Recently on the Thoughts that Bind, we talked about beliefs, and more specifically, how to be free of the old limiting beliefs that weigh you down in life. And if that subject interests you, you should go read that post by clicking here.
This week, we’re tackling belief from another perspective. In a sense, you may say it’s sort of a second step we take after changing our beliefs, but it has larger applications as well. That’s right, today we’re talking about coexisting with those who have different beliefs than you. The ups, downs and challenges that we face within this context are very important to address, especially following a conversation such as the one we’ve had about changing our beliefs. Because honestly, we should expect that there will be consequences to that.
Identity and beliefs
When we think about identity, beliefs actually play a pretty big role, whether we realize it or not. The truth is, for a large part of our history we’ve been very strictly divided into groups of tribes and peoples. While we’re slowly trying to come out of that, the vestiges still remain.
It was extremely common, in days of yore, for your survival to depend almost entirely on the group that you belonged to. Your food, protection, shelter, all of these things were cooperative efforts. And if your group had a problem with you, your survival could easily become compromised. For this reason, it was really bad to go against the beliefs of others you cared about and were close to.
And groups would bond over their beliefs all the time. Each tribe had their own religion, philosophy, traditions and stories. These were things that were passed down through the generations, and considered important knowledge for a mature adult.
These days, you can really leave other people out of the equation, to a large degree. Your coworkers don’t have to like you in order for you to get paid, you can be at odds with your family and never speak to them again. All of that, in the adult world, is alright. In the sense that you’ll be able to survive just fine without them, at least.
All the same, people do still bond over beliefs. We affirm our group’s beliefs every day, through our traditions, the food we eat, even how we spend our free time. And every time we share in these daily rituals with others, we form a memory that bonds us to those people. Over time, we piece those memories together for a sense of self and some form of understanding of the others around us as well.
Backlash of Leaving the old ways behind
You’ll find that people get really attached to these memories and habits. They’re using them as points of reference all the time, and when you start to change and transform, there may be a sort of frustration in your interactions.
The thing is, not everyone is going to support your decision to change. And sometimes it isn’t even a decision. But regardless, becoming different in a loved one’s eyes can put a strain on your relationships. It’s one of the unfortunate truths that come along with growth and self-improvement.
For example, there’s the classic scenario of diet saboteurs. One person in the household wants to start eating healthy, exercising, and just generally living a healthier lifestyle. And at first, they’re really excited, because they know they’re going to have this great body, feel good waking up in the morning, have greater mobility (and so on and so forth).
When they start buying healthy food, they realize they’re alone in this. They need to chop their own vegetables while they watch their family eat Cheetos or whatever. And that’s a hurdle.
That, in and of itself, can be disconcerting and frustrating. In fact, many people stop there due to lack of emotional support. But let’s say this person keeps going and pushes past this level of discomfort while adjusting to the new norm. They’re doing pretty good so far.
Eventually though, their family may start to get fed up with this change. They may feel like their loved one has left them behind or is judging them for their lack of change. They start to say things like, “oh come on, it’s just one piece of cake—it won’t kill you” or “you’ll never lose weight, it’s in the genes, you might as well give up trying” or, “you think you’re better than us, don’t you?” And at this point, we can see that a rift has formed between them.
Self-care, nursing the abandonment wound
And this is where personal growth can really become a drag. You see, it’s hard getting to the point where you want to change and leave your old life behind. It takes some major brainpower and eureka moments. And even once you get to that point, it’s hard to maintain a change until it becomes who you are. We do it for ourselves not to be the special one, but to improve our quality of life. The discipline it takes can be exhausting at times.
But once it seems like your loved ones are against you, well, that’s a whole new kind of pain and frustration altogether. On one end, you know you need to change your life in order to be happy, healthy and fulfilled, but on the other, you worry that becoming that person that you always wanted or needed to be will leave you all alone.
And you know what, it just might. Not for the long term, but in the short term you very well may lose a great deal of your support system. Specifically the ones who don’t understand and are still in the old paradigm.
