We live in a world where people make money just by making their life look fab. We want to show the world that we’re awesome too, and that we measure up (we really do). So we tend to try and put on a happy face when we’re struggling. Even when we’re progressing we want to make sure it looks extra doubly amazing. We wish that our whole life would be worthy of a facebook post or an incredible vlog, and we even buy and sell stuff that has the message “no bad days”. Verbatim. Seriously.
And this is a post about that. Because deep down, it’s something that we all know. Not every day is going to be amazing. Not every moment or experience is going to be mind blowing and gorgeous. But on the bad days, those days when you just don’t feel like a rockstar, it doesn’t hurt to be reminded.
“Wellness”–our perception of the good life
I absolutely love writing and talking about wellness. It makes me feel really good thinking that something that I put out there might be helping people. Anyone. People I know, people I don’t, some people in countries that I have never been to before. I consider it an honor. But let’s be honest for a second here. The whole genre of content can be kind of a crapfest sometimes.
I’m not immune to it, either. I see the pretty, young women online touting their smoothies and yoga pants and meditation apps, saying how much their lives have been changed by these things. They’re drowning in all the trappings of health and vitality. And I can’t say that as a young woman, my perception of myself is unaffected by these sort of influences and messages. I know they’re trying to sell something, but that doesn’t always make a difference.
I want to present myself as pretty, desirable, and glowing with vitality. I worry about the presentation of my thoughts, my appearance, and just generally, myself, all the time. Even though rationally I consider myself to be a complete person without the trappings of vitality and beauty, this goes beyond the logical mind, into a place where we exist as primarily emotional beings. And how do you pick that apart?
External validation
I remember the sort of person I used to be when I was younger. I would do anything that anyone told me to do, as long as they could convince me it would make me more lovable. This got me into a lot of trouble. I was willing to put my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing on the line, even watch it get completely destroyed, all without flinching, because I hoped it would bring me some semblance of belonging and external acceptance. And on the surface, I guess it did, for a while.
It wasn’t until later though, that I found it wasn’t working for me. Sure, that boy liked me as a doormat, and wasn’t going to tell me to stand up for my own beliefs. But it didn’t make him love me. It didn’t get him to treat me well. And punishing myself for supposed wrongdoing didn’t really get the people who I wronged to be less upset with me. If anything, it made them more hurt. And at first, these realizations really tore a hole in my heart. I thought that must mean that there was no way I could garner a sense of love and respect from the people around me. No way to truly be loved and belong.
But just because you can’t get a person to love you by doing everything you think they want, doesn’t mean you can’t get love. And it doesn’t mean you’re not worthy.
What I needed to do was finally focus on me. And it wasn’t easy. In my head, I always made things about other people, for better or for worse. If I was feeling good, I concluded it must be some kind of gift someone had given me. And if I was hurt or sad or scared, well that must be their fault too. But that’s so much pressure to put on the people around you. Nobody wants to be the sole reason for your existence, even if they love you a lot.
Doing the work
It wasn’t a fast shift, getting better. There was a whole lot of therapy and introspection involved, that’s for sure. But therapy and introspection without direction are just wastes of time. Or worse, things that push you into a woe-is-me loop. That’s something we definitely don’t want.
I had to start becoming more mentally independent. Even when I was worried, insecure, upset, or scared. I had to learn that other people don’t have all the answers, and even when they do, they only have their answers, not necessarily yours. And I had to determine what was best for me, then commit to doing it.
I remember the first time I decided to do something for my health, even though my inner voices were screaming at me that I didn’t deserve it. I was…terrified. I started shaking, and crying. And it took me forever to complete the task. But I did it. I did it alone, and believe me, it wasn’t pretty.
Keep going, alone or supported
I’m not saying that if you want to improve yourself, you have to go through your journey completely alone. There will be people out there to support you. Some in the long term, and others in the short term. But nobody can give your their undivided attention all the time, and sometimes, you’re going to have to do the hard stuff all on your own. Ultimately, you do this whole life journey solo, and it’s important to understand that.
The nature of transformation is an amazing thing, and there’s something about a good before and after that we just can’t resist. It inspires us. But the reason it inspires us isn’t just the change that occurred. Ultimately, we love transformations because we know it’s not easy. It reminds us that if we continue to be consistent in our hard work, it pays off. And that’s the difficult part–consistency.
Anyone can have a good idea. But even a great idea isn’t as good as an okay idea with great execution. Progress is made up of a bunch of little, seemingly inconsequential moments in time all strung together. And while subconsciously most of us know that, I feel that it’s something we don’t remind ourselves of consistently.
These little moments aren’t all that impressive on their own. And you’re not going to be able to get consistent validation during or for them from other people. Because let’s face it, they have their own lives to live. It’s up to you, to derive personal satisfaction from knowing, “yeah, I did well today, I’m making progress”. Before and entirely independently of anyone else being able to see it.
My personal thoughts
I hope that I’m able to accurately portray the gradual nature of transformation on this site, at least most of the time. Because the truth is, everything that’s ever changed my life has done so in small ways, that added up overtime.
And I didn’t have a lot of pats on the back when I was trying to get physically and mentally healthy, especially from my loved ones at the time. Sometimes it really did seem pointless. Like if no one could see the good in what I was doing, then it didn’t really matter. It was on those days that I had to remind myself that I needed to do this for my own good, not anyone else’s. If they would be happy for me, great. But even if they were mad at me for getting better, I still needed to do this for myself.
I don’t think that any one thing will be your savior that brings you everything you hoped for overnight. In fact, most of the techniques that truly helped me in the long run were complete pains to begin, and didn’t start getting me results for a while. But those are the things that I share on this website. Not because I want to have you guys struggle first so you really appreciate what you finally get. But so that you actually get a lasting change. When we say slow and steady wins the race, what we really mean is that things worth having take commitment and consistency.
Your transformation
If you really dig this blog, you may be in the midst of your own personal development journey. While you transform, I’m not going to be there each step of the way, validating every wonderful little thing you do and feeding you your next step. It’s not possible. Nor will anyone else be able to give that to you. Even those who are very close to you that feel like they should be able to.
And often, the most transformative moments seem pretty insignificant at the time. Sometimes they’re even pretty ugly, to be honest. But it’s through these quiet and private struggles that we find the real backbone of learning and lasting change.
When I look back on real turning points in my recovery, they all have one thing in common. They really didn’t feel like something to be proud of at the time. I didn’t realize that sometimes it hurts to stretch and grow. And when that’s written as the end of your story, it’s easy to think that you’ve failed.
But I encourage you to honestly work through these struggles and painful moments. Fully embody them and tackle them with the full extent of your will to progress. You won’t always make the goal, but if you try, you will continue to progress. Even if other people can’t see it. Even if you can’t see it. It matters. Sometime down the road you’ll be able to look back and be properly proud of how you tackled your struggles. But for now, continue to string together the little moments with the faith that it’ll all mean something. Because it will.
