How social media may be ruining us

Oooh, confrontational title, right? What are we going to be saying today? Well, I think that we may be using social media in ways that are ultimately ruining our happiness.

   Now, I know this is actually not a new subject. It’s not edgy for me to be saying this and it’s not going to garner a lot of surprise or disagreement, but I’m going to cover it anyway. The reason for this is that I have recently had my very own epiphany on this subject, and if you haven’t, then maybe I can help illuminate something for you too.

   So it’s probably no surprise to anyone who’s known me in real life for a long time, I’m not so fond of social media. But what you may not know about me is that my opinion on the subject has by no means remained static over the years. So let’s go back in time a little bit, shall we? Then I can explain more clearly where I’m coming from.

I’m young, with an old person experience

   At the time of writing this post, I am 21 years old. And many people, upon hearing that, would be inclined to think that I’m “technologically savvy”. Particularly those of you who are more advanced in years. And while I understand that 21 seems like a blip on the screen for some, I’m not exactly what you would think of as a “tech person”. 

   Growing up, I had a very old-fashioned existence. This was partially due to my parents’ values, and partially because we didn’t have money to be spending on things that weren’t absolute necessities–technology being one of them. So our house had a landline phone, none of us had cell phones, and we had dial-up internet. For those of you who may not know what that is, it’s basically internet service that is extremely slow (pretty close to un-usable, especially by today’s standards), and cannot be used at the same time as the telephone. So if anyone was on the phone talking to someone, you could not log onto the internet, and if someone was online, you would hear a horrible screeching noise if you picked up the phone. 

   I didn’t mind not using the internet as a kid, or not having a cell phone even though most of the other students in my classes did. I guess you could say I didn’t know what I was missing, and that’s true. But to be honest, I didn’t need any of that. I was satisfied just living, observing the world around me, playing with physical toys and using my imagination when they were lacking. I wasn’t even really jealous of all my friends who had all these cool phones or ipods or anything. They were fun to play on when we were together. Afterwards, I would go home and everything went back to normal. For school research I would go to the library, to check out books and use the internet there. 

My growing interest in the tech world

   When my family moved cities, I was 13 years old. And for the first time, we had what might be considered more “normal internet access”. That is, we actually had wifi in our home. However, I still didn’t have anything that could use the wifi. The only computer I had access to was the desktop computer in the center of the living room. Our signal was weak and our access was slow, but I enjoyed going online. I liked to listen to music on youtube and look up things on google. I had heard about social media from my friends, particularly Facebook, but at the time my mother did not allow that sort of thing, so I didn’t have one or really even have any idea what they were like. If you had asked me to describe Facebook, I wouldn’t know what to say. Probably something like “a place where people go online to talk to each other”. 

   But at 13, I was interested in having a place to talk to my friends, alone. And the family landline just wasn’t doing it. I wanted a more private place for conversations with my friends, and so rebelliously, I made a gmail account. (Gasp, I know!) I felt so guilty for going behind my mom’s back. So I told her about it. I tried to seem cool and nonchalant, but I was so nervous that I was going to get in trouble. And as much as I was expecting that, she didn’t even get mad. She was, in general, okay with it. I was so excited to be able to have a place where my friends could leave me messages that were just for my eyes, not for my whole family to be able to listen in on whenever they felt like it. I was over the moon. 

   I went on like that for a while. Following my mom’s rules, but generally hoping to have connections to other kids my age with more privacy and freedom. Eventually even school started issuing iPads for their students, and I didn’t even need my mom’s permission to get online. In fact, my studies depended on it. But more than anything, I could talk to whoever I wanted. (As long as they were willing to email.) And that’s what kept up the bulk of my friendships for a long time.

Free to be (on social media)

   But when I was 18, that all changed. I was legally an adult, and could do what I wanted. And what I did, with the help of my boyfriend, was get a cell phone. I saved up money from my cashiering job and got an iPhone. I was so excited. I also got a Facebook too! For once, I finally felt…normal. Like I wasn’t left out of the conversation all the time. 

