It’s no secret, I’ve talked about therapy a lot on this site. I’ve given you a story of when I was in therapy, a piece on if you should be in therapy, a post on if you should quit therapy, not to mention a smattering of other pieces as well as mentions of therapy in posts where therapy is not the main topic. That’s because it’s been a big part of my getting better, and for those of you who have access and can afford it, I think it could be an important tool for you. (That’s what this is about, after all, expanding our tool belts.) But today, I’m doing something a little different.
Going into therapy and admitting you need help is a big step. (For many, it is also a difficult one.) And so is being in therapy, doing your inner work, and finally, quitting therapy when you decide you’re ready. But I think a lot of us underestimate the struggle that lies beyond: simply living your life, without therapy again. Whether you’re in therapy now, considering starting, or considering quitting, it’s important to give some thought to how you’re going to exist, once this chapter of your life is overwith.
The problem
There are a lot of people who start therapy because they’re really hurting, twisted people and need help regulating their responses to everyday life as well as immense stressors. Their lives are out of control, so they reach out for help. They get diganosed, they get meds, they start therapy and then they hold on for dear life. What they forget is that that’s where the real work begins. Treatment without being held accountable for your own actions isn’t treatment. It’s just slapping a band-aid on top of the wound.
I’ve seen people who get diagnosed, and use it as an excuse for mistreating people, because “look how messed up I am! I can’t help it!” And while I understand being in the throes of an addiction or a mental illness limits us (sometimes to an embarrassing degree), we have to take responsibility for ourselves, and strive to be better, even when we’re struggling. That’s what recovery is. That’s what healthy people do, and that needs to be our goal.
The truth is, a lot of us are a product of our pasts and our environment. We don’t have good role models, or examples. We have these deep emotional wounds, and at some point, yeah we get a little messed up (or a lot). This can lead to a lot of character flaws, bad decisions and honestly, hurtful outbursts. But if we sit and stew in our problems, jabbing at others and the past saying “this is the reason I am the way I am, you did this to me!” we give up our power and we’re never going to improve. It may not be your fault, that you are the way you are. But your healing and improvement is your responsibility. And this is why we can’t be in therapy forever. We need to take control of our lives at some point. So when it comes to therapy, go in, be humble, learn the tools, and then go.
Starting therapy with an end in mind
If you’re just thinking about beginning therapy right now, or if you’ve recently started, it will be helpful for you to figure out a goal. This is something your new therapist can help you with too. The thing is, therapy, while helpful, is only truly helpful if it ends. Now, now, hear me out. Everyone needs a safe place to talk. And for many of us, therapy provides that when our lives really can’t. But the thing is, therapy is an investment. It takes time, effort, money. If you’re just using your therapist’s office as a sounding board for venting, they will collect a paycheck all the same, but you’re not really getting as much out of it.
What if you could live your life on your own, with your own set of tools, and didn’t need to break down on a couch once a week only to pick the pieces up again? Can you imagine how freeing that would be? This is something you can work toward in therapy. Not having a sparkly pristine life, but having the tools to deal with it, when problems inevitably pop up.
So think to yourself or talk to your therapist. What goal are you working towards in your therapy? How will you make reasonable progress toward that goal? And more specifically, how will you know when your therapy has done its job?
In the middle
If you’ve been in therapy for a while, but you still don’t feel ready to graduate from it, you could benefit from this analysis too. Maybe you’ve had some really good breakthroughs over the weeks (or years) that you’ve been there, but now you have a new goal or purpose.
Communicate with your therapist, and work on holding yourself accountable to this goal. It’s okay to have your therapy take a new shape once you’ve grown into different needs. Maybe it started as just needing a safe place to vent but now you find that you really want to work on yourself. That’s okay to have new goals and needs. You’re the one paying for this, after all. And you’re not starting from zero either. Now you’re comfortable with the therpy experience and you have a better idea of what it can offer you. That’s a good starting place.
Quitting therapy
So if you’re just coming from my article about quitting therapy, you may have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to say here. But talk, talk to your therapist! Ask them if they think you’re ready to face the world on your own, and work out a plan together for how you’re going to make that happen. If you get stressed or triggered, what methods have you learned to handle it? What are your go-to self-care habits when you’re stressed or upset? An honest talk about this may be the piece you’re missing, as well as the difference between being self reliant and ending up right back on the therapist’s couch.
Realize that the ultimate goal of therapy is to end it. To be able to live your life on your own in a healthy way, and handle your own affairs. This is just as admirable as any other goal you come up with in sessions, and your therapist (if they are truly worth their salt) will respect this goal, especially if you go about it in a responsible, realistic way.
I hope you got something out of this candid discussion about ending therapy, and living past it. The next part covers what I wish I had known about life after therapy, before I quit. As always, let us know what you think. Do you think there are some people who should just be in therapy for the rest of their lives, or do you agree that when therapy is started, there should also be a goalpost and an end in mind?
