Over the years, I’ve had no problem talking to others about their deep, real life problems, and giving advice to them based on what I know about them and the life lessons I’ve had. This blog has even been a natural outgrowth of this sentiment. And it’s a lovely sentiment, I give people this advice because I care about them and want them to be empowered, happy and healthy. But you really shouldn’t be just listening to me and doing what I suggest. Let me explain.
We all struggle with challenges in our life. We look for answers and hope that we are strong enough, wise enough and smart enough to get through these challenges. When we think we aren’t or worry that perhaps our perspectives are lacking, we reach out to the internet or loved ones, or books or professionals for guidance and support, hopefully, to be imparted with a greater perspective that can help us to deal with whatever we’re trying to achieve at the moment.
There are certainly no shortage of people giving us their two cents either. The great thing about living in the Information Age is that you can literally find an answer for anything! Looking up the meaning of life? Great! Strangers on the internet will give it to you. You want to learn how to watercolor paint? Awesome! Just find a workshop, or use youtube tutorials! It’s all the same anyways right?
And I worry that sometimes the message of this blog can get construed similarly. After all, here on the Thoughts that Bind, we’re all about building better lives. We want to learn how to become better, happier versions of ourselves and seem to have no shortage of ideas on how to explore that. Yet mostly, I have to admit, though I like my corner of the internet, I feel it is little more than another voice in the crowd.
Benefits of looking for guidance
Part of the human condition is that we’re born kind of stupid. And I don’t mean that in a derogatory way, either. It’s just that as babies we lack understanding of pretty much everything we’ll need for survival in the long term. And it takes us a long time to get those basics down too, compared to other species.
But after we figure out basic survival, we’re left still pretty much…ineffectual. What I mean is that basic survival plus instincts actually doesn’t get us very far in life and society today. The structures that we live in are unnatural, and completely superimposed on the more general eating and sleeping structures that we evolved to accept and understand. And this is where learning comes in.
As a kid, I used to wonder how adults knew so much. I mean, when I had a problem, a lot of adults just knew how to fix it. They didn’t even have to figure it out. Or so it seemed from my perspective. This perception that I had about adults was sort of half right. They did know how to deal with these problems. But it wasn’t that they “just knew”. It was that they had dealt with them before and so they already knew the answer. Not that it was just natural and effortless.
This is the lovely part about seeking out advice from other sources. If they have already been through what you’re struggling with, then it very well may be easier to find answers from them than it would be to struggle and try to eke out solutions all on your own. I have no problems with this. It’s natural to be struggling with a problem, especially if it’s brand new to you. In fact, it’s not just natural. It’s only human. You’re not going to get away from this aspect of human life, because the fact is, there’s a lot to be learned.
So yes, ask questions. Look for answers outside of yourself, and by all means, read my posts! I write them in the hopes of providing new perspectives for people who may not have considered life in specific ways before. This site is, more or less, a documentation, of things, perspectives, and practices that have helped me transform my brain, my life, and my health.
The problem with guidance
Now, there is a darker side to this tendency in humans to “seek out the solution”. But it is a multifaceted issue. Firstly, not everyone really has been in the situation you’re in. Maybe they’ve seen someone who has, or they’ve had a similar problem, but there’s so much variation in the human experience. Perhaps nobody has had it “just like you”. And while that doesn’t mean they don’t know what they’re talking about, it does mean that the whole of their perspective may not apply to you.
The other thing about this is that honestly, some of the “information” out there is just crap. Seriously. Some of the advice or information you may find only exists to sell you something, or even worse, deliberately mislead you. This is one of the awful things about the abounding information of the modern age, is that you really do have to be on your guard because some of it is just…absolutely ridiculous and unhelpful. And the more information that is put out there (which becomes more and more by the moment), the more bad information is out there too.
You won’t always be able to know or understand the motivation behind what is being put in front of you, even by what we might consider “authorities” such as parents, teachers, or politicians. And while misinformation in general is bad enough, when it comes to making important life choices, misinformation in this arena can be even more detrimental. A misstep may cause you extreme strife or regret in the long term.
How to discern
But even if you do have an important lifestyle change burgeoning, you don’t need to despair. There are some ways that you can safeguard your conclusions a little.
