Just being alive, we all have some form of relationships. We have friends and families and coworkers and people who know us from the internet. All these things are relationships, and to be honest, all these things can completely stink sometimes.
I mean, people are awful, right? (Not all of them, and I would venture to say very few of them are awful all the time.) Sometimes we get into these fragile, disgruntled states where it just seems like people, on the whole, are just not worth it. And it would be easier to stop talking to them and stick our heads in the sand, not interacting with anyone or meeting anybody new.
Now this feeling is very common and I think most people experience it within their lifetime, some with greater frequency. Other people can be confusing, frustrating, draining, and just plain rude at times. It can seem like we might be better off on our own.
Independence
When we get into adulthood, most of us get an urge to be independent. As much as maybe we don’t love the system of paying bills and keeping on top of our dates in a calendar, we want to be our own person and figure things out on our own. This is an important step in our emotional maturity, this drive to be independent. But we’re never truly alone.
Even once our parents are done raising us, humans have a way of supporting each other. We help out our friends and colleagues and loved ones, because we care about them and want them to do well. This is the benefit of existing within a community of some sort. Then you have people to go to when you’re struggling.
For the most part though, even those of us who don’t seek out a community of like minded individuals, we still have those people that we tend to see on a semi-regular basis. Be they neighbors or friends or people that we work with or for, we all see people. And it’s really normal to talk to them, about your respective lives, and even problem solve and offer moral support to a degree. These things count as relationships and they serve a mutually beneficial purpose for those involved (often).
Different relationships
I’m sure we all know that not all relationships are the same. There are different roles to be played, like sister, lover, mentor, and so on and so forth. Each of these different sorts of relationships have something different to offer. And some people are more suited to particular roles than others. But each relationship and each kind of relationship has something different to bring to the table. We interact with different people differently, and they can fill different roles as time and circumstances shift.
You wouldn’t treat a mentor the same as your little brother. But maybe someday your little brother could mentor you in something. And that will change how you and he interact. It’s important to let things flow, especially when your see circumstances changing or time passing you by. People are dynamic, and like to be allowed to explore new roles and balances as they learn, grow and change. Maybe your old boss is your new colleague or friend. That relationship is, in a way, brand new. It needs to be explored for the new territory it is, instead of being boxed in to what used to be. To let relationships blossom, we need to let them grow and evolve over time.
But why do we need them?
I’m sure on a really bad day, some of us have fantasized about just doing this life thing all alone. Not having anyone to answer to or try to appease. Maybe even that we were the only person in existence. Now, ignoring the improbability of such a scenario, what would be so wrong with that? Wouldn’t life be easier?
I’m going with no. You see, even if you don’t like people very much, largely, you count on them. Directly or indirectly. People grow your food. People built the building you live in. People make bridges and cars and planes possible. They make the technologies that enhance our lives so much.
Emotionally, there’s nothing like a good hug on a bad day. And having a good friend or partner makes everyday life more bearable, and even fun. We like people, just not all of them. Of course, even the people that we like and care about the most can become tedious at times.
The awfulness of togetherness
Now, I’m very glad that divorce has become more accessible and less stigmatized now than it has been in human history. I think it’s important to be able to get out of a relationship if you are being abused, manipulated and mistreated. And I don’t think that people should ever be looked down on for that. But I think as a society, we’re slowly starting to lose something. And it’s not an easy thing for me to explain but I think it’s important.
When someone means a lot to you, you’ll want to do more for them to keep them happy and in your life than you might for a stranger. That’s a natural response. I think we’re losing some of that loyalty, as a culture. We’ve sort of forgotten that when you are close to someone for a long time, life is going to get hard from time to time. There are going to be bad days where “maybe we love each other but gosh you’re getting on my nerves!” And these bad days, bad seasons, maybe they get toxic. But sometimes they’re just indicators that you’re under stress or need to communicate better.
I see it a lot, people are afraid to be alone, but they don’t want to put in the work of staying together after someone they care about screws up. (Sometimes it’s friends or family, I’m not just talking about romantic relationships.) And you don’t get lifelong connections by cutting out everyone who bothers you at one point or another. Eventually, you have no one left.
I’m not telling anyone they should accept being disrespected or mistreated. I am saying though, that healthy, loving, long term relationships take effort and the willingness to ride out the ups and the downs. And if you see that the person in front of you is generally a kind person and is worth it, then maybe so is weathering the storm.
Seeing relationships differently
Yes, we’ve addressed that in relationships there’s going to be bad days, but we haven’t addressed why exactly. Obviously, stress and conflict are a part of life. When life gives you lemons, it’s hard not to get a little sour, at least for a while. So emotional pressures can play a big role on all involved. But sometimes, we’ve got deep and lasting wounds. We act from these wounds and faulty conclusions all the time. Often, without even knowing it. And this can cause tension and conflict, even when it seems like there should be none. Or, as I call it, the classic overreaction.
We overreact when we feel irrationally threatened. Like, we perceive the threat but it doesn’t exist, or at least, doesn’t exist the way we think it does. And we do this based on our mind, and the way it’s used to working. Basically, when we overreact, we’re triggered. And we’re responding to a situation that, in this moment, doesn’t exist.
There’s no shame in this. We all do it. We all do it because we all have false conclusions that we carry on from childhood. Some of us have more painful mental wounds and patterns than others, leaving us seemingly a little…unhinged. But the thing is, we can improve our mental state.
There is a whole philosophy that centers around making your relationships your spiritual practice. And you don’t need to go that far but we could stand to learn a thing or two in our society from this sort of practice. Basically, other people are our teachers. We can learn how to do things from them, yes. But moreover, we can learn new things about ourselves based on what we overreact to. Things that we wouldn’t know if we just existed on our own. Other people can be really good mirrors for us to see where we’re still harboring pain, resentment, fear and frankly, just wrong information. Although it can be massively uncomfortable to be confronted with our own failings and misunderstandings, if we manage to use it right, it can be very transformative. Other people can be great catalysts for our personal growth.
Is it worth it?
So with this new food for thought, you may be wondering, is my relationship with so-and-so worth keeping around? Am I being mistreated, or just triggered? And that can be a really difficult question to figure out.
If you’re looking to know how to handle a situation like that, I would look into therapy. A therapist can be a great third party and give you an impartial perspective on where you might be able to improve, but also, if you seem to be in a toxic relationship that would be better left in the past. Some relationships just can’t be saved, unfortunately.
If getting therapy isn’t an option for you, then looking up red flags of abuse would be a good start to figuring out if you are in an unsafe situation. And remember, a person doesn’t have to be hitting you to be abusing you. Don’t discredit your experience just because there are no bruises. But if you’re not in an abusive or toxic relationship, then observing your own cognitive misconceptions and shortcomings is definitely worth it. You can begin to work through some of your past pain and become more of a well-adjusted person. And use your triggers as a way of understanding what’s still lingering and needs to be worked on. Try not to blame the other person for stepping on landmines they didn’t know were there.
When you are able to work through your relationships with this new awareness, they become richer and more rewarding. Not only that, but you become a better person to interact with due to your introspection. So please, if at all possible, use your relationships as springboards to grow, mature and improve. Doing this will be beneficial for anyone involved, and will ultimately bring you a greater level of fulfillment within your relationships as well as your daily life.
