Challenging my fears: the third week

   So as you may or may not know, I’ve been trying to overcome my fears in general, and this is my update for the third week. If you aren’t up to speed, you can find the first post about this here, or if you just missed last week’s update, you can find it here. 

How have I been doing?

   So when you’re doing any sort of challenge there’s this want to try and ascertain if you’re succeeding (or not). And I don’t know quite how to measure it in this one. If succeeding in this challenge means I’m slaying it, getting a leg up on my fears every time, then no. I’m not “beating the challenge”. But I’m seeing definite growth. 

   This week, I have been feeling less fearful overall, and there have been less moments to try and push past. Although there have still been times where I’ve just given up and succumbed to my fears as well, probably as many as last week. (Which has only been a handful, but still, I’m sure it’s lowered my stats.) But I’ve been afraid of less things. And for the most part, the things that still scare me have been scaring me just a little bit less. Enough for me to think “oh maybe it’ll be fine”. 

Life without fear

   The beauty of this lessening of overall fear has been really apparent, especially towards the end of this week. Sure, I get nervous or scared, but when I’m not, I’m really not. It’s like fear was an ever-present barrier between me and my life at large. I didn’t really get to feel the pleasant nuances of the world around me, because I was so preoccupied with the things that I was scared of.

   Now it’s like my life is becoming more vivid and real. My senses are heightened. I notice more things around me, and am able to enjoy the little things so much more than I have before. And these little moments where I smell a candle or feel a breeze or share a smile with someone are so enriching. 

A new focus

  This week, I realized just how much of my fears are centered around other people’s perceived opinions and “looking stupid” by talking with a loved one. I didn’t know just how much I struggled with that until this conversation. I realized that I’m going to need to get over that in order to move on with my life. Because the fact is, nobody’s opinion of me is going to change who I am and how I exist. And there are going to be times when people dislike me or think I’m stupid. I can’t be so worried about that. Otherwise I’ll give my life away on a reckless presumption. 

   So within my fear facing (and what now appears to be overcoming), I’ve decided to impose a new smaller side focus: I am going to let myself exist with the entirety of who I am. I’m going to try to get used to doing the things I want, because I want to do them, without worrying so much if it annoys other people or they think it’s silly. I’m going to work on taking up space in my life, painting the walls of my mental space with my own passions and wants and ideas. And if someone is upset or hurt by the way I’m acting, then I will obviously take that into account. But I’m going to try not to censor my wants and needs so much anymore. 

   I’m a human, and I exist. I have wants and needs and things I enjoy. And I’m going to focus on embracing that part of myself. Even if someone sees me dancing badly or singing (maybe  too loudly). Even if someone doesn’t like the way I look or create, I’m going to focus on not just being myself, but being accepting of that self that I’ve worked hard to develop. We’re all just works in progress anyway.

To keep up with my fear challenge and continue reading, you can find the next week’s post by clicking here.