   Having a phone, being able to text people, and having a Facebook was really exciting for me, and a really big step toward what I consider to be mental independence. Finally, I was able to decide what parts of mass culture I was going to embrace in my own life. I started adding people to my contacts list and friends list and overall I was very happy. It was a sort of honeymoon period. I could find whatever or whoever I needed online, and my life was generally improved by it. I didn’t have to continually wonder if this actor had been in that movie, I could check in with old friends whenever I wanted, and instead of finding a good cookbook, there were amazing recipes all over the internet just waiting for me to try them out–with reviews from others so I didn’t pick a bad one. And I could learn anything I wanted to online. It was like all the resources and knowledge of the entire world was at my fingertips! I felt so powerful and free. Free to be whoever I wanted and explore whatever I was curious about. 

   But I admit, one thing really bothered me deep down. It didn’t seem like people around me were really too interested in learning and exploring, even though they all had phones and social media. Which seemed…strange. They had everything in the world right at their fingertips, and mostly they used it as a glorified distraction. I couldn’t explain this, so I pretty much just ignored it. I thought that maybe I was different than most people. Maybe they didn’t like learning and growing and exploring life the way I did. That was the best explanation I could come up with at the time. But you know what? I was wrong.

After the honeymoon ends

   For those of you who grew up with the will of technology at your fingertips, you may not be aware that such a honeymoon period exists. But it certainly did for me. I think it’s fascinating how quickly we humans move from being astounded by something, to taking it for granted and not even being impressed by it anymore. I found this to be the case with me. Very quickly, I grew accustomed to having this pulse of the world at my beck and call. Although back as a preteen I would have to wait 45 minutes to load up a whole web-page to get the answer for what classes I would be taking in the fall, now I would get irritated when it took more than ten seconds to connect to an answer of a trivial question that I had only wondered for 5 minutes. It seemed that I had a “right” to this information. That since it was public, I was entitled to it at all times. 

   And my usage of technology had definitely degraded in a sense, over the years. Where I used to use it to explore and get important things completed, I know I now use it entirely too much. To get answers to things that don’t really matter, to find me a distraction when I feel uncomfortable, or even just to kill time. And this isn’t something that happened suddenly, but rather gradually, so I didn’t notice as it was going on. More and more over time, I began using technology to comfort and sedate me, instead of spurring my growth and curiosity. 

The problem

   There are so many ways to use technology these days–practically infinite. But much of it is programmed to be as psychologically enticing as possible. And it is for this reason that so many of us fall into this Facebook and Candy Crush loop. We get that hit of chemicals in our brains that tell us “yes, this is nice”, and we keep coming back, time and time again, especially when we’re feeling uncomfortable or emotionally vulnerable.

   These apps even begin to eclipse our real and everyday lives and social interactions. We had a long day, so we start scrolling our feeds instead of having a heart-to-heart with our partners or calling up a friend. And we might start to feel lonely, so we look through people’s online social profiles in hopes of feeling some semblance of the connections we’ve lost or let slip through our fingers. 

   And sometimes, this is okay. You’re not always going to want to be with people in real life. These technologies exist, and are good ideas for a reason. But overall, when this become your primary means of connection, things start to get a little wonky. 

What’s wrong with that?

   First of all, we’re losing our understanding of the flow of social interactions. We don’t know how to talk to each other anymore, because largely, we don’t. If you’re in a public place right now, look around you. So many people are staring at a phone screen instead of into a real person’s eyes. Even when we see our online “friends” in real life, we don’t say hi. We don’t know if we should, if that follows the “rules”. 

   And not only that, but these social media technologies really don’t meet all our needs as social human beings. They can try, but they’ll always fall short, because they’re not the real thing. These sites do want us to spend as much time on them as possible, so they can make money. And while they do want customer satisfaction, they only want it so long as it doesn’t lose them money. The dollar is the bottom line for these guys, and if they can make money off of you while still purporting connection and warm-fuzzies, then great. 

   But when we engage in social media more than honest connections with real and authentic friends, we lose out big time. We don’t get to explore ourselves in a deep way, the way we would if we knew that we were in a safer place and free to do so, and we can’t get as deep of support as we could from real-life, face to face people. These technologies are good for sending out your message to a broader audience, if you have a message to be sending out that is. But for the bulk of us everyday people with everyday struggles, the platforms don’t lend themselves easily to depth and true connection. 

