time and effort in that sphere. But if someone keeps triggering you, it’s a different situation. Often, people don’t know about triggers, because we don’t like to dredge up painful subjects, but also, I think it requires a different approach because you do intend on healing in that area.
That’s not to say that it’s okay for someone to keep triggering you on purpose. That too, is a boundary violation, and it is one you should also take seriously. Even if they think they’re helping you grow. It’s important that the people closest to you are helping you along your journey, not just making it harder. But you shouldn’t expect your triggers to be the same hard-and-fast stop that your boundaries are. You deserve respect. But your triggers don’t necessarily deserve yours.
How to move forward
We can think of triggers as temporary boundaries. When it comes to the people in our support networks, it is good to communicate what’s going on, and how to avoid triggering you, so that they can help make your days a little bit easier. At the same time, it is up to you to decide how you want to work at them. It may involve talking it out with a professional (or just a friend), desensitizing yourself to your trigger in certain situations, journaling, learning coping skills, etc. But the point is, your path to healing is your own, and it’s worth it to attempt to chart it out.
When it comes to strangers or people you don’t know very well, you may not decide to talk about your triggers, and that’s a perfectly valid choice. I can tell you, I chose to navigate away from that as much as possible. The reason for that was twofold. Not only did I doubt the helpfulness of telling them something so temporary (I didn’t want their version of me in their minds to be stuck there), but I also understood that they have no reason to try to support me through this. We’re not close, I’m not going to call on them for a listening ear or a hug…so why tell them? It would open me up to unnecessary vulnerability, in a possibly not-so-safe place. For what seemed like little benefit, at best. When strangers or tertiary people in my life would trigger me, I would opt to just quietly distance myself or remove myself from the situation altogether.
You don’t need someone else’s permission to keep yourself safe. And don’t beat yourself up about it if you feel “silly” or like you’re “overreacting”. A sort of “why can’t I just be normal?!” Because remember, this is your trigger, not your boundary. And you’re working on it.
So when you’re getting upset and you feel called to stand up for yourself and take action, do it. But try to reflect on whether you’re running into a trigger or a boundary first. This will help you decide just what action should be taken, and how you want to handle it in the future.
