Last week, I covered the topic of therapy ending. It’s important to go into therapy with this expectation, and to understand that therapy, if it’s working, will end someday, when you are able to cope with your life and stressors on your own. And if you haven’t read that piece yet, I would strongly encourage you to give it a look by clicking here. But I also think that even if you have the expectation that your therapy will end, a lot of us have weird expectations for what that will look like.
So now, just for fun, I’ve decided I’m going to list a few things that “they” don’t tell you about life after therapy. These are things that I’ve observed in the last couple years, after completing therapy, that I wish someone had been able to tell me. If I had known and understood these things, I think I would’ve been better prepared.
Quitting therapy is like a breakup. Give yourself emotional grace
After you’re done with therapy, you may feel like you’ve lost something. You’re left with this empty space of time that you used to have filled, and in some ways, you’re left with what feels like one less friend. Even if you now have your life more under control than you ever have, you may still feel this sense of loss and emotional turmoil.
This is a new challenge for you, it’s okay if you find it difficult. Be kind to yourself during this time, and continue to use the tools that you gained in your therapy. Other people may not understand this feeling, especially those who never tried therapy or had bad experiences with it. But it’s valid, and you will get through it.
You’re not all better. But you’re better at handling it
When people are in a complete emotional freefall, they often imagine what feeling better would look like. It’s not uncommon to have an idealized version of what post-therapy you would be and live like. But a lot of these fantasies fall short of what becomes normal reality. You’re not going to be this perfectly healed, shiny person.
That being said, you now have the tools to deal with your old problems better than you used to. Maybe you’re still struggling with an addiction. Maybe you can’t leave your awful job yet. But you know how to cope now, when you’re feeling emotionally distressed. You have tools and ideas for how to manage your common mental and emotional pitfalls. That counts for something.
Nobody’s going to scold you for moving backwards- You have to keep yourself accountable
Therapy is really good if you need a grounded perspective on where you’re screwing up. Another possible source of this is a close, supportive friend who you can trust and is a stable person themselves. That being said, once you’re done with therapy, a lot of your accountability needs to come from yourself.
When we’re kids, there are rules. Rules to keep your parents satisfied with your performance, rules for succeeding at school, and rules to learn about how to be a productive, independent member of society. But one thing we learn as we grow up a little bit more is that really and truly, there are no rules. There are consequences, sure. But ultimately, you can live your life however you choose. And the painful truth: you can waste your life, if you choose.
Therapy helps you set goals and work toward them in a more structured environment. But once you’re back on your own, it’s up to you to create the sort of structure you need in order to achieve your goals. You should feel the same level of discomfort disappointing yourself and wasting your own time as you did with your therapist (or anyone else, for that matter). Because truly, when it comes down to it, that’s who is going to have to deal with your habits and decisions for the longest. You need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you’re becoming, and the choices you’re continually making.
You’re not done with the work, just the therapy
This one is sort of a continuation from the “you’re better at handling it now” point. But there is never going to be a time in your life where you’re all good, happy and healthy all the time. There are going to be new issues, people and stressors in your life. And those are going to require inner work, emotional maintenance and self care.
When we finish therapy, it’s easy to want to pretend to be all better. But you’re still the same person. And your life is always going to be imperfect. Stopping therapy means that it’s time to take things into your own hands. That maybe things are still hard, but it’s time to do this part standing on your own two feet. That’s where your power lies.
You’re going to change, and need new coping mechanisms as a result
When you first leave therapy, hopefully you feel optimistic. You’ve overcome a lot of mental blocks and vices, and learned a lot of valuable coping skills. You deserve that hard-earned pride. If you were well-prepared in your exit, then you have a good idea of how you’re going to deal with your common stressors and issues from this moment on, and have a couple techniques to combat them that work for you.
But as time goes on, people change. You may find that you change in ways that require new solutions. For example, if you always were trying to juggle college and work and that was a form of ongoing stress for you, what happens when you graduate? Maybe soon after that you add having a family to the mix. The point is, as your grow and change, your tools will need to as well. Maybe you just grow into different hobbies and interests so the things that used to soothe you don’t anymore.
I want to reassure you, finding new (healthy) coping mechanisms all on your own is possible. It just takes some work. But it’s worth it, because in the long run, getting more knowledge about yourself is helpful for living more purposefully and healthfully. And remember, you’ve done this already before. It’s the same process, following strings of your passion and the things that bring you rest.
Healing is possible, perfection is not
I know I’m really drilling in this point, but it’s so easy to get down on yourself. And without your usual therapy session, easier not to catch. Healing and growing is a subtle art. You will find that if you keep working at it, you’ll make small improvements. And over time, those little victories really add up and mean something. But so do the losses.
There are going to be days when you slip up. When you go back to your old unhealthy patterns. And when you catch yourself doing this, you have a choice. Do you shame yourself for messing up, burying yourself deeper into the dark hole? Or do you accept that you’ve messed up, and move on because you know what direction you want to move in?
You’re never going to be a perfect person. And it’s important to be able to look your flaws and mistakes in the eye, even though it’s uncomfortable. This is how we learn. This is how we grow. You don’t have to be proud of your mistakes. But it’s the best feeling, to be able to acknowledge what they were, and be proud of how you stepped away from them. Seek healing, growth, and improvement. Not perfection.
If perfectionism is something you often struggle with, take a gander at one of my past posts, called the problem with perfection. In it, we go much deeper into this idea of perfectionism and how to start being free of it.
Not everyone wants perspective
This one is hard for a lot of us, even people who haven’t been to therapy. When you learn these big life lessons that help and heal you so much, it’s normal to want to share them with as many people as possible. Especially the ones that look like they’re hurting. This is a really lovely instinct. You want to lift others up now that you’ve gotten your leg up.
And I say, go for it. Share your truth, share your lessons, share your healing. But there are good ways to go about this as well as not so good ways. And to some extent, that’s why I started this blog. I wanted to share with all of you the thoughts and ideas that brought me healing and peace. But I didn’t want to force them on people who didn’t want them.
There are people who aren’t in the space to hear these wisdoms. They can’t take on more information, or they can’t understand where you’re coming from and the nuance to what you’re saying. These people who are hurting but still want to get better need space to be able to integrate what they can, and you are no judge of what that might be right now. So even if you’ve been through exactly what they had, just step back. Let them process, and let them come to you if they want. They will seek you out if they want your opinion.
There’s a whole other kind of people. And these are people that really just don’t want help. Maybe you look at them and think they’re a trainwreck, and if only they would just stop putting themselves in these situations, they could be so happy and drama-free. But that’s not your place, either. Maybe they are miserable. But not everyone wants to get better. And it’s not your responsibility to make sure they do.
So when it comes to you being real and authentic about what you’ve been through, yes, do that. But don’t try to push your narrative on other people. (Even if it’s beautiful and healing and it puts all the pieces together.) It won’t work.
Life after therapy
These are some of the things I wish someone had armed me with when I was leaving therapy. Life after therapy is…wonderful. Beautiful. Vibrant. And sometimes, it’s still stressful and gets dark. But I know that I’m much better off now than I used to be. I’m more emotionally mature and better adjusted, as well as equipped with better ways of handling when things spin out of control. And that’s something to be proud of.
But I want to hear from you. What do you wish someone would have told you, about therapy or about life after it? What gems of wisdom can you share with the rest of us?
