Can love last forever?!

   I think deep down many of us are very weary of people who don’t work out, love that we lose. We want to find our “person”, and just…live happily ever after already! Yet when we look at the examples of love and companionship around us, we’re left feeling something short of assurance. 

You may remember a while back, the Thoughts that Bind decided to put on a competition, to find a new tagline. And find one we did, “Living life as it comes”. The wonderful winner of that contest (who has chosen to remain anonymous) has requested this post, entitled “Can love last forever?” I hope to be able to do the subject justice. And so, without further ado, let’s begin the discussion. 

Most relationships don’t last

   When we look at the average relationship, one thing is exceedingly clear—it ends. The majority of relationships don’t make it long term, certainly not to marriage. And increasingly, marriages are also not “going the distance”. 

   Looking at this, it’s easy to wonder about lasting love. Is it real? And if it is, how can we get it? Because most people want a long term love that withstands the tests of time and struggle. So how do we figure this out? What are we missing?

What are we doing wrong?

   I think there’s a lot of strange expectations that we have on partners these days. Like, we want them to be a great lover, but also our best friend, but also take care of us like a good parent would. And if that’s not enough, we also expect them to have all the same interests and goals as us. We expect them to always be there for us—unconditional love—no matter how we act or treat them. 

   And when we’re first getting involved with someone new, we hardly ever consider what a bad day might look like. Naively we ignore the fact that there are definitely going to be ups and downs if we are together for any appreciable amount of time. 

   Because of all of these things we overlook, when we’re faced with these situations, we can get a little bit shell shocked, and even more so, we hardly think of preparing for them or at least learning how to respond when they inevitably show up. This can spell disaster, for both us and our partners. 

What about divorce?

   I don’t claim to be an expert on marriage or divorce (mainly because I have experienced neither), but in some of the marriages that have ended I’ve noticed some patterns. 

   For instance, sometimes one partner will marry because they think they “should” for whatever reason, even if they’re not totally into it. This almost certainly leads to a split down the line, even if the reasons were compelling like they already had kids together or they knew they wanted to get married to someone someday and figured it might as well be this person. If you’re not 100% in this new marriage, it likely won’t last. 

   Another tendency I notice is the ignoring of red flags. One partner may mistreat the other, and if this is not addressed and rectified, it can easily become a dynamic between the two of you. For years. That’s not to say that everyone will become abusive if not challenged and redirected. But if you simply let people treat you how they want without recourse when you’re hurt, a lot of them will just continue to do so. And if you ignore this, tolerate it, you can easily end up in a bad marriage.  If you’re interested in reading more about boundaries, you can check out this post that I wrote a while back.

   Finally, another negative dynamic that easily can crop up is lack of communication. If both parties aren’t mutually invested in keeping each other in the loop in all areas of life, misunderstandings and growing apart can become the bulk of what’s left of the relationship. And communication can always improve, of course. At the very least, it needs to be prioritized by all involved. 

Not everyone’s a good match

 But not every partnership is built to last in the first place. We like to think that as long as there is love, you have the necessary tools to last the test of time, but that’s just not true. 

   If your partner has a different idea of what kind of teasing is appropriate, or they abuse you physically or have a habit of making you feel afraid or insignificant, then they’re not the person for you. 

   It’s not all about toxicity or abuse, either. Sometimes your ways of existing just are incompatible, or your values or priorities oppose each other. And it’s during these times that you have a tough decision to make. How much are you willing to sacrifice to be with this person? And are the things you would sacrifice absolutely important to your life and who you are as a person? If so, then it may be time to move on. 

   Just because you are not ultimately compatible with someone doesn’t mean you don’t care about them or wish them the best. It just means that you both are better off finding a better match. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that. You don’t want to hold each other back from your needs just because you love each other. We all deserve to be able to go after the life we want and need. 

Success stories

   Now, I’ve seen examples of couples who have definitely “gone the distance”. These are older couples who have been together 50, 60 years and still are very much in love. And whenever I see these couples I think, “what do they have? How did they get there?” What I find tends to be pretty consistent no matter the couple. If they are still together and happy after more than 40 years or so, they all have certain similarities. 

