Well hello there! I’m incredulous, but I’ve just finished the fourth week of my fear challenge and I can’t believe it has been one month already! I feel like nothing has changed and yet everything has at the same time. If you’re not familiar with my fear challenge, you can start by reading this post. And if you’re not up to date with last week’s installment, click here. Now let’s get into it!
One month, start to finish
As I said from the beginning I’m not sure how long this challenge is going to go for, and I wasn’t even sure I’d still be doing this one month out. But I am. And nothing big has changed in my life. I have the same home, same partner, same job. I like my life in general, and I felt the same to begin with. I’m proud of the blessings and accomplishments that surround me. But when I started I felt like something was missing. I’m not sure when it happened but I had become a very scared person. And while there’s nothing morally wrong with that I felt like it was dulling my sparkle. Turns out, I was right.
Over this month I’ve done a lot of things that have made me feel wrongfully uncomfortable. I’ve talked to strangers, ordered food, danced badly in public, and just generally did all the things I was too embarrassed to do before. Some of it has been empowering, some embarrassing and some enlightening, but I’ve committed to it and it’s progressing nicely. I’ve become more aware of the things that I want in the moment and in life.
The crazy thing
So on the very last day of my fourth week of the challenge I had this very lovely experience. It was subtle, but perception altering. I had one day of just pure existence. I don’t know how else to put it. I went to work, did all the things that I’ve been doing that often embarrassed scared or worried me…and I didn’t feel embarrassed, scared or worried. At all. This wasn’t a comfortable day inside my protective bubble. It was instead a day where everything was very simple.
And this shift in my state of being was much welcomed. Suddenly, the fact of mere existence just stood on its own–both mine and others’. It didn’t seem in constant threat or like there were high stakes. Things simply were or were not. And maybe I looked silly or they didn’t like my dancing or found my good mood annoying. Maybe not. But the idea didn’t hold any power over me, and it was so sweet.
This only held for a day, and then I was back to my normal, kind of nervous disposition. But it was encouraging. It showed me that I can get back there, and overtime I can make it my dominant way of being. I sure hope so. Looking forward, I want to achieve this ease of existence most of the time. And I want to be free to explore my mind and the world around me without extraneous nervousness. The more I commit myself to this, the more achievable that goal seems. And I’m reaching it piece by piece.
To keep reading, you can find next week’s post, by clicking here.
