What do you want to do with your life? What do you want your legacy to be? I mean, when you’re on your death bed you don’t want to think, “maybe I shouldn’t have watched so much Netflix” do you? Of course not! You want to get out there and do stuff! Give the world a run for its money while you’re still around.
We all want to do something real with our lives. We want to have experiences and make connections and find meaning. We hear things like “live every day like it’s your last” and that inspires us, because we know that overall, we’re hardly even living. It’s depressing.
The bucket list
And I felt that way too. Like I was unremarkable, insignificant, and like I wasn’t really living. I heard about making a bucket list: things you want to do before you “kick the bucket”, as it were. And I was on fire.
I ripped out a notebook faster than I could blink, and furiously started scratching away with my pen, detailing all the adventures I would have, dictating the twists and turns of this unpredictable life. I challenged myself to really dream big, and not let silly things like negative self talk or probability of being able to achieve it all get in my way. It was like a tornado of latent feelings of passion inside of me that I had squashed down for goodness knows how long.
When I was done riding the wave of passion and hopefulness, it was time to take a look at what I had. I hoped I would travel to distant lands, write a book, perform in an opera, meet someone famous, make a million dollars, buy a personalized bathroom towel. All of those one-off oddball things that one might expect from a person exploring the deepest recesses of their desirous mind.
And after all of the emotion from the brainstorming quieted down, I was left with myself, and this really odd feeling.
Bucket list hangover
When you’re done writing your bucket list, one thing becomes incredibly clear. You’ve got work to do. And it’s true, when it comes to the biggest moments of your life, there’s going to be a lot of lead up. Because everything you’ve ever experienced is built off of the experiences you’ve had previously. Even the seemingly random, spurr of the moment decisions are precipitated by an idea, a desire, and a level of perception about the world around you that you haven’t always had. And when you’re left with these big goals and dreams, you tend to realize that pretty quickly.
Now, a lot of people do see this as a good thing. It can get you moving, acting in your life. Especially if up until now you’ve approached your life more like a spectator sport. It’s an important lesson that you need to start taking the wheel and putting effort into who you are, and who you’re becoming. Ignoring these sorts of things will only serve to keep you stagnant, making you a slightly rotted version of who you’ve always been in time. You don’t want that.
But there’s also a sense of overwhelm and indecision when it comes to these grand scheme plans and hopes and dreams. This exercise makes you come to terms with the fact that there are a whole lot of things in your life that you could be doing and pursuing. Things that you’re not putting effort into right now. And if you’re a reasonably responsible person who likes security over impulsive actions, then you’re probably looking at a lot of things that you haven’t done or pursued. And it can be jarring.
The reality
When it comes down to it, it’s important to do fulfilling things with your life and to keep trying to stretch and grow into who you want to be. You don’t want to end up with a bunch of regrets because you kept putting things off. I think that’s the spirit that was originally behind this exercise, whoever first made it up.
That being said, life isn’t just the milestones that you reach and the failures that you cringe over. When you really look at it, life is made up of all the little imperceptible moments in between. And this is what I’m trying to get at here for a moment. Maybe you want to write a book, for instance. You want to write an amazing book that’ll take you to the top of the best sellers list a week after it’s released. People will finally know who you are, love you even though they don’t know you, and of course, you’ll be happy and fabulously rich, right? Okay.
But do you like writing? Do you want to spend months of early mornings and late nights typing away into a word document, editing and revising? Do you want to stay in with your laptop and a cup of coffee instead of meeting your friends for a night on the town? Is this how you want to spend your time and effort? If not, then maybe this idea of writing a book really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.
And it’s not just big goals like that. Like maybe you find out that who you really are isn’t compatible with all of these grandiose ideas that you feel your life is too plain without. Maybe you’ve just been told this is what success and fulfillment looks like, and since you’ve never had it, you’ve also never questioned it.
An alternative
So what’s the big fix here? If a bucket list isn’t going to help us improve our lives, what am I suggesting? Right? Well, I would say that the alternative to a bucket list is mindfulness. Let me explain.
When I said that life is truly made up of the little moments all strung together, I meant it. If you’re not really immersed in these little in between moments, even if you get these big milestones, I’m not sure you’re really living your life.
And I know this approach isn’t nearly as glamorous. You probably won’t get more instagram likes for singing in the shower and enjoying your afternoon snack as opposed to just counting the calories and moving on. You’re not going to get a bunch of recognition for being the most present person at the office or for giving your dog an extra pat. They’re not going to call you a legend, and heck, these aren’t even accomplishments. It’s hardly a way to live an “amazing life”. But it’s the only way to actually live your life, instead of just having it happen to you.
What about success?
I’m not trying to say you should forego all goals and things that you don’t adore in the moment. There are definitely things worth pushing through until you make the grade. But even then, you should be present for the process. Tune into your reality. You’ll learn faster and you’ll make memories.
Success and big dreams are not opposite from mindfulness. You can make plans for the future staying fully rooted in the present, especially when those plans reflect a need or desire that stems from your present situation, which most things do. You need to learn and grow and evolve. All I’m saying is that while you do that, be here now. Let yourself be immersed in your life as it exists now, and trust that as you pick threads of passion, you’re preparing yourself for your next big scene or life chapter.
The anti-bucket list
I’ve made up my own exercise in response to this problem with the bucket list. I’ve called it the anti-bucket list, just to be clear about what I’m trying to combat here, but you don’t have to call it that. What an anti-bucket list is conceptually, is just a list of things that you’re pretty certain are going to happen in the near future that you want to be more present for. Not all of these things are exciting or even positive, but it’s important to get into the habit of noticing and experiencing your life as it goes by, and one way to do that is by selecting things to be on the lookout for.
Here’s my anti-bucket list for today as an example:
-I’ll smell something
-my partner will look at me
-I will eat my lunch
-I’ll try to make someone smile
-I’ll see something green
-I’ll stretch my muscles when I feel stiff
It’s an easy enough exercise. And once you’ve put a few things on your list, you’re good to go. Now just live your day and be on the lookout for these things. When they happen, make a concerted effort to focus on the experience and feel whatever it is fully. This will get you moving in the right direction as far as being present in your day to day life. And as you’re building up this practice of noticing and feeling things, supplement it with following small passions and curiosities. Trust that you will lead yourself to your next big thing.
That’s not saying you can’t seek out big, awesome experiences. But I promise you, these things will bring you greater satisfaction and fulfillment in the moment, and set you up for these bigger esperiences when you’re finally ready for them. So have fun, be present, and notice your life as it flows through you!
