It’s letter writing time again, and I’m so glad you’re with us today. Now, if you’re new to letter writing as a therapeutic concept, I’d encourage you to go to my introductory post to this idea, by clicking here. Last time, we talked about writing to your future self (click here to read), and today, we’re tackling a heavy one. Grief. More specifically, we’re writing a letter to someone who has passed on.
Everybody grieves differently. And if you’ve suffered a big loss, there’s no doubt you’ve also heard about the five stages of grief as well. So you know that how you feel now is going to shift over time. But I think, especially as you go through the different stages of grief, writing a letter to your lost one if you feel so inclined, is a helpful practice.
What this letter might help
If you feel that your relationship with your loved one was unresolved in any way, then writing to them is a good way to get your feelings out, explore them, and understand them, even if the person is no longer here to listen. Whether you believe that they are somewhere (up, down, on the other side etc.) listening to you doesn’t change this fact. Sometimes there are just things that you still need to say. (And they’re not always good either.)
I don’t think this is a one-and-done sort of exercise either, as I alluded to already. You may want to write many letters, as your feelings or understandings of this person change. And that’s okay. In fact, that’s great. You should do it.
A letter to someone who has died can also be something you do with someone you had a good relationship. When you miss them. Or when you wish they could have been here to see this. Even if you just learned something that makes you think of them. Just because they died, doesn’t mean that your relationship with them did too.
It can help you learn more about who they were even after they’ve gone, as well as who you are. Who you’re becoming, and who you want to be. It helps you sort out your feelings when…nobody else may be able to quite understand.
What to write
If this letter doesn’t flow naturally for you, here are some ideas about what to write to your loved one who has passed on.
-how you feel about them and their death
-how long it’s been, how much they’ve missed
-something that they would be upset or happy to see
-what they taught you or what you miss about them
-if you plan on carrying on their legacy and how
-if you think of them often or are continuing life as normal
-any thoughts you might have about life and death in general
-what impact they had/have on you and the world around them
When you’ve finished
Don’t be afraid or hold back on this letter. Whatever you believe about the afterlife or lack thereof, they’ve passed on. What you say isn’t going to hurt them. Now, since you obviously can’t mail it to them, that begs the question, do you keep this letter?
Obviously, it’s your choice, they’re your words, you can do what you want with them. But I would suggest no. The reason I say this is because the really important part of this is to get your feelings straightened out and as much as possible, out of your system. You care about your relationship with this person deeply, but you also need to be invested in your own life, as it’s playing out in front of you, instead of grasping onto the coattails of someone who’s already gone. And keeping this letter won’t bring them back.
A really good way to dispose of this letter is by safely burning it. Key word, safely! Follow all fire precautions and don’t do this if you can’t do it safely. You could also shred it to bits when you’re done, if you can’t light it on fire. There’s a sort of beauty to this destruction, signifying the end and that they are now, in fact, gone. But if you also believe in a spiritual side to things, you can imagine that as you’re destroying this letter, the message is being dissipated in the world here, and being sent to your lost loved one, wherever you understand them to be. And once your letter is really gone, it helps bring a level of closure to the exercise that brings you back to your daily life in the now moment.
Have you ever lost a loved one? Have you or would you ever write a letter to them? Let us know in the comments below.
