Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Thoughts that Bind. You may be looking at the title of this post and think it’s incredibly simple. And I agree with you, the concept is simple. But actually putting it into practice is incredibly difficult for many of us. So let’s take a trip down memory lane.
Catching you up
Now a lot of you have been reading this blog for a while, and will remember our old tagline:In pursuit of a better life. Since then, we’ve re-branded to “Living life as it comes”. I’ve written a whole two part piece on that change already, which you can find here, if you like. But today, I want to come back to that concept, because it’s incredibly important.
If you just came from reading my two-part series on our taglines, welcome back. For those of you who haven’t, I’ll give you a quick catch-up version. I used to be completely miserable going about my life. I had to decide that I was going to work my butt off to get better and feel better and fight against this big raincloud hovering over me. Then, as I got a little further down the road, I had to find a new sort of acceptance, for the present moment. And I talk a lot about mindfulness and presence and that sort of thing, it’s a beautiful practice.
The point in all of this is one simple thread though. When I was depressed, I was continually pushing back against my sadness. And after I got better, I was still pushing back against something: be it my happiness, the mundane of the everyday, or, on the bad days, my sadness yet again. And I understand why.
Out of control
I know that largely, I didn’t get to feeling better by just accepting my feelings and staying there, luxuriating in them. I felt I had to walk away from myself, in a way. Just abandon what I thought and felt, in search of a better way. And a lot of people feel that. Our feelings seem…inconvenient and wild. And if we surrender to them, it feels like a loss of control. We want to be in control.
The thing is, if you don’t get in touch with your feelings, and stay in touch, you’re cutting off a major part of your life. Because life will never cease to give us feelings, of all sorts–positive and negative. (And ultimately, it took me coming back to accepting and acknowledging my feelings to more fully heal. Even the “bad” ones.) Whether we like to admit it or not, feelings and emotions are a message, from our brains and bodies, to ourselves and the other part of our brains that wants to just rationalize and explain everything away. But feelings can’t be explained away. Only repressed or accepted. This doesn’t mean that we give in to every rash impulse. But it does mean that we feel them.
Is it better?
I’ve already written a piece on the importance of getting in touch with your emotional side. It’s a really run read if you want to give it a look. You can find it here, it’s called “Why on earth would I want to feel my feelings?” But the short answer is, when you’re in touch with your feelings, you have a better idea of what you want and need, which is, in my opinion, the first step to getting it or creating it.
Not only that, but living without that emotional awareness sucks. You can’t connect with others the same way, and your efforts to further your own agenda continually fall short due to lack of self awareness in many facets.
But most of all, I want to say this. Your feelings will come out, sometime and somehow. And if you keep pushing them back down, they’re going to come out in unconscious ways. You won’t be able to follow your own thought process and logic, because you act from a place of ignoring half your data points. This, as much as it’s uncomfortable to admit, is the antithesis of true logic. Feelings can be messy, yes, but they’re messier if you try to shove them off in a corner all the time.
Why now?
I’m bringing this concept back up because we’re all having a lot of feelings right now. A lot of us are feeling trapped inside, or worried about money, or scared for our loved ones, or lost in the uncertainty about future plans. We’re all…feeling a lot. And it’s incredibly strong.
I’m seeing it come in from everywhere, this concept of “just distract yourself from your feelings”, “play this game, watch this video, just remember to stay inside and wash your hands”. And I’m not above a good distraction, believe me, I’m just like any of you. But I’ve been around the block for long enough to know that simple distraction…it isn’t enough to deal with these strong feelings that so many of us are bound to be having right now.
Please don’t wallow in sadness or panic or anything like that, it helps no one. But it’s not a bad idea to acknowledge your feelings. To let them bubble to the surface and sit with them for a little bit, and let them inform your decisions alongside logic and public health recommendations. If you’re missing your friends, check in on them. If you’re worried about your grandparents, give them a call, ask if they need anything from you and tell them you love them. Don’t just avoid these things because they’re scary and uncomfortable. The virus might hurt you, but admitting you’re scared of it won’t.
Moral of the story
If this is just a normal day for you, this concept still applies. Life makes us feel things. These feelings are information. And if you want to be well informed (and healthy), then letting yourself access these feelings is important.
If you’re having a good day but you remember a grudge from 5 years ago, you don’t need to go along with it. It’s okay to just let yourself be happy in the moment you’re in, even though you were hurting for so long, or made a stupid mistake. It’s okay to just take this moment simply for what it is. Because ultimately, you don’t really have anything else.
And if right now you’re going through something, a loss or struggle, it’s equally okay to get in touch with that emotion. Let it make you cry. Let yourself be sad for a little while, if that is what you’re feeling. And if you have a support system behind you, don’t feel guilty about reaching out. People care about you and want to keep you feeling okay if possible.
Today, I just want to affirm for you. You matter. Your feelings are valid, and they matter. And you deserve your own compassion and love. So let yourself and others be there for you, if you’re feeling worried or sad. And let yourself be there for others out of genuine care. Because ultimately, the best things in this life are the connections you make. And you can only make those go both ways from a genuine place. You don’t have to fight against what is. Just live in it, the best you can.
