“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I think we’ve all heard this phrase once or twice before in our lives, especially in our younger years. When we’re little, people spend so much time trying to teach us to be nice to one another, so that this world is a better place to live in, but I think it’s time we set the record straight. What we want to be shooting for is true kindness.
Being nice
I wasn’t taught very well to be “nice” or “polite”. It just wasn’t a priority in our household. Although I’ve been trying to develop these skills more in later life in order to better fit in and not offend, something strikes me about them. Both “nice” and “polite” seem to operate off of a system of what not to do. Don’t say this, don’t do that, don’t let on that you know this or that, or that you are a normal human being who has these thoughts or feelings or nature.
And I think this is by design. We bundle ourselves up in our nice, polite customs so that nobody has to be uncomfortable by the messiness that is people. And yes, people are messy. We all have our quirks, wounds, and strange beliefs. We all get unduly hurt or frustrated or confused and sometimes it’s easy to go overboard with “who we are” and “our true selves”.
And when someone else can’t handle a very vulnerable and real part of us, it hurts. So it makes sense that we build up these walls around our feelings and true selves. It’s just less messy, and when we are truly in a relationship with someone, we get a sense of validation because one person out of the vast majority of people in the world “chose this” and “chose us”. That means something to us. And as we get closer to people, often this sense of separation and politeness starts to erode, giving us a chance to have a more intimate connection.
Kindness
But being kind, that’s a completely separate skill. When you’re kind, you’re not looking at the confines of socially appropriate conduct or keeping your distance in order to preserve this “quiet moment”. Being kind has to do with your intentions to do good, your observation that someone is in need of help or connection, as well as consideration for the other person, how they might best receive this gift from you.
Being kind requires a willingness to go outside the flow, to be uncomfortable, to be willing to give a meaningful connection, perhaps outside of what is rational. Perhaps to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Perhaps to someone you don’t know very well. But being open, nonetheless.
If you ask me, being kind is kind of like being a ninja. It requires wisdom, observation, discipline. And true, pure kindness also requires a sense of emotional regulation, and a comfort with not being the one to get the credit or the spotlight. Being kind is not about you.
We need kindness
I don’t like to think of the world or people as “broken”. I feel like that gives up a lot of power that we otherwise would have if we claimed our own wholeness. But there is always a great need in the world around us. So many people are barely keeping themselves afloat in the sea of financial stresses, loss, heartache, abuse and despair. And even with all of these problems, it can be hard to reach out and ask for help, for fear of adding to their problems (or yours) or even simply not knowing how.
When you reach out in kindness, you may not even know it, but you could be the person who brings them back to the emotional surface. You might be the difference between healing and sinking. And even more so, you could be the catalyst someone needs to see the good in the world when it seems so hopeless, not just saving their lives but making them able to help others and be kind to them. We never know how far out our ripples will reach.
Kindness touched me
Over the years, I’ve seen great despair and hopelessness. Nobody could have saved me, and make no mistake, many tried. It didn’t matter what they did, I felt like this world was cold, unsafe, and unfeeling. But during my lowest moments there were a few things that stuck with me instilling doubt in my invulnerable wall of pessimism. Because I remembered all the people who once believed in me, who were patient with me even when I was scared, and who ultimately, loved me in ways that I couldn’t comprehend. Even when they didn’t know me very well or what I was going through. They looked at me and saw the good. And that kept me going.
I want to thank all of you who showed me respect and kindness, even when I didn’t understand it or think I deserved it, because I know some of you are reading this right now. Thank you for loving me when I was difficult, holding me when I was scared, and showing me that this world can be a beautiful place. It’s because of you all that I am who I am today, and it’s because of you that I am alive at all. You give me inspiration to be a better person, and to try and give others what you gave me in those most vulnerable of moments.
You’re not saints. You’re not perfect people, and maybe you’re not even where you want be in your life today, but your ripples have transformed me and sustained me when I was emotionally starved. I am doing all I can to pay your kindness forward. And that’s my point. You don’t have to be a perfect, sagely person to save someone’s life or leave a beautiful mark on this world. You can just be you, with an open heart.
Some ideas to practice kindness
So none of us are probably completely new to the idea of being kind. But some of us are new to the idea of intentionally practicing kindness in our lives. So how do we do that? Well, I’ve got some ideas. Here are some things that I’ve tried, seen, and been on the receiving end of, that have brought those warm feelings into my life and the lives around me.
