Sometimes it’s harder to stand still than it is to take action and stand up for yourself. And today, I want to speak to that, as a skill-an important skill.
We hear so much about bravery these days. About how standing up for yourself and speaking your truth is such a brave thing to do, and I agree with that. When everyone seems to be against you, speaking up, acting on your needs, and living in your truth can be a beautiful act of bravery. But I don’t think it’s the only admirable way of dealing with life stressors.
Standing up
When I was younger, I had a hard time speaking up for myself. If ever someone wanted to push their ideas and feelings on me, regardless of my wants or needs at the time, I would take them on. I would crumble underneath the pressure, cry, then just do whatever they said.
And I’m not ashamed of this response I had. It came from a pure place. Knowing that I wanted and needed different things than what others wanted for me made me very upset, because I wanted to see them happy. And that was why I would cry.
But just because the response came from a pure place doesn’t mean that it didn’t need to be worked on. I needed to learn the lesson of my own worth. And learn I did.
I began a long course in trying to be forthcoming about my wants and needs, even in the face of opposition and invalidation. (As in, “your feelings can not change my needs”.) As I learned how to say what I needed though, I realized that this isn’t the whole story.
After you stand up
You can tell people your wants and needs until you’re blue in the face, but sometimes they’re not willing to listen. To be honest, your words can only get you so far. And it’s at this point where many of us get to thinking that if they won’t listen, then it’s time for action, to show them just how serious you are.
Now I’m not going to argue with you, there is a place for action. It’s just not always as much action as we’ve been led to believe. If someone knows your boundaries and how you expect them to treat you but still falls short, then it’s important for you to acknowledge this behavior in some way, at least to yourself. You don’t want to go around burying your head in the sand grasping for a bit of hope.
And you may want to remove yourself from the situation, at least temporarily, to get your bearings. To many, this would seem a big action. But I would argue it’s not. It’s important to give yourself a little space so that you can think, and figure out where you’re at, and how you wish to respond.
Taking action
I’ve noticed something in interactions today, this society that we’re creating, it’s an interesting place. We get quite offended about a lot of little things. Now I’m not telling you that your shouldn’t be so offended. I think you have every right to feel however it is you do. But immediately following an offense, there’s a very common frantic reaction, and this goes for everyday situations, not just Twitter wars.
Something happens, and we talk to our friends and loved ones trying to get some validation, some direction, some something. We tell people off, we get louder and louder trying to be heard, we formulate plans, bulk up our research and basically do whatever we can to feel like we’re right.
And we pursue this being right because we conflate it with being “okay”. We’re hoping that if we’re right (or justified) then we won’t feel as bad inside. And so we do whatever we can to reach that conclusion, which sometimes involves a great amount of action.
Standing still
It was only recently I had this realization: I need to let myself take care of myself, regardless of what others think of that. If I let myself be so bothered by someone’s disapproval of my needs, that’s another way of denying them.
When we experience something that violates a boundary of ours, it’s important to take a step back and check in with ourselves. When you give too much credence to someone’s aggression toward your need, you are betraying yourself in a way. The best way to care for yourself is to just (simply) focus on that as a priority. And no, it’s really not always easy.
But when we give ourselves that second to stand still in all of our discomfort, pain, fear, or anger, we find what it is we’re truly looking for on a deeper level. Not to mention that giving yourself the space to cool off will help you interact in a better, healthier way if you do decide to engage later.
Standing firm
If you get really good at this practice, eventually, you may not even need to remove yourself. You’ll be able to give yourself emotional space right in front of these people who are making you so uncomfortable.
Instead of reacting or getting away, you’ll be able to stand your ground in silence while you figure out how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and how you’d like to react.
There’s something so powerful about this silence. You’re not condoning their rude/disrespectful behavior, but you’re not letting them have the power over you either. This may indeed be the ultimate response to malicious behavior, at least in the short term. It shows strength and emotional maturity. Although it won’t happen overnight—it does take a while to get there.
Your power starts here
And I think this is what we mean by standing in your power. We spend so much time and effort trying to react well. Yet you have the power not to react, but to respond.
It’s okay to stand up for yourself or what you know to be right in the face of injustice or disrespect. But you don’t need to go whole hog every time there is a perceived threat. As you learn to pause and give yourself a quiet moment to check in, you’ll be able to make your move in return, and you will be more likely to look back on it with pride, because it will come from the strong, tactful, wise part of you.
This is not weakness or letting your opponent temporarily win. In fact, it’s strength. It shows great emotional power to be able to withstand emotional distress when it seems like there is a threat currently present. This temporary measure yields something far greater than any immediate reaction you may be able to muster. This means getting back in touch with your true power, and your true nature, before you respond.
So remember, when you’re hurt of angry or offended, give yourself that buffer of a quiet moment to stand still before you decide to stand up. You will be a better advocate for both yourself and others.
