I think I was 14 years old when I heard it for the first time, “but you have to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else.” It seemed original when it was told to me. Soon I would find out how common this adage is, though.
It’s pretty common for teens and preteens to not love themselves. They’re so busy trying to fit in and largely, they don’t even really know who they are or are trying to be. And the confusion can be extremely disheartening.
Trick of the brain
It’s not just young people though. A lot of us can fall into this psychological trap where we think that having a partner will somehow complete us.
I think it’s something like this: we feel like we’re not enough, and we figure that once we get a partner, we’ll have the sort of validation that maybe we’re not so bad because at least they want to be with me. Or we feel that when we are together with a partner, we get some of their worthiness by default.
And we don’t. That’s a completely baseless idea, but it makes sense how someone might get there. We’re social animals and we want to feel that we belong. Having a romantic partner can help us feel that way.
It is a sort of accomplishment too. Many people ultimately want to end up with someone, so having someone special in your life can feel like you’re doing well towards that goal. Between belonging and accomplishing goals, some of us lose our way a little bit, believing that it gives us more worth.
Giving your all
We think of relationships as a give and take (when they’re healthy ones). But when you get your sense of identity and worth from your significant other, it can be very easy to start giving more and more of yourself without realizing you’re not receiving.
This pattern is common in people who are kind, accommodating and warm. They may have an issue with people pleasing, because they just care so much about everyone around them and want them to be happy. This is a good, altruistic instinct, but it can easily go awry.
First of all, you can’t make everyone happy all the time. In fact, you can’t make anyone happy all the time. There is not going to be a single person who agrees with you and your point of view every moment.
And secondly, you can’t give from an empty cup. People pleasers have difficulty understanding this fact. You need to take care of yourself enough so that you can perform well at work, in your studies, or whatever you generally do with your days. And you need to be taking proper care of yourself and your needs in order to properly care for others.
Love yourself first
I think this is what people mean when they say you need to love yourself first. When we don’t have a firm grasp of our wants, needs, and boundaries, it’s pretty easy to get lost in a relationship. The thing that gave us such a firm sense of identity to begin with now becomes the whole of our identity, leaving us with little idea who we really are. Or at least, who we are without this love.
And it’s not just identity that we lose. When we give too much, when we think that our relationships will provide all of our worthiness and identity, we start to grow hurt and resentful when they inevitably don’t.
No one can give you everything you need, romantic partner or otherwise. We need friends and support systems and goals to keep our minds and bodies sharp. Otherwise we will deteriorate. But it’s not just about keeping sharp. It’s about staying a whole and dynamic person. You need to maintain a full sense of self in order to be fulfilled, even if you’re in a loving long term partnership.
Self hate and the relationship
But what if it’s not just about losing ourselves? What if we genuinely can’t stand who we see in the mirror, and constantly berate ourselves?
Well, I have to admit, then you’re probably in for trouble. The person who actively hates themself is going to attract all kinds of people that may be bad for them. There’s something about the self-loathing individual that just brings around all the creeps.
I think when a predatory person can perceive that you hate yourself, they want to get involved with you, because they know that at least for a while, when they hurt you, you will explain away their behavior. Because you think you deserve it.
This way, these people can get away with a lot more with an insecure or self-hating person than someone with a healthy self-esteem. And that’s exactly what they want. To get away with it.
If you hate yourself and you want to be in the dating game, I would suggest you work on your self-esteem. If for no other reason than not being magnet for people who just want to use you. (There are other good reasons, too. But that may be the most concrete to you right now.)
A whole other deal
I think there’s another meaning to this adage. A meaning that’s maybe so straightforward that we dismiss it. This other meaning is that we can’t fully and truly love another until we have grasped how to love ourselves.
When we hate ourselves, is it possible to really love other people? And immediately, I want to jump up and say, yes, of course. I know this to be true for myself as well. Even in my darkest days I cared very much about the people around me. Their feelings, their thoughts, their lives. In fact, in some ways, my life was mostly about them. I always wanted to be sure that they were happy with me.
In another way though, hating myself was one of the most selfish things I have ever done. I wasted so much time that I could have spent being present with my loved ones being busy focused on myself. Punishing myself, thinking of how awful I was, but nonetheless, myself.
I’ve missed a lot over the years with some people I really cared about. I know that at the time, I couldn’t conceive of a better way, but it still makes me sad to think about.
If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would live largely the same life. But I would try harder to shut off those intrusive thoughts and just focus on loving people better. Because when it came to how I felt about my loved ones at the time, they deserved better. But I was just too stuck to be able to do any better than I did.
Love, the word
After working through this topic I’ve realized that for the most part, I really do agree with this “love yourself first” business. In nearly every way, I think that self love is instrumental in being able to find and maintain a healthy and happy love connection. Just one tiny problem.
We think of love as a feeling. That’s what makes this not work. Because no matter how much you can hate yourself, the love of others will likely still be there. It’s not something you lose in the darkness of self-loathing. This is why the advice seems so cheesy and ridiculous when it’s said. In that sense, it’s obviously untrue.
But if you want long, fulfilling relationships, you’ll want to think of love as a verb. It’s somewhere between an art, a craft, and a science. It’s something you need to practice every day to keep your skills fresh and up to date. And it’s something that requires conscious effort.
Self love, in real life
That goes for self-love too. We need to nurture all of the great loves in our life. Our friends, families, partners, passions, and also ourselves. We may not spontaneously feel “love” for ourselves the way we get infatuated with a new romantic prospect, but that doesn’t mean we stop caring for ourselves. And it definitely doesn’t mean that the only real love is external.
The “real love” is the love you give. It flows from inside you as you are willing to nourish, observe, and esteem. You direct it at others continually. I think it’s high time you give yourself a shot.
And before you hit me with “it’s too hard”, let me tell you all committed relationships take effort. Don’t think that it’s selfish either. If you truly want your loved ones happy then consider this: they don’t want you unhappy either. They want you smiling and healthy and strong so you can all take the world by storm—together.
So please, love yourself first. And if you’re already with somebody, it’s not too late. Nurture yourself and your partner by tending to your own needs and wants when possible. You’ll see things start to run more smoothly.