Compliment people
Compliments are such an easy, small way to get people to smile, but they really do make people’s days. I know when someone tells me they like my shirt (or whatever), I remember it all day, and I feel weirdly good about myself. A good strategy for complimenting people’s appearance is to notice when they make a small change and let them know that it looks nice. They will feel noticed and like their little efforts matter. To compliment someone on a non-appearance related thing, try to figure out what they really value and try to preserve in themselves. If you notice someone really looks up to intellectuals, tell them how smart they are, and so on.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to make people’s lives better with your words, check out my old post called don’t save your love for a rainy day. In it, I go more in depth about giving compliments and how to truly nourish people’s hearts with your words. It’s incredibly empowering and worth a read.
Volunteer
Another simple way to be kind is to give of yourself and your time. You can volunteer at a homeless shelter or an animal shelter to make a direct difference in the world and your community. Or if you aren’t very good with people and social situations, there are ways you can make a difference behind the scenes, like donating items to organizations that are low on funds, or putting your skills out there for free, like knitting gloves for shelters who are low on resources, or painting sets for a community theater.
Volunteering helps you enrich the lives around you, gives you something positive to do with your time, and can be a nice way of meeting new people with a positive, giving mindset. Not only that, but it can help you feel more like you belong and have a place in this big, crazy world around you, and that’s important for your mental and emotional health.
Be courteous
Now, I did just make a point of sorts against niceness and politeness. And I stand by what I said, but sometimes it is just wonderful to be polite and courteous. Pick up something that wasn’t your mess once in a while, or help the person already cleaning up after someone. Saying thank you for a service that someone provides is a lovely gesture that lets them know they’re appreciated.
And every once in a while, pick up a task that you know is not your responsibility for someone who may be struggling or just generally has enough on their plate. It will be pleasing for them to not have that same old thing to worry about, and you get to know that you improved someone’s day.
Give gifts
There are some people who don’t like gifts because they feel like they don’t deserve them or they think it’s wasteful or they would rather pick out their own stuff, but when it comes to gifts, it can be a lovely gesture to pick out a small gift for a friend or acquaintance “just because”. To notice something that someone likes or wants or could use is a beautiful idea, and if you know they would be receptive to something like that, giving them a gift is a lovely thought.
And gifts don’t have to be expensive or the result of some deep sleuthing. You already probably know what your coworker’s favorite food or color (etc) is. You probably know what small items would make your partner’s day easier. Just a small thing to say “hey, I thought of you” can be a big kindness for someone who feels alone or stressed out.
See the good
A positive attitude can go a long way, especially when someone’s trying to learn, grow and improve. Sometimes it’s overwhelming to try to be a better person, and having someone who sees potential in you when you are still failing means a lot.
And seeing the good in the world around you will also mean that you’ll have a perspective that others can’t always access. It will help you give guidance and reassurance to people when they are lost and feeling off track. You having confidence in them and the world around them to have their situation improve is an amazing asset to this world.
Make people feel seen
Part of the human condition is that it’s easy to only pay attention to yourself. You want to make sure you’re taken care of because nobody else seems to understand where you’re coming from. And it’s true, they can’t. And maybe, if you’re lucky and a caring person, this attention radiates out to your friends and loved ones. (Even that is no guarantee.)
And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with this per se. It’s human nature. And it’s just pragmatic. Nobody will ever be able to see things completely from your point of view. That being said though, this tendency leaves a lot of people feeling disconnected and misunderstood. And to be honest, it’s not even that hard to see people as they truly are, at least to a point. You just have to be willing to continually consider that they have a brain full of thoughts and feelings and opinions just like you, and know that often, these leak out and show themselves when you’re looking for them.
When you recognize others for their efforts and values, a beautiful things happens. They start to feel valued, seen, and validated. They start to sparkle like you’ve never seen before, and a little selfish bonus, they like you and are more interested in looking at you as a complex individual. And not just you, but others too. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Always try to do better
And then finally what you can do to practice kindness is always trying to do and be better. You’re going to make mistakes and hurt people and cause harm, but you can always try to improve and become a better version of you. You can improve your skills, your intentions, and your life if you just keep trying.
This will improve the world around you, because you will be improving what you’re putting into it, as well as inspiring the people around you to do the same. It’s important to realize that we’re just people. We’re imperfect and messy, and deeply flawed. But at the same time we can be immensely powerful and make major waves in the world around us.
I just want to thank you all for reading this message today, and for wanting to be better, kinder people. I truly believe that together, we can make this a better world. One little kindness at a time.
