Letter to my younger self

Dear Me,

   I want you to know that things are going to be okay. Not in the way you would think, but they will. 

   I know right now things seem really grim. You bounce from confusion to loneliness to invalidation. And it doesn’t seem like there’s a way out of this. It seems like if people were to just treat you better—kinder—then things would get better. And you know, I guess that’s true. But that’s not going to happen. You can’t make that happen. 

   The truth is, you can’t beg someone to be respectful to you and you can’t make them treat you how you deserve to be treated. You’ll never be able to convince someone to have compassion for you. They either will or they won’t. And you just have to keep moving forward, regardless. 

   You see, what’s going to happen is that someday, not so far in the future, you’re going to leave. The people who mean the world to you right now are going to either disappear or they’re not going to be as important in the near future. Not because you don’t love them or because they don’t deserve it,  but because your life is just going to change. 

   You’re going to have to decide to keep moving forward when people abandon you. It’s not going to be fair. It’s not going to make sense. But if they abandon you then that means that they wouldn’t be there for you in the future, and having them weeded out will be a pro, ultimately. Because you won’t be constantly worrying about what they think of you and what they might do behind your back. 

   They say that it gets better, and it does. You’re no different, your misery will lift. But it won’t do so spontaneously. You want to know how you’re going to get feeling better? Well it may spoil some of the fun but I’ll tell you. 

   First, your situation is going to change. People are going to leave, you’re going to move, things are going to change and you’re going to be left realizing that you’re a little further away from everything that stressed you out so much. 

   Then you’re going to have the space to reflect on each thing differently. You’re going to start gaining new perspectives in things when you’re further away from the problem, and that will help you navigate things in the future. 

   And finally you’re going to learn how to care for yourself. You never really learned how to do this growing up, and it really was to your detriment. But please, don’t blame anyone for it. People can only teach you what they know, and believe me, none of them knew. 

   You’re going to learn about exercise, meditation, boundaries, goal setting, and healthy eating. You’re going to learn about resting, coping mechanisms, and speaking up for yourself. And most of all, you’re going to learn that no matter what happens, no matter how much you’re struggling, you don’t have to abandon or punish yourself anymore. 

   And as you learn the lessons behind these things, you’re going to start to realize that things really aren’t that bad. And it will finally feel just as true as how hard things have been, how tired you are, and how much hate you’ve had for yourself. 

   It’s not going to be some glamorous journey where you get thousands of likes and always know you’re doing the right thing. There are times when it’s going to be boring and dark and lonely and you really won’t be sure which way is up. 

   But you’re going to really appreciate the small rewards. Like when you wake up in the morning and don’t feel like you’re going to faint. Or when you look in the mirror and kind of like your body again. Or when you hold hands with your partner, when you spend the afternoon reading on the couch, when you’re able to feel upset without wanting to hurt yourself. There are going to be so many of these little moments when you feel so incredibly full and grateful for how far you’ve come. 

   And it’s true, nobody will be able to really understand where you’re coming from most of the time. They’re not going to be able to congratulate you for these things because there’s no way they’ll understand how much they really mean. But you know what? It’s going to feel so good that it won’t matter. 

   Now I know that you probably won’t believe me as I say all this, and I really don’t blame you. Right now things are so toxic and hopeless and it seems like you’re not going to make it out. So if I can just give you a little advice, to stick it out until these things start happening. 

1. Cry. You’re starting to get good at that, and I think it’s something to be proud of. When there’s nothing left to do, you really don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed for crying. It’s healthy, and every time you do it is a time that you’re not doing something worse. Be sure to drink a lot of water though. And keep your electrolytes higher than you think they need to be. 

2. Breathe. I know you don’t have a choice or anything but what I mean is, put time aside to just focus on your breathing, especially when you get upset. Focus on making a long breath out. It’s going to physically calm you down. It seems silly but it’s worth it, and no one can be mad at you for breathing. 

3. When someone tells you who they are,  believe them. You have this tendency to see and hope for the best in people. And it’s one of the most beautiful things about you, but it gets you in some real trouble. People have a way of telling us and showing us who they are off the bat. Instead of listening to your thoughts about them, look out for theirs. This will let you know what kind of person they consider themselves to be. If someone tells you that they’re trouble, believe them. They’re either telling the truth or trying to manipulate you which isn’t worth your time anyway. All the great things you see in them may be true, but you don’t know how much emotional work you’re going to have to take on to get them to express from that place, and very likely it won’t work anyway. 

4. Now this one is trivial, but I can’t help it. You’re so obsessed with the idea that eating copious amounts of fruits will make you miraculously healthy. Fruit is good for you, but not that much. Okay? So shift your focus to keeping your vegetable intake up instead and eating more balanced instead of gigantic carb or fruit meals. You will feel better, I promise. 

   When you start to feel alone just remember it’s not forever. More people will come. Ones that care, and are fun. Ones you don’t have to beg for forgiveness or convince to love you. For now, just focus on being kind and growing yourself into the person that the not-desperate part of you wants to become. 

   And remember that weirdness has its place. You may not always be “normal”, and that’s okay. You don’t have to make it your identity or wear it as a badge of courage. You can be weird sometimes, and not others. It’s not an either/or, identity issue. Accept yourself for who you are, both the boring and weird parts, side by side. This will bring you a lot of peace and assurance in years to come. 

   Most of all, just know that you are loved. You are going to meet a lot of people over the years. Some will be good for you and others in the long term really won’t. But you’re going to give out love, and you’re going to get it back consistently. The world does want you around. Even when it’s hard. Even when some people make it difficult. Stick around to love and be loved again, each time better than the last, because you’re armed with new wisdom. 

   I love you. I can’t wait until you too can see the beauty that’s in the world around you. And thank you for listening. You’re so much stronger and better of a person than you believe you are. 

   Love,

Bekah