I’m a month and a half into my challenge, and I’ve got a lot to say. You can find my initial post about this challenge here and last week’s update here. Without further ado, let’s get into it.
A month and a half ago, I was shaken awake from my long-held paradigm. I realized that I didn’t want to be living in fear, and realized that I really was. I knew something needed to change and so I resolved to fix that by committing wholeheartedly to facing my fears. And my goodness, there were a lot of them. It’s been a ride and I’ve learned a lot, but lately things have taken a turn. I think this challenge might be over.
What I’ve learned
I’ve actually learned a lot over the last month and a half. I was able to dig more deeply into what I was afraid of and why. I learned that a lot of my fears aren’t really worth their salt upon examination. And I’ve learned that even if I have a good reason to be afraid of something, that doesn’t mean that I should avoid it or give into my fears. Because a lot of times the bulk of this feeling of fear is baseless, and I’ll get a lot out of the experience if I dive in headfirst. Or maybe not even headfirst, but for sure, slide in there and attempt to do something about it.
I learned how fear streamlines my decision making. It helps me bypass some difficult and uncomfortable thoughts, and I’ve started using it way too much as a crutch or an excuse for when I don’t want to be held accountable for my lack of knowledge or experience or even capability. If I just avoid things because I’m afraid, I never have to cop to any of that.
I’ve started to get real with myself, and catch when I’m avoiding doing something just because I’m scared. Even better, I’ve started being able to know when I’m holding myself back from something that, deep down inside, I actually want. And I think I’m going to really benefit from that as new things get introduced to me in life.
My growth
I started off kind of idealistic about this challenge. I thought that I would just charge at my fears one by one and soon enough I just wouldn’t be scared anymore. And you know, some things were like that. But a lot of them weren’t. While you can desensitize yourself to handling the world around you, there are some things you’re just going to be afraid of, and I’m starting to realize that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
As the challenge went on, I found myself being afraid of less everyday sorts of things. I began being more honest with myself and the people around me, and got more comfortable expressing myself even when I felt vulnerable. And it wasn’t just because I needed to get more comfortable with other people knowing how I truly felt about things. It was because I needed to get more comfortable with expressing how I felt and what I wanted, regardless of how other people might interpret it.
I’m proud to say that I’ve faced a lot of fears in this past month and a half. I’ve begun to know myself better than I ever have before, and I’ve gotten more comfortable expressing myself in new ways. I’m not embarrassed to say that I didn’t get over all of my fears during this challenge, either. I’m still scared of some things. And some days pass where I still get scared for bad reasons. But I’ve developed a tool for handling it.
One, I analyze my fear. Is it practical? Is there good reason for it? Two, is it something I actually want in my life that I’m keeping myself from? And three, is it something I can safely pursue, if I put enough learning and effort into? And those three questions often give me the answer of, “you go girl, chase that thing”. When that time comes, I know what I have to do. And if I find that it’s not a worthy risk, then I just don’t bother.
Why finish the challenge?
Now that brings up why I’m deciding to more or less end the challenge. Obviously, this has been a great learning experience for me, and six weeks is kind of a weird cut off point, so what gives? Well, it’s that question of balance again. As much as I needed the tough love aspect of this endeavor, I don’t want my life to be a “challenge” per se. And I think I’ve pushed a little too far past the point of helpfulness with this one.
There’s been an aspect of hypervigilance to this whole ordeal. I try to keep tabs on my emotional state all day, all the time. And it’s important to keep yourself accountable, but at this level it’s just starting to become too much. I want to be able to enjoy my day without this sort of filter on it, enjoy myself and my own company without the constant question in the back of my head, “am I choosing this or am I just scared?” And plus, if you look hard enough for anything, you’ll find it. Like, I’m scared of death overall, but does that mean that I should be questioning my want to take care of myself and be healthy (thus putting my death off for as long as possible)? I don’t think so.
I’ve gotten too immersed in this spartan-esque theme of erradicating my fears and “crushing it”, that I’ve become suspicious of enjoyment for its own sake. Everything something’s fun or comfortable I have too hard a time connecting with it, concerned that I might be settling out of fear. And this has sort of put me in a small tailspin I need to correct immediately before it gets out of control. It just goes to show you, too much of anything is not a good thing, even when it comes to bravery and introspection.
Me and fear, moving forward
I don’t expect to run my life like a challenge moving forward. I’m not going to reflect every week on the stuff that made me scared and if I got a leg up on it. And I’m certainly not going to keep a running tally of my fears faced anymore, that’s too much. But I have learned something. A trick, if you will. I’ve learned what it feels like to be hesitating out of fear. And I’ve seen firsthand what pushing back against that can do (i.e., a whole lot of good). So from now on when I see myself faltering, I’ll know where it’s coming from. And I’ll have the understanding of the benefits of pushing past it.
I still don’t want to live my life in fear or let myself be overrun with it. But I think at some point the only way of being free of a bad habit is to see a new paradigm, and let it go as you happily meander in that new direction. And that’s what I’m hoping to do now.
This life I’m walking into won’t be one devoid of fear. No, that’s unrealistic. But it will be one of vibrance and enjoyment. And when fear crosses my path, I won’t be entirely beholden to it. I’ll have the tools to “feel the fear and do it anyway”. I’m not declaring war on fear. I’ve decided that I’m just going to live my life over in this direction and not pay it so much attention, for goodness sakes.
I hope you liked following along on my journey with me. And that you grew alongside me a little bit as we explored our fears together.
