I can’t stand people who are condescending to the mentally ill. They say things like “can’t you just get over it?” and “you’re overreacting, chill out.” These are people who either lack empathy or have no idea what it’s like to have your mind betray you at every turn. And something these people often imply is that you can just choose to be okay when you’re not. So today let’s look at that. Is it true?
I don’t believe that you can choose your feelings like you choose what to wear in the morning. Because if that were true, who would ever choose to feel sad or angry or lonely? It’s dismissive to think that someone should just turn off their feelings for your comfort or convenience, or even that they are able to. Back when I was at my most unhappy, I wished that I could just wear a sign that says, “no, I can’t just turn it off, please leave me alone.”
But the thing about feelings is that they’re not permanent, and they are largely a state of mind. So where is the line? How much of our feelings can we really control, and how much is simply out of our hands?
A metaphor
A psychologist once told me depression is like a grassy field. Each time I thought something, it would leave a footprint or kind of bend the tall grass, and the more I went down one way of thinking, the more the grass would get trod upon. Over time, I wore a footpath of negativity and self-hatred. And what we needed to work on was exercising healthy, positive thought strings to eventually make a footpath of coping, health, and self-appreciation.
Even though being kind to myself and having a positive perspective was so much harder than thinking everything was horrible, I needed to put a lot of hours into wearing down this new footpath, and redirect myself to it at any possible moment.
Practicing this idea
So how do we start our own new footpath? Well, you’ve got to be willing to consider things in ways that don’t feel comfortable right now. Maybe…this annoying thing is fine. It’ll pass, and you’re not that worse off for dealing with it. Maybe this perceived flaw you have is a hidden strength, and you just have to figure out how. Maybe this day was bad, but tomorrow you have another chance.
And that’s how it started for me. A whole lot of maybe’s. Then soon it became less maybe’s and more probably’s. Eventually, even when I was flustered I was able to consider better ideas, and that was so rewarding. But it was a slow victory and some days it really didn’t seem worth it. (If this is where you’re at, you can read my post about that here.)
What thoughts do I choose?
So consider better things, right? But if you’re really far away from that right now, it can be hard to figure out what perspectives to reach for. My advice for choosing a new perspective to try on is this: you can choose to feel a little better or you can choose to feel a little worse. That’s how we build these behemoths of self hatred and doubt in the first place, by following our thoughts that become slightly more negative bit by bit. If we turn it around in the other direction, we can start to see the nuanced path in front of us.
Don’t try to reach for a thought that a “confident” or a “happy” person might have. If you’re a pessimist, you’re not going to be able to connect with that. Instead, look for the thought that makes you feel a bit better. You don’t have to be confident in it, but let that hope flicker inside you. Look for that littlest bit of relief that makes your mind go, “huh.”
It’s not going to be a short journey, but it’ll be worth it. This is how lasting happiness is made. Not by astounding successes and milestone moments, but bit by bit in the quieter in-betweens. Take a deep breath, you can do this. I believe in you. Let’s build our brains together.
