Today, we’re talking about hypocrites! I’ve covered hypocrites before in my post “God bless the hypocrites” which you can find here. We talked about how to handle criticism constructively, so that we can use it to our advantage. But after all that, you may still be wondering “how do I not end up a hypocrite?” And that’s what we’re diving into today, so put on your swimming goggles and let’s go.
What is a hypocrite?
If we take the word hypocrite at its base definition, we’re looking at a person who tells people to live their lives a way that they don’t (or haven’t, as the case may be). And so I suppose there are ways around that, both actually and technically. Bad ways, specifically. Like you could say that if you never let yourself grow, you probably won’t become a hypocrite. Because you’ll get stuck in one idea, and even if it’s a mistake, you’ll probably not tell other people to do anything different.
A less bad way of not being a hypocrite is the good ol’ M.Y.O.B. (minding your own business.) If you never tell anybody how to live their lives, then you can’t really be a hypocrite. And many of us could take on a little more of this trait. To be honest, other people’s lives and paths really aren’t our business unless they flat out ask us for our opinion or are causing other people harm. And focusing so much on somebody else doesn’t give you much space to improve yourself anyway.
The real issue
The problem with these solutions is that they don’t get to the core of the problem. Us. We become hypocrites when we have regrets but don’t do anything to try and resolve them or improve ourselves in the present. This feeling of “not wanting to be a hypocrite” can be broken down into a few key things. Firstly, what other people think of us. Second, shame we have for our past. And third, embarrassment about our own inaction in the present.
I don’t think we can really get over this sort of anxiety we have around our own hypocrisy if we don’t truly examine each of these arenas. So let’s do just that, right now.
Other’s opinions
When we have deep connections with other people, it makes sense to not want to put them in any sort of discomfort. We want them to be happy and nourished, and we definitely don’t want them to be upset with us. Being ridiculed is at best, uncomfortable, and at worst, scary. But often, our fears are relatively unfounded.
The truth is, most people don’t think about us and our lives as much as we imagine they do. They’re more concerned with themselves. How they look, how they’re presented. They’re not really thinking about us that much. And even when they are, we can’t assume that we know what they’re thinking and feeling. Even though many of us try to insert our own assumptions into someone else’s experience, it’s a fruitless pursuit.
But the other thing is, you don’t owe it to anyone to stay small or trapped in your old mistakes. If someone truly would judge you for moving on and wanting to be a new person, then maybe their opinion isn’t one you need to take on board as your own, in this scenario. To be fair this is a pretty drive-by assessment about other people’s opinions. But if you’d like me to get more in depth on this topic, let me know and I will publish a longer piece discussing these issues that we have.
Personal shame
If you haven’t read my piece that came out earlier about cringey past selves, you can find it here. It’s a pretty quick read, but can be summed up in about one sentence: you should be yourself even if you’re going to grow past it and feel silly about who you were later. And I truly believe in that message. If we don’t allow ourselves to be authentic, then we’re not going to make the honest mistakes that we would’ve, and thus, we’re not going to learn the lessons that come from that paradigm. We need our mistakes to grow.
It’s just that gentle perspective that we need to start extending to our past selves. You see, as much as you might look back and feel kind of embarrassed about who you used to be, it got you here today. Warts and all. When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, and extend that to our past versions of us, we start to be able to use these mistakes for our own benefit. That is to say, instead of gathering shame, we start gathering wisdom. And wisdom is a beautiful thing. If you’re embarrassed about your past, you can read along with the discussion that takes place in the post “I’m embarrassed about my past!” It’s a healing process, if ever there was one, but a worthwhile one, I promise you.
Not getting it done
Now the final thing about hypocrisy might be the one that cuts deepest. Because it’s not based on presumptions or trying to prove you’re better than you once were. Hypocrisy can often serve as a defensive measure. Something to cognitively separate you from the fact that you’re not where (and who) you want to be in life. And a worse realization–that you have barely even tried.
There’s a sort of satisfaction that we get just from trying something. A feeling of productiveness, sure, because at least we went out and did something with our day. But even more than that, even if we fail. There’s this reassurance that if you tried, at least you were true to yourself, in a way. True to who you know yourself to be at your core.
The truth is, we don’t know if life as a whole has meaning. But all of us want our lives to. And it’s up to us to act on that inner voice, calling to us. Even if we fail. There’s something in us that will not be satisfied to just think of it–we have to try. If you have these things (somewhere in between dreams, talents and callings) and you’re ignoring them in yourself, you’re going to feel pretty awful inside. People may call you out on it, but the only reason it will hurt so bad is because you know they’re right, and you’re betraying yourself. So please, do the things that call to you. The things that you’re passionate about. Be fiercely you, before you can live to regret ignoring the fire inside of you.
Are you a hypocrite?
I know that sometimes I am a hypocrite. I teach people healthy habits that I don’t always make the mark on myself. I encourage everyone to find their own version of health and happiness when I haven’t and don’t always have my own. I tell people to speak up, for themselves, for others who are suffering. And so many times, I don’t hear my own voice doing the same, not even for myself. But I think the really heavy part about being a hypocrite, that shame, regret and longing, that’s what I really look to avoid. And for the most part, I’ve overcome it. I know that breaking out of your shell is really scary and hard, but some things are just worth the trouble they create. Like love, connection, passion and kindness.
So please, if you’re thinking about trying to step out and be weird, improve yourself or otherwise call yourself out on something you don’t want to feed anymore, don’t be scared of being a hypocrite once you’ve grown. Be scared of being stagnant when you could have reached out for something more and better. You got this.