The first thing you want to do is to try and get your information from credible sources if at all possible. For example, if you want to lose weight, you have a lot of options on where to look for information. There are so many diet books and weight loss gurus, and maybe your best friend lost and kept off twenty pounds a couple years back. But if you’re serious about doing this and doing it right, you’re going to want to check the official guidelines and RDAs and that sort of thing. And if you really need help, you’ll want to talk to a professional, with credentials.
Now not all matters are so official. There is no college that offers degrees in “how to react when your spouse is cheating on you” or “what should my morning routine be?” For these sorts of things, we might be left sort of reeling, because there are no straightforward, official answers. And this is when the second part of discernment comes in. But it’s a little bit messier.
When we get what I’ll call “life advice” from friends and strangers alike, we have to do our best to discern what, if any parts of it we want to take to heart. This can be a real struggle for many people. After all, if we knew what to do we would just do it in the first place, and frankly, there are just some things you can’t take back.
Discerning is difficult
So when you’re given less factual advice, it helps to know some backstory. That can help give you an idea of how relevant the perspective is for what you’re going through right now. Often if the advice comes from someone close to you, you’ll already know the backstory, which is helpful.
If it is from a stranger, they might have thoughtfully decided to include the backstory for you, or you may have to ask (if it’s face to face) or go looking for it (if it’s someone online or in some other media like a book). If their story is nothing like yours, then the advice they give may not hold as much clout for you, and that’s okay.
The second part is using your rational mind. Will their advice end up getting you in trouble, hurting someone, or making the situation worse? If there’s a big chance that it might, then I would avoid taking the advice, even if both the other points match up. You don’t want to be taking senseless risks, here. The point of this whole thing is to make it out the other side.
Then we get to the third part, which I also consider extremely important, and that is to feel it. (Such a cliché, I know, but like I told you, I do think it’s very important.) Is what they are telling you jiving with your sense of personal truth?
I bring up this point because some advice, while objectively good advice, just isn’t good for us and who we are as people. This is advice we might feel initially hesitant to take, and understandably so. We should think twice about taking advice that makes us feel like we’re being inauthentic. And if there seems to be another solution that fits the other two signposts but feels more authentically us, then by all means, take that advice instead.
However, if you can’t find something that will fill this third point, do not give up the second point at all costs, even if something else feels good or like what you want to hear. It’s not worth risking getting someone hurt, because in the process that someone will likely be you. Even if it’s not at first. Causing harm to others has a way of ruining your reputation and relationships with others who may not even have anything to do with this situation.
Even my stuff
When I give advice and perspective on this site, I do try to do it with a wider audience in mind. I don’t want people to take too many things I say out of context and go off the rails with shoulds and can’ts, etc. But with that in mind, I can’t know what you are going through as you read this, and this format doesn’t allow for me to be continually addressing each person directly. So admittedly, some of the information that I excitedly share on the site just may not be for you.
Even when you read my stuff, run it through your filter of discernment. Just because something has helped me or even a lot of people before doesn’t mean it will help you. And never take something I say on this site as an excuse not to talk to a professional. Because I don’t and can’t know your full story, and also, I am not a professional. I’m just some person on the internet who has tried a lot of things to feel better. And since some worked while others didn’t, I wanted to share what I’ve learned and am continuing to learn.
If someone asks you to question something you learned from reading my blog, don’t try to defend me or my site, be open to questioning it. Because the truth and good solutions are able to stand up to scrutiny. And if there are approaches to life that contradict what I say here or I just don’t mention them, that’s great, if they help you get through the tough stuff and don’t hurt anyone.
The truth is, nobody really knows how to live life. We’re all just figuring it out as we go along. I’m no different. I don’t have the answers. All I have are suggestions.
You can do this!
I’ve heard discernment called “a spiritual gift”, like God gives this ability to a chosen few people, and definitely nobody who considers themselves to be secular. But it isn’t. It’s a skill. A skill we all have, to some degree, and a skill you can learn and improve over time.
And while I and many others out there strive to give the most helpful and accurate information possible on a consistent basis, I still suggest that you use your brain. Turn on your critical thinking when you’re absorbing information and advice, especially the kind that is going to affect you directly.
You can do this, you have the ability to figure out what details are important to live your life by. And over time, you’re only going to improve, if only you put it into practice on a regular basis. So please, don’t just listen to me (or anyone else)! Read my words, and then decide for yourself.