   They understand that there are going to be bad days, and when they come they weather them together. They don’t take the other’s stress as an insult and understand that periodically, tension is normal. I wrote another piece on this weathering that takes place in long term relationships (not limited to romantic one) and how to practice it, which you can find by clicking this link if you are interested.

   Another thing I see consistently with these couples is that they make sure that the other person always knows how important and special they are. They still celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. And they still call each other pet names and hold hands. (So don’t save your love for a rainy day.)

   These couples know that the little things are what gets you through the hard times, and so get through the hard times they do. Whether it’s financial stress or a loss in the family, they are there for each other in a very simple yet special way. It’s lovely to see. 

   Another thing I see in these couples is the tendency to be gentle with each other. Now each one has their own flavor. For some it means they don’t tease, for others it just means that they realize the soft spots and are supportive there (even protective when necessary). But either way, these couples have each other’s backs emotionally, and that builds a strong bond. 

Can your love last forever?

   I’m not an expert on love by any means, and certainly not on forever love. But I have made some observations that I think are good tip-offs that your relationship could go the distance. So here are some things to think about if you’re really looking to figure out if you have your forever love. 

1. You may love each other, but do you like each other? When you see them just chilling out and honing their skill or hobby, do you appreciate that side of them? You don’t have to be interested in the same things as them but you do have to encourage their passions, and vice versa. 

2. Can you talk to them about anything? In life there are some really sticky situations and when you’re part of a partnership they need to be addressed as a unit. You can’t leave your other half in the dark about wanting to change your life plan completely. You need to approach things as a team to have a healthy, balanced relationship, and it’s important to hone that dynamic from the beginning. 

3. Do you love them even when they mess up? If your “love” for this person is going away whenever they make a mistake then they’re either not the one or you’re not ready for the one. Obviously nobody’s perfect, but life has a way of throwing things at us that are frankly, beyond our areas of expertise. Nobody is going to know how to do everything the first time (or even the first few times). 

4. Do you want the best for them? There is a subtle dynamic going on in society where we’ve decided that it’s important to focus on the self first. And I’m for that in general but when you’re in a long term relationship it isn’t all about you. If you only want the best for your significant other when it’s also the best for you, it’s time to consider if you’re really in this for a long term partnership or you just want the benefits of a relationship without having to do any of the heavy lifting. Because yes, relationships are work sometimes, and compromise, and you have to be willing to give up some of what you want so that you both can be happy. 

5. Do you know how to have fun together in the little moments? Life is made up of little moments. Little things here and there. And while there are important milestones too, I would argue that how you feel in between them is vastly more important in a relationship. If you and your partner can make each other laugh and have fun and relax together in the little moments in between, that’s what it’s really all about. That’s what we’re all really searching for in a love connection. 

In a nutshell

   All of these things go both ways. You can’t cultivate these “virtues” in your relationship by yourself. But if you’re both devoted to each other and this partnership, then you can both improve your relationship from each side and watch it blossom and grow richer. 

   When you’re a good match and have a sense of trust, respect, and awe for each other, you’ll find that the problems of life still come but you are better able to handle them together instead of watching everything crashing down. And this is what being a good partner is all about. You have to own your stuff, be willing to compromise, listen and grow, and so does your partner. The two of you will need to be willing to see the best in each other and find an outlook on daily life that suits you as a couple. 

Love, in my life

Someday, I hope to be able to truly answer the question, “can love last forever?” And I hope to be able to wholeheartedly answer, “Yes”, from experience. Until then though I, just like you all, have to consider myself a student of love. I’m going to let it teach me and touch me as it continues to shape my life. (If you’re interested in what impact love has had on my life and what lessons I’ve learned so far, you can find my top 12 lessons from my best relationship here.)

   If you’re in love with your best friend now, I wholeheartedly congratulate you, and encourage you to do what you can to make that last. If you’re not, don’t worry about it, not now. Let’s all just experience love in the forms we find it—self love, family love, friend love, and so on and so forth. Let’s celebrate love in all its facets and let ourselves marvel when it does come to us. Thank you, my dear readers, for the love you give me. I hope that you know you guys have a very special place in my heart. 

And if you are an expert in love or relationships (or broken hearts) and find yourself with some good tips for creating a lasting happy love connection, please share with us in the comments below! We all would love to learn from you!