Challenging my fears: five whole weeks

   So I’ve reached the end of the fifth week in battling my fears. If you want to go back and read the initial challenge, click here. And if you missed last week’s update, click here.

The week’s review

   Last week ended on a pretty positive note, I had my first full day where I wasn’t scared or nervous at all. And I wish I could say that this week brought more days like that but it didn’t. I don’t mind though, because I’m working up to it. All in all, I’m pretty proud of myself this week. I managed to face my fears much more consistently as they came up. And although there were more of them this week and I was stressed about it, I’m proud of my progress– I’ve been able to come out the other side unharmed. I didn’t really have any moments where I felt like I avoided the things I was afraid of. 

My successes

   What I’m most proud of this week is kind of conceptual in nature, but I’m beginning to build on what I said at the end of week three. This week instead of just taking the initiative to do the things I wanted, I began asking others for their cooperation when they were able to give me something that I would prefer. I don’t expect people to always say yes to me, but even pushing myself to ask for the things I want has been a longtime struggle. I’m beginning to tackle that, and it is intense. It’s nerve-wracking, but empowering, because sometimes they say yes happily. And even when they don’t, they understand me better and are able to offer better emotional support in the long run.

   I think this is an evolution, to be sure. And obviously still a work in progress, but I look forward to the day when I am able to enjoy my likes and wants, unironically and unguarded. Because it really is a simple concept that doesn’t need to be so private. 

My struggles

   This week I noticed a stark difference between responding and reacting. Sometimes when fear comes in, you don’t have a choice, you need to move the situation forward somehow. And then the question becomes, do you respond or react? When you react you just have a feeling and move forward with it, seeing where it goes. But when you respond, you observe the situation as objectively as possible, and consider what direction you’d like to pursue. It’s my goal to become more responsive. 

   I realize that often enough I just react to a situation, which is how I got into this whole mess with fear to begin with, but it’s not just about fear. I think sometimes I just react because I genuinely don’t know which direction I want to go in, and a reaction will automatically take me somewhere (although often not the best place). I think it’s easy to throw our hands up in the air and refuse to take responsibility because we “didn’t know any better”. And that’s fair, we didn’t. But if we had sat down and thought things out maybe we would’ve ended up in a different place. 

   I think I’ve reacted to things too much over the years already. It’s extra work, but it’s time to respond. Responding means stopping and taking a time out even though your heart is racing. It means that even though you’re upset you’re going to look at this rationally (or at least try to). And it means taking responsibility for your actions, your wants, and your feelings, even in the face of your fears and concerns. I think that my loved ones, and my life, deserve a response. Not a reaction. What do you think?

The next post marks the end of my fear challenge! To finish off the series with me, reflect on my challenges and what I’ve ultimately learned, click here.