The feelings that come with this realization are difficult ones. There’s the loneliness of not having a support system and sometimes being mocked on top of it. There’s a feeling of frustration and confusion because it seems like the people who you thought cared about you really cared more about their image of you than you yourself. And sometimes there’s even a sort of guilt or shame to deal with. You know you did nothing wrong but you feel like if only you weren’t called to do or be something else, then maybe your life wouldn’t be falling apart right now.
And during this moment I would like to tell you something straight from my heart. I know it hurts, but you can get through this. You can make it out the other side, transformed, and with intimate social connections. You don’t have to settle for the misery of one or the other. You do, however, have to understand that your complete transformation will take longer this way. But it will be more complete.
In the meantime, my advice is simply this: if your goal or new beliefs bring you a healthier and happier perspective on life, cling to them. Work on cultivating them. Work towards your new goals vigorously and unapologetically. And in your down time, do some self-soothing. Understand that this change has the ability to save your life, and maybe even help others around you. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the extra TLC that you need in order to become new and deal with the ignorance (or in some cases even aggression) of others.
How to interact with “wrong” belief structures
Now, you’re going to be interacting with people who have different beliefs than you your entire life. Some of them will be people you know, and others will be strangers or new acquaintances. And how do we handle that? How do we manage a respect for people whose beliefs we disagree with and sometimes even do not respect?
Well, belief as a monolith does not need to garner respect. You do not need to respect everyone’s beliefs, but you do need to respect everybody. Because regardless of who they are, all individuals deserve a level of human decency. So remember that when you’re disagreeing with someone, even on something as fundamental as how they see the world or the people around them. Being disrespectful to them will never help anyone.
When you feel called into a disagreement, remember to attack the idea and not the person. Abstain from personal insults or criticisms that call the person’s character into question. Keep the focus solely on the idea that you are opposing, and know when to back off if it gets too heated. The truth is that in the long run, superior ideas win out, but pushing past the point of civility rarely gets you there.
You don’t have to agree
Some things don’t even need to be fought. You may disagree, but ask yourself what harm does their belief do? If objectively you can ascertain the answer as “none”, then consider that maybe there’s no need to bring your disagreement to light. Because not everyone needs to unite on every subject. In fact, it’s the diversity of perspectives that spur new discoveries and development in almost every field imaginable. We need our differences to make us better as a whole.
And consider too, that sometimes a good example is better than the perfect argument. Standing firm as a beacon for your ideals may help the opinions of others to sway in your favor much more than trying to convince them ever could. And over time, those who didn’t support you, may come to terms with this new you. Maybe they’ll even transform due to your inspiration.
Regardless, you don’t need to cut off all the people who don’t subscribe to the same lifestyle choices you do. You can stay close, and have meaningful discussions about your differences or avoid the subject altogether.
The love that transcends belief
You may find in your life that some of the people who are closest to you and you care most about don’t share your beliefs and perspectives. This is true for many people, including me. There is something about true connection that can transcend even the most staunch differences. We make connections and fall in love, if we’re lucky, based on who the other person is at heart–not what they think or believe. This kind of genuine care about someone is absolutely beautiful, and one of the things that makes life worth living. However, on a day to day basis, these differences in those that we care about may cause us strife.
If you’re struggling with this, know that you’re not alone. Try to consciously get back into contact with the core of the person that you so care about, just mentally. Know that what they do or believe is not equivalent to who they are. And remember that your bond is based on something entirely different than this subject of disagreement. Make sure to highlight your regard for them overall in your brain, instead of stewing on the differences that you have.
And strive to always be kind. Even when you’re hurting or frustrated, make kindness your priority. Because during a disagreement, it is the mutual kindness and respect of both parties that keeps the connection there even if you feel far away in the moment. It is this mutual regard that makes moving beyond your differences possible, both in the short term and long.
As you become more confident and settled into your new lifestyle and beliefs, coexisting with others who are different will become easier. And although it seems like a big task right now, keeping up with old connections that mean a lot to you will be rewarding in the long run. The ones who truly care about and support you will learn to adjust with you as you grow and change. And the ones who won’t are okay to cut loose. Just strive to be that true, supportive friend who bases your connection on mutual kindness, respect, and support. You will find that the connections that stay will reciprocate that.
