For many, fear is a straightforward response. Something is proposed, we become afraid, we avoid it, the end. But if you’ve made some sort of decision not to give into fear, it can get a little more complicated than that.
I used to have a very streamlined relationship with fear. Something would happen, I would get scared and then immediately shut down to whatever opportunity had been presented.
This fearful response can come from many places, and get acted on in a multitude of different ways. For me, it was most common to just avoid things. It was like I would disappear into the background and wait for the situation to pass.
I was then given some sort of vague awareness around how much I was letting fear run my life. This awareness made me investigate this response until I was quite content with my understanding of it. I finally got it. I was able to see when it was happening in my life, even in small ways.
Your legacy
And I was determined not to let my fears run my life. I’ve seen lives ruined and dreams deferred due to people living in fear and I just don’t want that to be the way my life story goes. I want to be the person who went out there and lived, regardless of the fear.
It’s not just about what I’m known for either. I think half of your legacy is about what you create. The other half is how you feel about it—about your life, once you’ve lived it. And I’ve already seen how much of my life has been side-stepped by fear. I’m still young. I don’t want to watch the rest of my life pass me by because I’m too scared to reach for the next thing.
A resolute idea. These fears simply cannot take over my life. I just won’t let them. And so it began, this new sort of existence of “feel the fear and do it anyway.”
How we handle fear
In some ways, I’ve never felt as much fear as when I’m facing it. I think I used to bow down to my fears as a way of cutting off the uncomfortable sensation as soon as possible.
But I’m starting to realize that it’s more nuanced than that. Because yes, when I force myself to face my fears I do put myself in the line of fire for the maximum adrenaline rush possible each time. It all comes to a boil and once I’ve gotten past the scary situation, it takes a bit to come back down.
Yet every time I do this, get all up in the face of my fears, I give myself one more reason to believe in myself over my fears. Each little bit of proof stitched together over time until hopefully, I believe in myself, that I’m able to take on what life has in store for me. (If you’re interested in this idea of taking the little moments put together to get a bigger, positive conclusion about yourself, then you should check out my old post, “It probably won’t be glamorous”. It’s a very honest piece about the monotony of recovery and self improvement.)
Sneaky fears
And with this idea, perspective shift or challenge, however you want to put it, I’ve definitely gotten more comfortable with the idea that I’m going to be doing things that I’m scared of. I’ve gotten more used to saying, “scary…oh screw it, I’ll show you who’s boss” then giving the fear a run for its money. Not that I always succeed but I’m getting better at it.
That being said, the longer I’ve cemented this idea into my head that “I am going to face my fears”, the more this strange, subtle expression of said fears tends to crop up. And I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Instead of the initial scare response, it’s become subdued, almost like a curiosity feels. And instead of “I’m not doing that”, my mental scripts will say things more like, “that’s not a good idea because of (xyz etc.,)”. My brain tries to convince itself that it’s not scared of whatever it is—it’s just a reasonable rational thinker. Yeah right.
Pervasiveness of sneaky fears
And this is where you all come in. Maybe you started off further down the path than I did. Maybe you’ve always known that you didn’t want your fears to rule you. If this is you, I commend you. I’m actually kind of jealous. You got a head start on me, that’s for sure.
But maybe you’ve yet to observe this response in yourself. I see it in grownups all the time. We tell ourselves and each other that we don’t have time, talent, or some other nebulous trait. Or we say that the opportunity just isn’t a good one. But that’s not the truth, we’re just really scared of our life moving forward and we think that we’re not ready for it.
It’s just a bunch of excuses, and yet we tend to let ourselves and our friends just spout off a bunch of crap, not even calling it out. Because we’re scared, or we see they’re scared and we know what it’s like to be there.
And so I just want to ask you the question: how many of the bad opportunities that you’re facing are actually decent opportunities that you’re afraid of? If you were to actually call yourself out on your own bullshit, how would your life be different? Please, at least think it over. Because your life, your legacy, your destiny depends on it.
Deciphering excuses
If you find yourself blinded by your own excuses, how can you crawl out? I’ll be honest, I haven’t found a good streamlined approach yet. Maybe one day I will have a really great, efficient answer for you guys so you don’t have to go through all of the painstaking trial and error like I have (and will), but so far the best advice I have is to hack through the jungle of your mind.
What I mean is, if you find yourself trying to convince yourself that you aren’t scared of something, that probably means you’re scared of it. And instead of being so embarrassed by the idea that you push that awareness away, follow it. Figure out exactly what you’re thinking, where you’re coming from, and if your “concerns” really hold any weight. They might. They might be the most valid conclusion, even. But what you’ll often find that while your concerns are valid, they’re covering up the benefits of the situation. Because you’re scared.
And this is where another level of mental work takes place. Because it’s fine to turn down an opportunity. It’s fine to be scared or concerned. And it’s also fine to turn down an opportunity because you’re scared or concerned. Everyone has their own boundaries, and not everything is worth saying yes to. But it’s your job to be honest with yourself, if you so choose it. Because no one else can build your life for you. And if you deep down inside want something but you avoid it because you’re scared, no one can undo that for you either.
It may be some extra work, to maintain this level of self awareness and commitment to call yourself out, but I think it will mostly lead to good experiences and more growth, for all who take it on. I hope that you’re inspired to at least flirt with the idea, and to follow along as I make it more and more a part of my life.