My own problem

   Lately, I’ve been realizing just how much I’ve gotten sucked into the social media vortex. And mind you, I only have two, Facebook and Twitter. I didn’t even try the Instagram rabbit hole, thank goodness for that. But I’ve noticed my phone battery completely drained by the end of the day. I’ve been spending more time on Facebook than talking to my real friends and catching up. And I’ve missed important things that my partner said more than once, because I was on my phone instead of living the present moment together. 

   Instead of looking up mind-transforming topics and seeking out good resources, I’ll watch stupid videos on YouTube instead of devoting my time and focus to something useful and enjoyable. I haven’t had the time or energy for my hobbies like drawing or cooking. Except I have. I’ve just used it inefficiently–on these things that don’t even bring me any value or real enjoyment. It’s like living a shadow of what my life could be–or let’s be even more brutally honest–what my life actually is. 

   The fact is, I have a beautiful life. I have an amazing partner, I’m in love, and we’re happy. Our home is comfortable, and feels like a kind and safe place to lay our heads at night. And life is good. There are so many fun opportunities to take advantage of, experiences to immerse ourselves in. And there’s no reason to be bored, really. There’s always something new to do or see or become. But when I get wrapped up in this social media experience, it’s like all of that falls to the wayside. I’m not living in the moment, and so I don’t really get the benefit of these blessings. And furthermore, living life through this social media lens destroys our attention spans so that it becomes very difficult to take part in anything else. So it’s like the more you use it, the less you’re really able to live your real life, even when there is no screen in sight. Which is really discouraging and kind of depressing.

   Not to mention that I seemed to be getting more and more unhappy with the gradual increase of social media engagement. I found myself getting pulled back into old dramas, and comparing myself to others way more than I usually would without this influence. I felt that my posts had to be good, to represent me in a positive way. And the constant worry that you may be representing yourself badly to the whole entire world for all of time (because as we all know, the internet is forever) is extremely exhausting. I’d rather just live my life. But the compulsion to keep coming back, keep scrolling, keep clicking, it was there, big time. 

My “Solution”

   So once I really noticed that these changes were happening in me I knew I had to do something about it. I couldn’t have social media negatively impacting my life and my relationships with the people I really cared about, even if I got to pretend I was connected to a larger amount of people. That’s not worth it. 

   The first thing I tried was unfollowing some people whose stuff made me feel triggered, uncomfortable, or otherwise too emotional. Even if that’s all that you’re willing to do in order to curate your social media experience, I highly recommend it. It helped me feel more in control and also helped me avoid some unnecessary mental spiraling. If someone’s posts continue to make you feel like crap, just unfollow them. It’s not worth the emotional space it takes up in your real life.

   The second thing to do is try and make your social media platforms less interesting, exciting or rewarding. Some have timers of sorts, where you set how much time you will allow yourself to use it and then you’re done. Or block accounts that end up eating into your time too much. The key here is to try to keep things that give you that sort of “high” far away from you, so that you don’t get too sucked in. 

   The next thing is that if you have the apps easily accessible on your phone, change that. You could use nested subfolders to make it difficult to get into, our you could simply uninstall the app on your phone and force yourself to go through your internet browser each time you log in. But either of these approaches will make it more difficult to get access to your account and will give you that little bit of extra time to consider if logging on is really the best idea right now. 

Breaking away from the Insta-flu

   The other thing to consider is just completely putting the kibosh on your account altogether. I mean, you can always make another one if you find out you really need it afterwards. But for some people, as long as you have that account, you know you will keep coming back, self-discipline scattered about the floor. If that’s you, you might want to consider just completely deleting all your accounts. Social media addiction is real, and will keep you very unhappy and stuck for as long as you let it. So nip that problem in the bud and be honest with yourself. 

   And don’t feel like a failure if you have implement some of these techniques in order to restrain yourself with this social media. It’s made to be addictive. And it’s not a natural thing that humans are instinctively able to overcome. It’s not your fault if you can’t control yourself with this stuff. But it is your responsibility to restructure your life to the best of your ability, in order to live the life that you want or need to live. Be honest with yourself and don’t let the idea that “everyone’s on social media” keep you from bettering yourself. 

   Moreover, work on building your life around genuine social connections, whether you keep your social media accounts, maintain them, or not. It’s your real friends that will help you get through your life and your stressors. These are your support systems, and the source of your continued introspection and growth. Work on being this real friend for a lucky few people, and remember that these real connections are a valid way of navigating life and making our mark on this world.